Husband hangs up call when I ask him to do his basic chores. Am I asking too much?!

[Biosblbay]

been with my husband 10 years, married 1, had a house and two children aged 3 and a baby 4 months old. I am on maternity leave but of course I do absolutely everything from when the kids wake up to when they go to bed, this includes most night duties with the baby, feeding the kids, washing bottle constantly, and also food shopping, appointments, arranging dates out, arranging seeing family, remembering to flea dogs, feed dogs, never ending laundry, all house work which is pretty much daily like dishwasher 2 times a day, hoovering, mopping etc and occasionally do breakfasts and lunches for my husband if I get the time. On top of this I am I committee member for my sons nursery to arrange fundraising so at the moment I am doing this for Christmas. This doesn’t include me trying to do things for myself, bath, do my hair which takes me forever, go gym, squeeze a day a month to see a friend but my husbands duties are work, get home, maybe work some more, pick up dog poos in garden, change gas bottles once’s every 2/3 months, bins, pay bills and anything DIY. Please bear in mind I also will be going back to work full time (38 hours per week) but currently on maternity leave, but I do contribute to bills and food shopping so I’m not exactly a stay at home mum.

My husband is on his way home and I feel like I need other people to tell him that it is not acceptable to hang up on me when I remind him to pick up the dog poos that haven’t been done in about 5 days. My mum lives in the annexe at the back on our garden and comes over most days to help me while I pick my son up from pre school so I don’t have to take the baby and she told me today that the poos are really bad and she had to dodge them.

my husbands excuse is that it’s too dark to do it when he gets home or too tired which I think is a very poor excuse, so a few weeks back I actually bought him a nice warm hat with a very bright light so he can’t blame the dark anymore.

durning the phone call I had to explain to him why he needs to do it today for him to say he will do it in the morning… my husband tends to do this very often when he says “I’ll do it tomorrow” and 9/10 doesn’t get done to be left another day. Because of this I have to go on and on quite a bit to which it ends up me moaning and over explaining to which ends up in a row then he either gets nasty, shouts, or as it is on the phone, hang up.

I think he is very unreasonable and very nasty at times not realising that me asking for the bear minimum isn’t a bad thing, I just want him to be able to do dog poos and bins every day without me having to ask but when I do it always ends up in an argument.

Can anyone please explain to my husband that I am not being unreasonable here! It is driving me crazy!! Yes he works, yes he is stressed but he forgets when I go back to work in a few months I have to work and do everything else!!

When he asks about pants and socks, you say, “can we sit down and have a conversation about that?”

Sit down and say, “DH I took over the dog poo. You were going to do some laundry. Can you imagine how frustrating it is for me to hear that you have no pants and socks?”. And then wait. Wait for him to respond. Wait for his answer. Because it will be enlightening.

He thinks you are less important that him and that it is your job to sort everything out.

He doesn't want a partnership he wants a domestic slave.

Tell him you are prepared to leave unless you do a genuine and real 50% chore split (don't settle for a slight improvement). Then divorce him when he can't pull himself together.

@Tryingatleast this is what we done going by previous posters, but look at my most recent message about 5 down… not only am I not doing poos, I am still doing the laundry that he was supposed to take over and do instead of the poo. I never moan about chores, I don’t mind the dog poo, but when I have 2 children (baby who I change 2-3 times a day and a 3 year old in school who comes back messy every day) I have to prioritise laundry. He hadn’t been doing the laundry and it got to a Sunday, full basket and my son had no clothes! Since then I have been doing both poo and laundry!

@MrsTerryPratchett I like this idea. Someone else also mentioned it earlier. I will now refuse to do his laundry going forward and any dirty clothes I find on the floor or not put away properly goes in his car or on his side of the bed

@WelshRabBite I do everything at home, plus in April I go back to work full time. I work also. He is the main income but my salary is important, especially if he hasn’t had commission one month. When he goes away with work for a few nights I actually find myself less irritated and more relaxed. I have no one to ask constantly to do this and that, I just get up and do it so it’s nice not having to constantly ask!

Stop doing anything for him, as per PP's suggestions. Also if you haven't already, stop having sex with him! I can't imagine you are because how could be find him attractive, but if on the off-change you are, stop rewarding this terrible man-child. Tell him that you find it hard to find him attractive when he behaves worse than a child.

