Husband hangs up call when I ask him to do his basic chores. Am I asking too much?!

[Biosblbay]

been with my husband 10 years, married 1, had a house and two children aged 3 and a baby 4 months old. I am on maternity leave but of course I do absolutely everything from when the kids wake up to when they go to bed, this includes most night duties with the baby, feeding the kids, washing bottle constantly, and also food shopping, appointments, arranging dates out, arranging seeing family, remembering to flea dogs, feed dogs, never ending laundry, all house work which is pretty much daily like dishwasher 2 times a day, hoovering, mopping etc and occasionally do breakfasts and lunches for my husband if I get the time. On top of this I am I committee member for my sons nursery to arrange fundraising so at the moment I am doing this for Christmas. This doesn’t include me trying to do things for myself, bath, do my hair which takes me forever, go gym, squeeze a day a month to see a friend but my husbands duties are work, get home, maybe work some more, pick up dog poos in garden, change gas bottles once’s every 2/3 months, bins, pay bills and anything DIY. Please bear in mind I also will be going back to work full time (38 hours per week) but currently on maternity leave, but I do contribute to bills and food shopping so I’m not exactly a stay at home mum.

My husband is on his way home and I feel like I need other people to tell him that it is not acceptable to hang up on me when I remind him to pick up the dog poos that haven’t been done in about 5 days. My mum lives in the annexe at the back on our garden and comes over most days to help me while I pick my son up from pre school so I don’t have to take the baby and she told me today that the poos are really bad and she had to dodge them.

my husbands excuse is that it’s too dark to do it when he gets home or too tired which I think is a very poor excuse, so a few weeks back I actually bought him a nice warm hat with a very bright light so he can’t blame the dark anymore.

durning the phone call I had to explain to him why he needs to do it today for him to say he will do it in the morning… my husband tends to do this very often when he says “I’ll do it tomorrow” and 9/10 doesn’t get done to be left another day. Because of this I have to go on and on quite a bit to which it ends up me moaning and over explaining to which ends up in a row then he either gets nasty, shouts, or as it is on the phone, hang up.

I think he is very unreasonable and very nasty at times not realising that me asking for the bear minimum isn’t a bad thing, I just want him to be able to do dog poos and bins every day without me having to ask but when I do it always ends up in an argument.

Can anyone please explain to my husband that I am not being unreasonable here! It is driving me crazy!! Yes he works, yes he is stressed but he forgets when I go back to work in a few months I have to work and do everything else!!

Just leave. There’s no fixing useless twats like this. I can’t even fathom being married to someone so disgustingly lazy and disrespectful, what a turn off. Yuck

So your mum has to dodge the poos and your 3yo presumably can't play out in the garden ever? 🤢

YANBU OP I would hang up on him and as leaves dirty mugs etc in your bedroom I would leave the mugs and everything else just leave it.

I would be getting rid of the dog.

He can make his own lunches, he’s an adult, so that’s one thing less for you. Loading dishwasher could be easily be another. Washing bottles etc

when you go back to work he’s going to have to step up his share then so he’s being a total arse for his lack of current help

lol at marrying a man that you have to ask to do chores

Some men just never do their share. My DH of 53 years has never done so - he is simply too slow! From Day 1 he has done maybe 5% of chores and taken the same time as me doing the other 95%. I tried to show him faster ways of doing things, he just didn't want to learn - but he would say he tried his best, as it that makes it fair. Even that 5% I often had to re-do cos the item was still dirty. I have witnessed him washing a knife with a piece of dry kitchen paper (no detergent) cos he said it was easier than getting it wet and then having to dry it!

I actually suspect he has some degree of ADHD but he would consider that suggestion to be an insult. OTOH one of our SiLs has (late diagnosed in mid-40s) ADHD and does everything he can to do things better.

I too have to tell him what needs doing and remind him several times - before doing it myself! Man-child is a good description - and it WILL NOT CHANGE.

Jesus, your garden must absolutely reek. Do your DC never want to play out there?

My DH leaves at 6am and gets back at 8pm, and to be honest I wouldn't expect him to go out in the dark hunting for dog shit. He does 'indoor' jobs when he gets back instead, like cleaning the kitchen and tidying up the kids mess. Can't you do the poo during the day and give him one of your jobs?

i’d rehome him and the dog

Hey OP ..
The dog needs to be rehomed ..
I had to do one time , did my best for 2.5 years , dog wasn’t being walked enough , like that back garden not kept as it should, as in picking up from Dog ..
I worked full time , kids , house , same story as you really, causing rows like in your house, adding more stress & it’s not fair on the dog ..
It’s the sensible thing to do if nothing changes , only changing for a while & back to the same old ding dong ..

