Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

I was going to say the same thing! It’s categorically not your dishwasher, it’s a kitchen appliance.

I am sorry @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche it sounds like you are in a horrible situation. The man you married all those years ago has gone. The man you are married to now is a different person.

From what you have talked about with others is recovery possible? If that seems unlikely then I wonder if the only reasonable next step is divorce.

Odd because the term “nipcheese” means miser, but nip screw means nothing - it’s nonsense. @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche , you said your mum used the term so maybe she mixed up nipcheese and a loose screw?

It sounds as if he spent a long time with a very low blood pressure as a result of his dissection. That would be enough to sustain brain damage due to not enough blood getting to the brain.

His personality change sounds a lot like this: impulsive purchases, loss of empathy, not being able to assess risk.

Ideally he would see a neuropsychologist but he would need to recognise he has a problem. And it is also fine for OP to feel she is done with this relationship.

I googled and I got mostly nipple weather bar screw results (not remotely as sexual as they sound!).

Honestly OP I’m so sorry, I’m sure there are times when you wish he hadn’t survived 😢

But the one thing that experience should have taught you is that life is short and we will all be dust soon.

Time to stop him ruining what time you have left.

Another one saying you need to reframe your language OP - we have a dishwasher in our house I have never referred to it as mine. It’s an appliance - it’s everyones.

I’m glad a replacement is coming and I’m sorry to hear how ill your DH has been. That is a terrifying thing to happen to anyone. Now’s the time to start referring to all appliances as “the” dishwasher, “the” washing machine etc.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche Do you think your life would improve if your husband had some therapy that is specific to his post-op situation? Can he be persuaded to do so? The current situation does not seem compatible with you holding onto your sanity and good mental health.

Is it that he is unable to now keep how to behave fairly/cooperatively in his mind? Has his executive function been affected as well as his personality? There are strategies for supporting poor executive function, like having visual reminders up where he can see them. Do you know what is involved in the therapy he was offered but did not take up? Were there any adaptive strategies taught? I guess you might know this already from your fb support group, or you could write to his consultant asking for general information and support (explaining your current difficulties).

Most sensible post so far.

putting stuff in landfill when there’s nothing wrong with it is wanton waste

There is something wrong with it, though. It's broken. They've tried to mend it once and it's broken again. It needs replacing this time.

Previous generations will be turning in their graves

Nah, both my grandmothers grew up in slums in the 1910s and lived through the war, and would absolutely both be saying 'He should buy her the bleedin' dishwasher, the tight bugger'. They loved new stuff, precisely because they grew up with nothing and spent decades having to make do and mend.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche when he threw the remote or phone was it aimed at you? Has he thrown anything at walls or doors? Have the grandchildren been present when he’s ’gone berserk’ about something? Do you think he could be dangerous to young children in your care when he loses his temper?

Do you realise this is domestic abuse? I know he’s been seriously unwell but he’s an abuser.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I once used my friend's phone to call him - a 'plumber' (although he was a gas engineer) to come and mend my shower. He said he'd drop in after 6pm on his way home from work until I gave him our address when he promptly told me to F Off

That's simultaneously very funny and not funny at all.

@AnnaMagnani right Op, he needs to see his Drs and see if they can help. If this is him for the rest of his life then I don't see how you'll be happy again. Please see if there is medical help for him, I don't think the new him likes you anymore _ is he envious of your better health?

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche This sounds like very good advice! It is worded much more succinctly and with more subject understanding than my comment above (PP might be a medical professional).

Please consider this advice so that you can be confident that you have done everything you can should you later feel that you need to make a radical (separation/divorce) change. Would your DDs maybe be better placed to raise this with your husband in light of his behaviour towards you? I guess that you might not want to involve DDs, but if you end up leaving their dad, it might be better for your relationship if they can see that you have tried everything else first. Good luck!

Jamesblonde2

Waste not want not.

Have you heard yourself - you hate washing up, 2 days of washing up. Bloody hell it’s only a bit of washing up.

I’m nowhere near tight, but putting stuff in landfill when there’s nothing wrong with it is wanton waste.

