Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

I think it is a contraction of two related terms of Georgian origin - a 'Screw' meaning miser, and 'Nipcheese' meaning the same. To describe someone as a the latter meant they would pare the cheese right down to the rind to save money - squeeze the last drop out of something to get their money's worth. (Based on teenage reading of Georgette Heyer novels - she's very good on 18th century vernacular!)

@Marmalade71

That thought has crossed my mind.

I was beyond distraught when he was diagnosed - he thought he had backache.

Op Id seriously try and persue a medical side with dh.

Accessing to Google there is an increased risk of developing early dementia (under 65).

He is pushing all your buttons and making life miserable. I would push him towards GP or even have a chat with your own GP about your worries.

@NotYoCheese
That sounds right!

Nothing to do with spanners

OP, I do wonder if he has got frontal lobe damage and it sounds like he might. I’m not sure I could stay with a partner with a brain injury like this. You are well within your life to reconsider your life plan. Would he be willing to go to the GP and ask for a referral to neurology as a start?

As an aside, I think you need a current account and you need to move some savings into it. Who knows what lies ahead but I think you need to have some readily accessible money yourself.

He has been spending our savings like water since his brain damage. He thinks it's hilarious and jokes about it.

We saved for our retirement - H doesn't think (he's absolutely convinced he could die any minute) he has long left to live so he's enjoying spending while he can.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

You really, really need to protect your financial future because he obviously doesn't give a shit about it. If I were you I'd move at least half of it into an account in your own name, one that he cannot access and preferably in a different bank or investment firm. You are risking being left in dire financial straits if he should predecease you.

It is your money too. Protect your share. Separating our finances was one of the first things I was advised to do when things really started going off the rails. Having funds that he could not touch was a lifesaver when I had to leave. I'm normally all about joint finances and that's what DH and I gladly had, until this happened. Now it's all about protecting myself and securing my financial future.

And if you don't have access, if he's put all the savings into his name only and refuses to give you access, you need to consult a solicitor. I saw one early on to find out what my legal position was as far as him running up debt or getting into any kind of legal trouble but other aspects of joint finances were pointed out to me. I took their advice and am glad I did!

I realize I'm coming from now living the 'worst case scenario', but remember 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. It was scary for me, I felt like I was 'stealing' when I moved half our finances into my own name, but thank God I did!

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

Richard Hammond of Top Gear, remember his terrible accident. Well his wife finally filled for divorce. He came home a different man. His daughter wrote about it recently. The personality changes broke the family up. Terribly sad.

OP I would suggest you have a chat with Headway, the brain injury charity.

Even if you are already decided on leaving i think it would help you with figuring out the way ahead.

Yes I’d be really worried about what happens when he has spent all the savings. Because poverty isn’t going to improve anything. For that reason above all you should be looking to unhitch yourself from him.

What the cheeky bastard sent stuff back you ordered yet went and bought a boat without telling you.
You stand firm, no washing up at all.
Im pissed on your behalf.

If my husband said don’t you dare about anything I’d buy two or do it twice

My DH (62) is frugal.
He's just agreed on a tumble dryer. It's taken him four years. We do have dry soon racks and he does the washing.

Ignore your DH OP and order it. If he tries to send it back you will of course had the old one recycled😄

Men.

Long time lurker here, OP, and I remember your thread from 3 years ago (and the beautiful baby clothes you had knitted). Out of nowhere yesterday I suddenly wondered how you and your family were doing as I don't think I've seen anything from you since, but I couldn't remember your username. I don't want to derail the thread, but hope your family's health issues are more manageable now. Although, clearly, your husband's aren't!
So sorry to hear that his behaviour hasn't changed. Have you seriously thought about leaving? I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and it really does suck the spirit out of you till you don't recognise yourself any more. He was like this before the surgery and as a PP said, you might have another 25 years of it ahead. Sending unmumsnetty hugs, whatever you decide to do.

I dont see whats wrong with wanting to repair a dishwasher per se. Buying a new one just because you dont want to handwash for a week lets day, thats daft.

Him cooking while using every item in the kitchen and not washing up, thats an issue.

The not washing up would drive me insane however after having a really old dishwasher breakdown several times, then waiting for parts and for it to be fixed, yeah I can see why you'd want a new one. Bit rude for him to return things you've bought mind.

"He has been spending our savings like water since his brain damage. He thinks it's hilarious and jokes about it."

You need to protect yourself financially, and you need to do it ASAP.

Personally I would be looking to divorce him - with the brain damage he is literally not the man you fell in love with, not the man you married, not the man you shared your life with pre-surgery. He is NOT that man any more, and he never will be again.

