Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

You really need to move half the joint saving (before purchase of car, boat and bicycle) into your name. Ideally you would now control even more of your joint finances. Would he go for counselling now, do you think?

I can understand why he now feels he wont to make the most of his life and spoil the family while he can. He may feel some resentment that you will probably out live him. That doesnt excuse his behaviour though. Protect yourself.

I think you may have missed the underlying problems...the dishwasher is the very tip of a gigantic iceberg!

I think you may have had different answers if you'd said about your DH's operation a few years ago , which changed his personality for the worse and that you occasionally catch glimpses of how he used to be .

I feel for you and hope your group in Facebook is helping you with support .

Well, google cannot find the expression in the entire history of published books. And plain google doesn't find anything similar.

errorNo valid ngrams to plot!
errorNgrams not found: "nip screw"

First response in a Google search attached …

Sometimes parts are close to the cost of the appliance, which makes it not worth it to mend rather than replace.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn

Aye - all six grandchildren are ND. One DGD has a life changing illness. Another DGD carries this illness. Another DGD has a growth on sinus which we've been told is benign - gives her terrible headaches, it continues to grow. One DGS has espilesy and we get the impression that school can't be bothered with him and will inform us at his next EHCP review in November that they can't meet his needs (also global delay). One DGS has ARFID and is painfully small/thin. One DGS has many meltdowns per day.

I knit daily and I'm learning to crochet. My life is full of medical appointments and hospital visiting. DGD has had more than 15 weeks in hospital in the last 14 or so months.

And to cap off my wonderful day - all three of the DGC I picked up from school paddled through a huge pile of dog dirt plus dog diarrhoea. So three pairs of disgusting shoes. Oh plus worm casts as I told them to wipe their shoes on a grass verge and they ended up mud caked in addition to dog dirt up the fronts and sides of the shoes.

Both my daughters have offered to have me live with them but I would never do that to them. I wouldn't leave my home.

Whenever I ask H to talk about our situation rationally it's never convenient. There's a birthday this weekend so we'll turn up and smile as usual. Straight after he's going to our static caravan for a week of walking with his father - my respite. He refuses to go from Fri - Sun when I can go because the 'site is too busy at weekends' so he only goes late Sun -Fri, so I can't go because I'm taking DGC to school.

We rub along daily, I don't talk to him unless I have to. I go out regularly on evenings with my daughters and with friends - we get dressed up and have a good time. I have a social life now which doesn't include him. I'm not lonely for want of being with people, I'm missing our past social life, lovely meals out, days out at weekends, gardening together, hikes, skiing - it all seems a lifetime away.

If the boot was on the other foot and it was me who had a changed personality/brain damage - I don't know if he would have walked away.

He always said that we'd be the white haired old couple holding hands on the bench, looking out to sea.

It's such a shame - I believed him.

Tell him a divorce will cost him more than a dishwasher, and that Mr Boaty McBoatface should remember that the next time he considers sending something back or telling you what you shouldn’t dare to buy.

Havent heard the expression nip screw for a long time - its a great saying!

This might be the saddest thing I've read in a while, I really feel for you OP.

That conflict between your 'for better or worse' vows, knowing that the behaviour shift is likely medical. And on the other hand, not wanting to waste your own life on someone who just isn't nice to you.
There's no right answer here - I don't even know what I'd do - besides exactly what you're doing, carving out your own life and keeping away from him as much as possible.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche For your own financial peace of mind, take your share of the savings and put in another account that only you can access. Take into account the amounts he has taken for himself without discussion. That comes out of his share, not yours.
He can go off on one but this makes it fair. He may well die years before you. Why should he spend every penny of your joint savings & leave you scratting around with nothing during your last years?
Any other savings you want to put aside do so into your sole account.

Interesting difference in outcomes. Seems you need to drop the space...

This is where I'd consider a divorce: he is spending everything on things HE likes and wants and to impress his children, but at your expense. If he burns through the money you'll be utterly screwed as you age and have no money, whether he's alive to share in the misery or not. I'd divorce and take my half out of his control under the circumstances.

I’d order the new one. He tried to fix it and failed. So now it’s replacement time.

Bless you. Some of the things you say suggest he’s getting some pleasure or sense of purpose from sabotaging you. I’m wondering if there’s a way to make that work for you. If you were less amenable, made him less comfortable at home, would he storm off somewhere else? Or reverse psychology, be in his face interfering and affectionate, begging him to stay, maybe he’d decamp to the caravan to spite you? At least when he’s away with his Dad, you get a break from him.

I am trying to relearn crochet. I’m currently making a leaf garland that uses lots of doubles, half trebles, slip stitches and working in the back of the stitch. Hopefully by the time I’ve finished it, those skills at least will be secure and I can move onto some different leaves. My concentration is sadly lacking.

Life seems a bit of an endurance trial at times. So crochet and candles and small moments of joy are what we get.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

So it sounds as if you've carved out a life for yourself in spite of him. That's fine and I'm glad for you. But I did the same thing, determined to 'see it out', and it all fell apart anyway as my DH's behaviour deteriorated'and I had to leave for my own sake.

But even if his behaviour doesn't deteriorate further, that doesn't solve the problem of him squandering the funds that are supposed to see both of you through the rest of your lives. That's something you really need to consider carefully. He apparently doesn't give a shit that he would leave you 'penniless' when he pops his clogs be that in 10 months or 20 years. No, he sees it as his right to run through your joint funds to make himself happy and leave you high and dry. And more realistically speaking, what happens if he continues spending as he is now and is still here when those funds are exhausted? What then?

You really need to look to your own future. You may be very sorry if you don't.

sounds a very sad life to live op-and like other posters say he doesnt seem to care if he leaves you peniless as long as hes happy

theres obviously more to this but in the dishwasher front depending what’s wrong with it I’m with him on the dishwasher

we had similar with tumble dryer when that broke my wife wanted to get a new one as apparently it was knackered and old
anyway a new belt that cost under £6 8 years later it’s still going

Hmmm. The DH is very happy for their DD to keep £12k after selling a car they bought, to buy a grandchild a new bike when they don’t seem to have outgrown the old one and to buy himself a boat. Why does his penny pinching only kick in when it comes to something his wife wants?

We’re a bit light on details but I wouldn’t spend £300 on new if I could fix the old one for £30 I don’t think that’s unreasonable

nip screw

Can you please explain what on earth that means?

As to the dishwasher, I'd say to him that you are waiting for him to fix it and you're going on strike, you won't be doing any hand dishwashing (except for yourself) so he will have to wash all his own dishes and teaspoons until then.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I remember the thread you started after his surgery - you had such a lot on your plate and he had a complete personality change.

Nothings really changed for you...maybe it is time to leave him to it?

He bought a BOAT? Buried the lede there, op. Order the dishwasher, ignore him if he moans, and don't beg permission for normal purchases ever again.

OP, it sounds like you are doing well emotionally separating from him and making a life for yourself alone. You just need to expand that to a financial separation also, even if living in the same house. You cannot let him give away or waste your half of your life savings because you are afraid of his temper. He is a bully and you need to take a stand for your own money.

Why dont you work some extra hours and buy it out your own money…