I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Thank your daughters for arranging some care with the step-granny and take it from there.

You sound ever so caring and helpful but they are taking advantage somewhat.

So, sorry your daughter's are doing this to you. It is totally unfair and may well lead to burnout for you.

I'd just decide what you can manage and tell them. No need to say why you cannot do all the time. They are taking advantage and it is not fair.

Stop asking and start telling.

From January you'll do free childcare Tues-Thurs in term time but no more in school holiday.

They can like it or lump it!

I had 5 grandchildren 1 year apart from each other except for 1 ( all older now) but often had all of them together for few days / nights at a time.

I now have 2 Great G/ children age 2 and 6 that i have also have for a few days / over night now and then but i only do it if and when i can or want to.

If the parents had the same attitude as yours i would not have any of them.

So after their horrible and entitled response to you i wouldnt do it at all or at least for a while or untill they realise how lucky they have been and what they have lost.

However if you want to still help i would say firmly and put it in a text a few days later to remind them that you will only be able to do 2 x weekly from a set date IE: in 2 or 4 weeks time on said date I will not be availible on these days any more.

And make sure your not in or dont answer the door from that start date you set just in case they turn up anyway.

Maybe go and see your son for a few days so they have to sort their own arrangements out.

They will soon learn and on the day will be left in the Sxxx. And do not pay for anything anymore more.

Your daughters are horrible people and using you. Of course they will gang up, they need you. Tell them to stand on their own two, useless, ill prepared feet and not assume anyone but they have responsibility to care for their kids. It sounds like you do loads for them anyway.

Goodness I am not surprised you are feeling trapped. We have only ever done one day a week childcare for our grandchildren and our DD would not dream of expecting us to do any more than that particularly if we did not want to.

Call their bluff and if they threaten to cut off contact I would be stopping contributing to the school fees too. I think you will find that your exes new wife won't want to do that much childcare though so they are just manipulating little madams. You do not need an excuse to not want to spend your whole retirement doing childcare.

I haven’t read the full thread but can you tell your daughters what you are going to do rather than ask? Don’t be bullied by them. 💐

Have they always been selfish bitches? You don't want to be childcare everyday so you need to say so. Tell them they've got 2 weeks to make other arrangements, you're sick of being taken for granted.

Where are the children's fathers and thier families, can they help?

Call their bluff. Tell them you are very disappointed to have raised a pair of entitled bullies. You want to reduce your commitment to 3 days a week, 50% max of holidays and they can argue between them how that is achieved. If they accuse you of not loving their children enough and threaten to limit access, tell them you'll withdraw financial support as well until they act grateful for all you are doing. It's none of their business how you choose to spend your time when you're not providing their childcare. Don't let them try to play you off against their father's new wife.

Give them notice now that you want to cut to three days a week.
Yes, they might get dad's wife to do one or both of the days you're not doing, but I suspect that it's highly unlikely she would offer to have them every day, so you'll still get your three days.
Also give notice that you are not going to do all of every school holiday - perhaps suggest that you are willing to rearrange the usual 3 days a week so that they can do a whole week of holiday club and then a whole week with you (which is likely to be cheaper).

Wow you sound like an absolutely great grandma! It is a shame that your daughters are taking you for granted like this. When my Mum was still with us (she passed away last year). Mum watched our daughter fr 2 x days a week only, whilst we worked from home (so still around, just not fully available because of work) and the occasional evening babysitting if we were going out etc and that was for one child, not five of them! Wouldn't dream of asking for more than 2 days support - tops. And if I had had siblings then would defo be trying to balance that so maybe it was not the same day or even if it were, making sure my Mum would have at least half the week to enjoy her retirement and do her own thing. Your daughters really sound like spoilt brats in this scenario, as everyone has said. I wonder how long they have been taking you for granted and emotionally blackmailing you?? I would hazard a guess that this has happened in other scenarios as well...

What I would do is:
#1. Speak to them 1-2-1 - each separately, not together but give the same message to each.
#2. Start by stating how much you love uour grandkids & reminding them of all the care you give them etc and the fact that togethrr combined it is 5 children...!

#3. State the impact all this care is having on you. Ask if in your shoes if they would want to do this, to the point of not getting any free time for yourself... & also I would mention the impact and unkindness of their threats etc

#4. State the level of care you are willing to do. I would drop down to 4 days in Jan then 3 days from Feb half term. If that was really onerous for them shift along by one half term but that is it - tops. That's enough time for them to sort themselves out. I would also do no days at all over the Feb Half Term and Easter you want some time to relax completely for yourself...! And then maybe 2 days per week of holiday after that going forwards and maybe in the summer just take 3 solid weeks off in case u want to go away etc - basically whatever arrangement works for you after you have given them a reasoable amount of time to find alternatives

1. Call their bluff. If step-mum in law will do a great job and will see them multiple times a week let ur daughters go for it! Say - well if that's really want you want maybe we can do a weekly split and split the week and the holidays evenly between both?? They'll soon realise how lucky they are! Calling their bluff would shift the power dynamic a little...

1. In other news sounds like you may be quite wealthy... I would think very carefully about my estate planning in relation to these 2 daughters. I don't think on account of what you have said, they should be cut off or anything. But given the animosity with your son I would make it *very clear who is getting what or in what shares. And would divide any proportion going to grandchildren equally amongst all grandkids too... Also sort out things like your Power of Attorney. I'm sure your daughters can be great at times - but there is a bit of a mean, sinister-streak running through all of this. And a lot of entitlement and ingratitude. I wouldn't rely on them to be the best caregivers or advocates as you age either... just saying. Have all of these affairs set in order - at the very least to avoid squabbling...