Exactly; you work as well and your life is easier without him.

You are doing EVERYTHING that he’s doing, plus the bulk of everything else, which is why I said to put “provide income” as the first item on the top of BOTH of your “what I do” lists, as they essentially cancel each other out.

Then he has to explain why he wouldn’t want your list instead of his, when his only defence is that he provides an income, which you do as well 🤷‍♀️

You've tried telling him about the disparity of input, now show him it.

Dog poo are best cleared up in daylight. To be honest, I wouldn’t be happy, on my way home, getting messages about what chores I need to do.

Would you be happy to be stuck with literally all the housework?

@Boomer55 please read my recent messages!! Scroll down a little

@WelshRabBite thank you. Very good idea to actually write it all down. I can honestly say his only jobs are “provide income and pay bills” and “get things down from the loft” I do everything from the kids, to the dogs to family. I even have to arrange our date nights because he is so incapable of that. I also have to by my own flowers these days. He never shows me appreciation either which is another thing that really gets me down! Or for him to even rub me a bath, light a candle and tell me to relax for the evening!

No clean clothes for DH awww that’s sad. Anything not in the laundry bin goes in a black bag if you are feeling militant.

The chores share list is a good idea. Some people need a visual example.
Also
Put a black bin bag on his side of the bedroom. Tell him to put his dirty washing in it. He can then see where his washing is & how much needs doing. It is up to him when he does it. If he runs out of underwear it is his problem & a consequence that doesn't effect anyone else.

Listen to or read Eve Rodesky Fair Play. Quick easy listen. Then get him to read it.

if he’s still insisting on behaving in this misogynistic way then divorce him. He will then have to either do it himself or pay someone. And it is misogyny. The work you do is under valued because women were undervalued and it was seen as women’s work.

You are not his mother. You are not his carer. You are not the nanny. You are not the cleaner.

if he gets nasty then that’s abusive and controlling - trying to shut you up through fear or shutting you down.

You should both have equal amounts of time off.

If your marriage is otherside good, outsource as much as you can. Do your kids have a limited wardrobe that they run out of clothes after a week or do they have multiple changes in a day?
when my kids were young for example I had enough uniform for them so I only needed to do washing once a week.

I do believe in general men are wired differently. They just don’t “see” things that need doing. My DH also now has to do his own laundry. My kids are older than yours but anything left on the floor in their room, “disappears”. They are now so much better at not throwing their clothes on the floor.
yes your DH is supposed to be an adult but I feel this is a case of picking your battles and optimising life for you!

Fucking unbelievable. Why r u with him? Kick him out or give him a fair list to work with, that if he doesn’t do he’s out. Stop putting up with shit like this.

No. This is bullshit. Men get to run the whole world. Get paid more than us and have all the power. But they can't see mess. Nonsense.

They can see it. The bad ones just file it under 'women's work' and ignore it. But they see it.

OP the dog stuff. He wanted dogs, he said he'd do the extra work. Have you asked him about that commitment?

What does this man bring to your life. He sounds lazy and honestly a lot of men seem to be that way. I get you about the nagging. I would not do his laundry of anything for him until he pulls his weight. Maybe he thinks because you are on maternity leave you should do everything.

Wrong. Men aren’t wired differently. They absolutely can do it if they put effort in. They don’t put effort in due to internalised misogyny. Men who have to do it, can do it. They just see it as unimportant because society has undervalued it as it’s ’women’s Work’. It’s not the OPs job to find workarounds for a man who can’t be bothered to pull his weight. He needs to pull his weight.

I say this all the time on here, but this is why women should marry or move in with a man unless they have witnessed him running his own home and doing all his own chores for at least 2 years.

Absolutely, this is utter nonsense, this ‘men see things differently’ bullshit. Do you think they behave this way at work, needing lists and needing to be constantly asked and reminded to carry out basic tasks?

I once worked in an office where there were slightly more men than women at my level. The big cheese was a man and on his birthday, the receptionist and PA chipped in to buy him a cake, which was brought to the conference room as a surprise after a meeting. They brought plates and a cake knife and cake forks too.

We all sang happy birthday. Then nobody moved. Not a single one of us picked up the cake knife to cut and serve the cake. The men started looking at the women, expecting one of us to do Mother. It was a really awkward moment, but the women exchanged looks, and Nope.

Eventually the big cheese himself did the honours.