With regard to all the other issues..
You need to sit him down for a serious chat ..
Things can’t keep going as they are ..

Why aren’t the dogs being walked? They wouldn’t be doing it in the garden if they had a walking routine. That’s the magic of dogs, when they’re walked at the same times every day, they get into a routine of doing it on one of their walks! If they’re doing it in the garden then they’re not being walked regularly enough

It is utterly shocking how many people's first thought is to rehome the dogs. What kind of human being thinks that's the solution to an argument about poo picking?!

You're making things so hard for yourself here OP. He's right, it is difficult to poo pick in the dark. Sit down like grown ups and agree who does what sensibly - i.e. switch the poo picking for something he can easily do in the dark.

Seal a job with him, but honestly he just sounds lazy and the situation probably won't alter and he'll just shirk another job.

I'm amazed how many people are against OP here. It sounds like OP does almost everything. It's hardly a huge ask to pick up some dog poop once a day, FFS.

I’d suggest rehoming the husband too

You're a single parent already @Biosblbay, what does he bring to the relationship except money? DIY is hardly a daiy task.

The dogs need to be with people who want them and give them proper attention. He doesn't even walk them at night? Not cleaning up dog poop immediately is disgusting.

Whoever lets the dog out to poop picks it up immediately, unless it's blowing a gale, but our dog doesn't poop much in the garden, so it's usually picking up on walks instead.
Just stop doing everything for him, no picking up his mess, no laundry, no food, let him see how it feels when things don't get done and it impacts on HIM

Nah. The OP will come back from work and do another shift at home. Man baby will still be as pointless as ever.

Why are you calling him to talk about poo? Just talk about it when he is home. How childish and petty.

Rehome the dogs. He is being cruel by not looking after them properly.

Then you need to sit down and fairly divide up the other tasks so that when he is home things are shared equally and you each get equal leisure time. I would also be making sure you have an exit plan in place. He does not sound like a keeper. He may surprise me but you need a back up plan.

He can do it but he doesn’t want to. He could do it in the morning. Or he could hire a dog walker. Why does she have to solve the problem for him?

The dogs seem to be tipping your family over the edge here… they are incredibly demanding even without all the other stuff you have to do

What does he do at weekends @Biosblbay

As a single parent I had to do everything and work full time.
So how can he be too tired to do anything?
He sounds deeply misogynistic expecting a woman to do everything because you are a woman.
If he lived with a man he'd have to pull his weight.

Is this thread really happening......

OP, I feel for you so much. As if this situation is not crazy making already, you have these bizarre left field replies. I can only guess they are men, or those women we're talking about on another thread. Yes, a thread has been created to question and debate why MN is awash with the most nonsensical crazy making replies to threads simply reaching out for logical help and support.

Anyway .... nothing is going to change unless you force it through your actions. Phone calls, asking, it's not working. He is not responding.

I want to know why the dogs are not getting walked. Is paying a dog walker an option. If not, seriously push for re homing the dogs. I don't know how you force him to do that.

The dogs are only a symptom of his bigger problem. Is he an inherently lazy selfish pig? Does he have additional needs like ADHD which impacts his organisation and he needs to go get assessment and get on some meds? They're genuine questions to ponder.

Whatever is going on, he won't change unless you physically do something. That would be threatening to leave him unless he physically does more, with specific examples you give him. If you can't do that, what other consequences can you negotiate with? I am grateful I don't have a partner. I have enough to cope with. So I can't say whether withholding sex is actually a good idea or a useful tool for change. It could backfire. It could be seen as too manipulative. I personally would be so disgusted by his behaviour I'd easily be as dry as a desert and snapped shut like a Venus fly trap so it would be a natural consequence to his behaviour if I'm honest. You could tell him that - it's incredibly unappealing, makes you very opposed to intimacy......

Something tells me words will have zero impact here. Only tangible actions are going to see if he is capable of changing.

I don't know how you ladies can mentally cope with men like this. I admire what it takes to endure it. I would be going insane over this feeling powerless and would want it removed immediately from my home. Not always viable I understand.

Can you get the dog to shit where DH parks his car? Then he won't have to walk around in the dark, it will be right under his feet when he gets home from work.