Sorry that you are going through this. Faithfully in time all of your relationships improve and they can learn to value and love you as you truly deserve!! In the meantime enjoy your grandkids - within reason! Don't let the burden of looking after them all, all the time make you start resenting / disliking them... though that would be a natural occurence if the current situation does not improve. Take care!

I think it very unlikely that their father’s new wife will be prepared to do the amount of childcare you currently undertake, despite what your daughters say / think. It’s not unreasonable at all that you set boundaries about how much time you are prepared to offer for childcare, and no it’s not your responsibility to offer to pay for wraparound care to fill the gaps - that is the responsibility of the parents i.e. your daughters. Sadly your daughters have become entitled and have taken advantage of your generosity. Things change in life and it is totally reasonable that you want to do other things, including seeing your other grandchildren and time your daughters took responsibility for their childcare arrangements. You aren’t planning to withdraw completely, but in your situation I might be tempted to if their attitude doesn’t change.

Yes the dad may want to pander to his spoilt daughters and take the kids (by that I mean hand over to his wife to look after). This could cause untold stress on their marriage.
No way will stepmum be interested in being used to this extent.

Don't ask them, tell them. Give them plenty of notice - maybe after Easter - so they have plenty of time to get something else sorted. You cannot be any fairer than that.

OP, I really feel for you. You shouldn't have to put up with this. Your daughters are treating you appallingly.

I am so angry on your behalf! Your daughters are taking the piss. They do not know how lucky they are to have this support from you!
If my parents did a third of what you do for childcare, I’d have considered myself very lucky.

I would call their bluff and let step nan have them for a few days. Hope you get to see your son soon.
Sorry you are going through this x

“Delphiniumandlupins · Today 23:27

Call their bluff. Tell them you are very disappointed to have raised a pair of entitled bullies. You want to reduce your commitment to 3 days a week, 50% max of holidays and they can argue between them how that is achieved. If they accuse you of not loving their children enough and threaten to limit access, tell them you'll withdraw financial support as well until they act grateful for all you are doing. It's none of their business how you choose to spend your time when you're not providing their childcare. Don't let them try to play you off against their father's new wife.”

This with bells on. When my DDs were little, they had 5 very engaged grandparents (sadly, 2 have now died). There were regular visits and days out and sleepovers but for day to day we had paid childcare. DDs are young adults now and have a lovely relationship with the surviving grandparents. You’re retired. This is your time. You’ve done your stint of childcare. It’s perfectly okay to say no and tell your daughters what you can do. Tell them. Don’t ask. Honestly, OP - you sound lovely but it sounds like you let your own children push you around. It’s not good for you and it’s actually not good for them either.

@NannyNinn you need to set boundaries with your daughters. Their behaviour is manipulative and almost vindictive. They’re weaponising your grandchildren and making you feel like you will lose access to them in order to get what they want through fear. On top of this you’re already paying towards some of their childcare already and have offered to pay for more. Your daughters don’t know how lucky they have it and their entitlement and lack of gratitude is quite vile.

Decide what you want to do and sit them both down and tell them again. If they say they will ask their stepmum to do it instead - that’s their decision. Be clear on what you can do and you would still love to and are able to see dgcs on x days. If they refuse that then they obviously never cared about how much the gc want to spend time with you and it was all about keeping you in your place.

You should also be able to see your other dgc whenever you like. your daughters are adults and whether they have fallen out with their brother or not they should be able to accept that you want to see your other dgc. Sorry you’re experiencing this and hope it gets sorted soon

I'm your son in this situation - an adult child who moved away (similar travel as London to Jersey) whose parents never visit because they get guilt tripped by my sister (who dislikes me for no real reason) into doing childcare. They haven't visited me since 2021, and while I understand their predicament, I have lost some respect for them for being so spineless.

Bet their father's wife doesn't even want to look after these kids - let alone know she's being used as a threat.

Sounds like you're not even getting the 5.6 weeks of annual leave you'd get in a full-time paid job! I think it's time to book some regular holidays, say a long weekend every month and a week or two every 2-3 months. Reduce the days a week. You deserve to use your retirement as you see fit.

Bloody hell OP. My Mum picks up my children once every two weeks and I’m grateful. I pay for holiday clubs, I wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting it, no matter how much it would help me financially. This is a time in your life when you could be slowing down and enjoying your retirement. Even if you did half of what you do now, they’d still be incredibly lucky! They have no idea how good they have it. I’m offended on your behalf that they would be so disrespectful when you’re extending yourself so much for their benefit.

Also, it doesn’t matter if you agreed and now you’ve changed your mind. You’re not tied into a contract, whatever your decision, they have to accept it and make alternative arrangements. I’ve no doubt you love them with every bit of you but they’ve got to learn how to manage without your constant support.

Your daughters are awful and abusing you.
That they would threaten no contact if you don't remain their paying skivvy is coercive control.

Absolutely shameful.
This is not going to ever end well, so take control now.
They really are shameless.

I would think it better to call their bluff than remain bullied by them.

They want to run you ragged, giving your remaining best years to childminding.

Screw that.

I asked my daughters again today to consider

Here's your mistake. You asked them. You didn't tell them.

See the power dynamics here. You are not in control of your own life. You feel like you have to ask permission from your own daughter's about what you want to do.

That's not right.

You decide what you want to do, then you tell them and you make it clear it's not up for discussion and you don't have to explain or otherwise justify your reasons for this decision.

They have to fit in with your life, not the other way round.

It’s slightly verging on elder abuse

Wow, based on your OP it seems clear that you are a remarkably selfless, generous, caring person who goes well out of her way to help others, whereas BOTH your daughters are clearly rude, selfish bullies who are happy to threaten you to get what they want.

Have you ever wondered how they have turned out so badly when you have been such an amazing role model? Did you behave very very differently while raising them for example?

Totally agree.

What would they do if they didn't have their mum? They should do that.