AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

The OP didn’t say that her son was her main concern.My daughters last labour was very traumatic ( I was there ) and I can honestly say that obviously the baby and daughter were my priority but I was absolutely concerned for my Son IL who was very distressed as well . He had lots of hugs and we have had long chats about the ordeal many times since. All ok now.

Yes she is, the DIL needs taking to task by the OP's son. He needs to grow some balls and tell her stop controlling everything, and deliberately excluding his mother, and slagging her off to all and sundry!

I notice the (few) people on here defending the DIL are conveniently NOT mentioning the fact that the OP's other child keeps being telling her (the OP) of all the nasty shit the OP's DIL and her mother keep saying. As well as excluding her hugely!

Anyone defending this DIL and her mother needs to give their head a wobble! They sound dreadful! The DIL won't even allow the OP to have any of the children at her house overnight, like she's some kind of threat or danger to them FFS! But mommie dearest - HER mother gets to see, and look after the children whenever she likes!

@confusedgranny You have my sympathy, truly you do. Ignore the haters on here, you have done nothing wrong. Your SIL's behaviour is awful, but it's up to your SON to deal with it.

With the best of intentions, I don’t find my PiLs very easy to get along with. They’re just completely different to me and I guess that we just rub each other the wrong way.

What has helped is that dh has a strong relationship with them, and takes the dc to visit so that I only go every 3-4 times, which is more manageable for me.

I use dh as a go between, or a buffer, and it has made for smoother relationships all round. Maybe you should focus your efforts on your ds, and keep a bit of a cheery distance from your dil? Send your best wishes through him, but stop interacting with her directly.

I know that sounds counterintuitive but we’re not meant to get along brilliantly with everyone and in law relationships are especially tricky. We get thrown together at an unearned intimacy level - we’re family yet if the marriage broke down, the inlaw would be dropped like a hot potato. I don’t mean cut all communication with her either, just pull back a bit.

What "nasty shit" has DIL said?

Where does the DIL's mother come into it? I can't see anything in the OP's posts about DIL and her own mother being nasty about her.

That's ridiculous honestly.

I also nearly died with my eldest and my husband went to his mums when he left the hospital where of course his own mother asked how he was. Wtf? My husband needed support too. He was in a state of shock.

I think your DIL sounds very difficult OP but unfortunately I don't see how you can change that. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. It's such a shame.

Why don’t you buy her a pregnancy pamper kit? What’s the worst that could happen from that.

Im going through a bereavement at the moment and my partners mum who has always said she would like us to be closer has behaved like a prat. Made really inappropriate comments and said no to the one thing I asked her to do.
If she had dropped over a lasagne or something it would have gone a long way as we are not really managing to eat other than take away. As it stands I feel I will need to keep my distance from her going forward as she has been so unkind at a time she could have been kind/ helpful.

So even if you have annoyed her by accident or she feels let down by whatever a small thoughtful gift wouldn’t hurt. I would like something edible but there may be something else that suits her that would be thoughtful.

It’s difficult to advise you OP without knowing your sons and DIL’s side of the story. I would say though that your son is his own person - if he wanted you to have a close relationship with his children or see you more then it’s up to him to facilitate that not DIL. If I was you I would perhaps do some honest reflection on what your relationship was like with your son before he got with DIL etc. when adult children have their own kids it exemplifies existing issues in their relationship between them and their parents and highlights it. I would be cautious of blaming your DIL and potentially scapegoating her for issues in the family dynamic between you and your son. I hope you get this sorted.

I can't work out why they won't tell you the date of the C Section? What do they think will happen, or is it just to make a point?

you aren’t top grandma. Mum’s mum usually is.

Absolutely this

Every time I read one of these threads I thank the stars that my DC were born before 24*7 contact and social media.

Who the hell asks for updates during labour, or even being told “X is in labour” unless it directly affects the day’s plans?

And yes, as the one who had the traumatic birth and was having to be awake all hours immediately after I’d expect more focus on my health and wellbeing. I’ve no doubt my MiL asked DH how he was doing and that is fine and normal because it was not in front of me.

I had a traumatic first birth and chose not to tell anyone the date of my planned c section with my 2nd child. I think that’s relatively normal.

But why would you expect her to have the same close relationship she has with her own mother that she has with you?

Did you not slightly favour your own mum when it came to granny duties over your own MiL? Not because she was horrible, just because of the strong maternal bond you have with your own mother?

Right. Why is that, genuine question? Was it that you didn't want to let people know until after the baby was born?

A few points:

1. I think it’s very normal to not be updated during the birth, when I was heavily pregnant I found the “any news” questions extremely annoying, like I’d have had the baby and just kept quiet 🙄. My own parents needed to know when I went into labour so they could feed our pets and I found that intrusive enough.
2. have you mentioned you’d like to stay with them “hi son, would it be possible to come and visit and stay over and I’ll get us all a takeaway as would be lovely to see you all?”, also have you offered to help with the practicalities like buying a sofa bed etc to make it logistically easier? On the same line have you offered your minding services, “I’m happy to mind DGC on x or y weekend if you and wife would like some couple time”. My own in laws haven’t offered the above but if they did they’d be welcome to.
3. I don’t think it’s weird that she doesn’t want your DS to take the baby without her, I would also not be away from my DC overnight yet. Is there a comfortable, practical sleeping space at your house? My in laws don’t have any baby stuff like cot/nappies etc and their bed is like sleeping on a trampoline which does put me off going.

There isn’t anything. Nor is there anything to suggest the DS cannot visit himself.

But since when did that stop people making shit up on MN threads?

Is she asking to be updated during the birth? Or just when the section is booked for?

Why does she need to know when the section is booked for? Booked sections are often pushed back and the “any news” messages are SO annoying. If her section is pushed back she will have her own disappointment to worry about without having to be concerned with people wanting updates. I’m sure people will be informed soon after the baby is born and I’m sure waiting a few more hours won’t hurt anyone.

Oh blimey. Ok. Just asking.

You don't have a DIL problem you have a son problem.

All these things- it's your sons job to build the relationship between yourself and your grandchildren.

If he isn't putting in the effort then you can't blame your DIL.

And forget about getting any sympathy from other on this thread.

MIL get a bad rep on these boards.

Anyway yes you should have more contact. But it's your son who needs to step up. And for whatever reason he isnt doing this- ( don't just blame your DIL).

She's just showing an interest but apparently that's a crime these days.

Just making sure I wasn't going mad - I re-read all of OP's posts twice looking for references to DIL's mother! Maybe the PP who mentioned it has their own MIL/DIL issues and was doing a spot of projecting...

Because I was terrified, frankly. I didn’t want people messaging me the night before wishing me good luck. I didn’t want to risk anyone asking for updates. It was just something I needed to go through with my DH until it was all over and I could relax and be happy. It was all blissfully uneventful, thankfully, so everyone found out within a couple of hours of me arriving at the hospital anyway.

Ok. Could you not have just turned your messages off? I'm not having a go, mine were born before there were even mobile phones, so I suppose it was all less intrusive!