I would be looking at how much you had jointly saved before he started his spending spree, and I would move 'my' half into my sole savings account. I would then not touch it, just keep it there until the divorce is finalised - it may be you have to give some of it back in settlement, but at least it will be there to divide. If you leave that money in your joint account - well, he's just going to burn through it all and leave you with nothing. That may even be his plan, since this post-surgery man is constantly demonstrating his dislike of you.

Moving the money WILL draw his ire, so be prepared. Maybe make plans to move. I know you said "I'm not moving out - I love my home", but what are the chances of him leaving? I'd say none - he'd stay to spite you. Can you really face continuing to live with no-longer-the-man-you-married? Bear the constant disrespect? Wonder what article he'll throw next?

Have you spoken to your children about what their father is like TO YOU? Have they seen it, or just the generous dad to them? You need to keep them in the loop, let them know how bad it has become. Don't sweep it under the carpet. When the shit hits the fan, don't let it be out of the blue to them.

Bust most importantly, PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY. As soon as possible.

Hi @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche , me again.

The situation sounds worse with every post. I'm so sorry you are facing this. @AnnaMagnani made another great suggestion with Headway.

I don't know if the bit of data below will be useful to you or your husband (if he's able to grasp it's significance), but there is a high likelihood that he survives many years yet. While survival rates when you present at hospital with this condition are not great, that changes considerably in the post-operative period (allowing for certain co-morbid conditions). This means that your husband could run out of money well before he runs out of years if he has become an impulsive spender (due to fear of death and/effects of brain damage).

"A recent report by Chiappini et al reported on post-discharge survival rates of 94.8±1.2 at 5 years and 88.1±2.6 at 10 years in 487 patients enrolled at 2 centers over 27 years. By extrapolation their excellent findings corroborate results in IRAD reported here."

https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/circulationaha.105.000497

Links to the whole article with a lot more data on post-operative outcomes for your husband's condition.

I think you would both benefit from him understanding his long-term prognosis, rather than simply being held hostage by his fear/brain damage driven behaviours. Could you both speak to his consultant together, having written to him/her beforehand to outline the situation? They must see this a lot, and your husband may take the consultant's advice to heart this time and agree to therapy. He potentially still has decades to live, and it sounds like he does not grasp this.

Tell him the new one will be much more efficient and will save tons of money in running costs in the long term. It's probably true too, economy cycles, more efficient motors, cooler cycles and just better design.

Everything my DH wants to keep and fix nowadays I say put it in the garage and you can fix it, I'll get a new one to use and when that one breaks down I'll use the old one. He tends to lose interest once we get the new one.

The other trick is to say I'll have a new dishwasher for (an early) Christmas present, my DH is terrible at thinking of presents so jumps at these sort of suggestions!

I think mine just remembers when we were really broke and finds it really hard to buy household things if they could possibly be fixed. And likes to prove how good he is at fixing things, which he is, but you have to know when to give up.

🤭🤭🤭

I remember you! I’m so sorry this is still going on. Is the issue that you can’t make him leave and you don’t want to leave your home? Because honestly, you shouldn’t have to stay with this abusive shell of the man you knew. You’d be more secure splitting the money and leaving him to it.

Is there a way you can get a financial adviser involved to set things up for you, or just move the money around so he can’t spend it so easily?

Or get him to leave you, and then split the assets?

It’s so sad that you are trapped.

How are your DGCs now, I’m sure there was terrible worry about one of them as well. And I’m convinced knitting was involved…

You definitely need to ring fence finances asap. Clearly this will be a provocation so don't necessarily just do it. I would think first step would be to do your best to make copies of everything relevant to all the assets in the marriage - including pensions, property etc and with that in hand, discreetly seek legal advice.

It may be that divorce is the best way to protect yourself.

In parallel I would wonder whether he is acting in his own best interests - only because if you separate your finances (by separating from him.or otherwise) might there be a risk he will beggar himself (even though you are 'safe') and become a problem for you and/or your dcs anyway . I was going to say if he can be persuaded see his doctor again might it be possible to see if there is a way there is some support available so he can be 'protected from himself '. But then from what you have said he would react extremely badly to such a suggestion . I guess that's one to park for now.

I dont see whats wrong with wanting to repair a dishwasher per se. Buying a new one just because you dont want to handwash for a week lets day, thats daft.

The thing is 15 years old and likely had a fried motherboard, which will cost almost as much as a new dishwasher. Plus a new one will likely have a much better energy efficiency rating and be cheaper to run.

I'd be embarrassed if I had to arrange for a new dishwasher to be collected.

Why would you?

Why are you even asking him, you TELL him this is whats happening. Its not up for debate. If you have money for cars and boats then he can replace the daily use household appliance to clean his dishes as he clearly thinks it beneath him. Its hardly wildly expensive if you have as much savings as your hinting at, our dishwasher bought like 2 months ago cost £130.

Wow... family of 4 here, never had a dishwasher... talk about 1st world problems!