Previous generations will be turning in their graves.

Mid-November and now it's going to take something special to beat this gem to Most Self-Righteous MN Post of the Year Award.

It's in the bag, really.

A decent dishwasher costs about 500 quid and lasts around five years. So £2 a week or 40p a day.

Doesn't sound like a big expense for the convenience.

It my well be that your hubby prefers to wash the dishes himself. Let him know that perhaps this is the best option all around. Besides, he will be 40 pence up a day. If it's okay for you to wash the dishes by default then surely it's okay to revisit that arrangement and adjust.

"I once used my friend's phone to call him - a 'plumber' (although he was a gas engineer) to come and mend my shower. He said he'd drop in after 6pm on his way home from work until I gave him our address when he promptly told me to F Off."

Didn't he recognise your voice?

A fifteen year old dishwasher is worth fixing. Buying new because an old item wants fixing is one of the drivers of pollution in our consumer economy. Your DH is on the planet's side. Let him do the washing-up, though.😉

I remember your old threads, all when your daughter was expecting twins, right.

i would tell your H to go to a GP, get some therapy or realise he will be alone FFS

Do you want to live with him anymore? You don't have to. You've been looking after him for years probably and enough is enough now ... you have a right to a peaceful life

Don't know if anyone else has said this. Order the new dishwasher and pay for the old one to be taken away at the same time. You could also pay for them to install, that should stop him sending it back. Why do you send things back, he should do it himself if thats what he wants.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

Get your dishwasher and get it installed by all means!

But then, think about your life and if this is the way you want to spend the rest of it.

Without giving you my complete sob story, my DH underwent a radical personality change about 6 months ago after a health crisis. He flipped 180 degrees from being my loving, supportive, and caring husband of 38 years into a verbally abusive, controlling, and frightening stranger. I ended up leaving when it became unendurable. Actually, I had to be escorted out by the police because he refused to let me leave. I am a long way from healed, I probably never will be completely healed, and my life is 'complicated' because we are so entwined. But I am living in a calm home now and can make decisions and speak my own mind without having to 'hear about it'. Do I think he will ever become who he was? No. But I will love him until the day I die anyway, I just can't live with him.

You have two choices, you either stay where you are and put up with his meanness, emotional abuse*, and his temper until one of you dies, or you quietly make plans and leave. My DC saw the change in DH and supported me completely in leaving. Chances are yours will too if you have been honest about how he's treated you and how it is affecting you.

*telling someone to fuck off, criticizing their decisions, returning easily afforded items they've purchased, indulging themselves whilst denying their partner the same, and treating them differently than they treat others IS emotional abuse.

1 Order a dishwasher asap. Get it fitted so he can’t send it back.
2 no one has heard of Nip Screw so please enlighten us all to its full meaning!

@AutumnAllTheWay

I have two nice cars which I bought myself - H doesn't. He has an old Audi and a couple of old vans. (Two fairly new motorcycles bought since his surgery) His boat was quite expensive but it's just a plastic rowing boat with an outboard motor. It is not a yacht. It's for his fishing trips - he bought all new equipment for fishing and hasn't used it. Same with golf. Same with canoeing. He came home with chickens early summer and then spent a small fortune housing them. Guess who looks after them? He has been spending our savings like water since his brain damage. He thinks it's hilarious and jokes about it.

We are normal people and not comfortably off. We have significant savings because we saved, invested and scrimped. I was a primary teacher and H a gas engineer. We had a small windfall within the last five years.

We've lived a modest life, more than 30 years in a 1924 semi detached which we stretched ourselves to buy. I'm not moving out - I love my home.

We saved for our retirement - H doesn't think (he's absolutely convinced he could die any minute) he has long left to live so he's enjoying spending while he can. He's not thinking rationally - he knows this because I keep telling him. He's probably frightened of dying ultimately. The surgery frightened him. The longer he lives - the more he thinks he'll die imminently. It's complicated. His health turned us upside down.

I can sort of understand and then run out of sympathy because he's him.

He could just be frightened.

I don't even know why I justify his behaviour.

@CustardySergeant

No - I was doing my Mrs Overall impression.