AIBU for not inviting parents for Christmas Day?

[Starballoon]

We have my parents over every year. There has been the odd one for various reasons but I honestly think it’s no more than twice in over 10 years. It means over a 3 1/2 hour drive as they won’t stay over. They never help just sit there and I find it not only physically but emotionally exhausting as they can be hard work. My DH knows how difficult it is and is fine whatever I choose. It’s also the first time since both my kids don’t live at home (uni). I just want a peaceful easy Christmas Day just the 4 of us. Would it be unreasonable to ask them to come over another day over the holidays? (I don’t get much time off work).

I think you know YANBU. Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep other people warm.

YANBU. I would say they’re invited if they can make their own way there 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. I must remember that phrase 🤩

Do you go and get them? If so, definitely not unreasonable. If they choose to travel that much then I don't see how it's relevant and does feel like they make a lot of effort to come.

They can’t due to both not driving through disabilities. It just makes it a bloody long day and the last thing you want at the end of Christmas Day is to get in the car for an 90 mile drive.

YANBU. I don't expect people to help when I've invited them over, but I do expect them to engage and be part of the day. If they just sit there miserable I don't see the point.
Are you actually picking them up? If they were driving I wouldn't be bothered over their commute, that's up to them. If you have to drive 3 hours, YANBU at all.
Enjoy your Christmas!

They’re perfectly able to catch a bus/plane/train.

YANBU. Tell them you're having a rest this year on Christmas Day and won't be hosting. Let them come another day. Hopefully they won't be like my DM. My brother and his wife come up every year to be with her at Christmas. This year they decided they didn't want to travel 3hrs up (mum doesn't travel as she's 89 and has mobility issues) and would like to spend the holiday at home on their own. I said no worries, she can come to me, even though it would be difficult. Mum had the hump. Then DBro decided they would be coming up after all but mum, ever the stubborn so and so, decided no, she wouldn't be there and would still come to me. Even though I'll be a few weeks post knee replacement, in pain and not really in the mood to host.

Yes we have to get them. We can’t do Christmas at their house for reasons I won’t go into. They don’t drive and there would be no public transport to get them here that they could use (whether Christmas Day or any other day)

Then absolutely not. What a waste of a lovely family day!! I think it's very reasonable to say that you want to see your kids for all of Xmas as they aren't home now and (most likely) won't all be coming home for Xmas for much longer, and you don't want a lot of the day taken up with driving.

Sadly not due to their location and disabilities. I would have to drive to collect and take them home. Obviously have to do this twice in the day.

Oh no. I hope it’s not too painful. Both your knee and having your mother. 💐

“Hi mum & dad, I know we usually invite you over for Christmas Day but unfortunately it’s not going to work out this year. Me and DH are quite busy so the transport isn’t feasible and just want to make the most of the time we have with the kids whilst they’re home from uni! Hopefully we can meet up at some point before or after Xmas day! Love OP x”

Seven hours of driving is not enjoyable. And they're shit company, so no point in opting to have a miserable day.
Choose peace and do things you like.

It's not unreasonable but if you had them every year, I can imagine how you envisage having a conversation with them about it. I'd feel a bit odd talking to them even though I don't see anything wrong with how you feel. If you have any siblings, I don't know if it would be possible for you to ask them to invite the parents over as it would be easier to explain how you feel to them rather than the parents?

I have one sibling. They don’t live far away but don’t drive either. They have never invited my parents for Christmas so it falls on me.

Good grief no, they can go one day on their own. Sorry, but they sound extremely selfish making you drive all that way. I get they might not be able to drive themselves but they could stay over to save you having to drive hours and hours.

They could also cheer the fck up a bit and even if they cant contribute physically to help out they could at the very least make the effort to be a bit sociable/friendly with you. So selfish.

Surely you just go visit them on a separate day so no 2 x round trips.

In terms of talking to them I would just be honest. I guess if they take the humo and guilt trip me so be it. It won’t change my decision. I just wanted to know if I’m being unreasonable.

After a 3 and a half hour drive I would not expect them to "help".

Suggest doing another day, nothing wrong with that. You never know, they might want to spend the day relaxing rather than undertaking such a long drive.

SOD THAT!!!! If you have to just lie and say you and your husband are going away for a romantic Xmas alone.
I can't believe you have to drive that far in one day. At least if they stayed over you could have a drink.

They are social when they come but it’s the not offering to help at all which winds me up. I wouldn’t dream of being at someone’s house and not offering something whether stirring the gravy or laying the table etc. even if they decline I would offer.

OP collects them and drops them back.

Isn’t OP doing the driving?

They are being very unreasonable in their expectations.

It’s me that does the driving not them.