Husband hangs up call when I ask him to do his basic chores. Am I asking too much?!

[Biosblbay]

been with my husband 10 years, married 1, had a house and two children aged 3 and a baby 4 months old. I am on maternity leave but of course I do absolutely everything from when the kids wake up to when they go to bed, this includes most night duties with the baby, feeding the kids, washing bottle constantly, and also food shopping, appointments, arranging dates out, arranging seeing family, remembering to flea dogs, feed dogs, never ending laundry, all house work which is pretty much daily like dishwasher 2 times a day, hoovering, mopping etc and occasionally do breakfasts and lunches for my husband if I get the time. On top of this I am I committee member for my sons nursery to arrange fundraising so at the moment I am doing this for Christmas. This doesn’t include me trying to do things for myself, bath, do my hair which takes me forever, go gym, squeeze a day a month to see a friend but my husbands duties are work, get home, maybe work some more, pick up dog poos in garden, change gas bottles once’s every 2/3 months, bins, pay bills and anything DIY. Please bear in mind I also will be going back to work full time (38 hours per week) but currently on maternity leave, but I do contribute to bills and food shopping so I’m not exactly a stay at home mum.

My husband is on his way home and I feel like I need other people to tell him that it is not acceptable to hang up on me when I remind him to pick up the dog poos that haven’t been done in about 5 days. My mum lives in the annexe at the back on our garden and comes over most days to help me while I pick my son up from pre school so I don’t have to take the baby and she told me today that the poos are really bad and she had to dodge them.

my husbands excuse is that it’s too dark to do it when he gets home or too tired which I think is a very poor excuse, so a few weeks back I actually bought him a nice warm hat with a very bright light so he can’t blame the dark anymore.

durning the phone call I had to explain to him why he needs to do it today for him to say he will do it in the morning… my husband tends to do this very often when he says “I’ll do it tomorrow” and 9/10 doesn’t get done to be left another day. Because of this I have to go on and on quite a bit to which it ends up me moaning and over explaining to which ends up in a row then he either gets nasty, shouts, or as it is on the phone, hang up.

I think he is very unreasonable and very nasty at times not realising that me asking for the bear minimum isn’t a bad thing, I just want him to be able to do dog poos and bins every day without me having to ask but when I do it always ends up in an argument.

Can anyone please explain to my husband that I am not being unreasonable here! It is driving me crazy!! Yes he works, yes he is stressed but he forgets when I go back to work in a few months I have to work and do everything else!!

The expectation is that they both have the same amount of free time. Not that he works 9-5 Monday to Friday and she covers looking after children, dogs and the house for those hours plus evening, nighttimes and weekends.

Yes I am wondering this too!! Whose idea was it to get a dog @Biosblbay ? My exh decided that WE needed chickens, I made it clear from the get go that they were not my idea, not my responsibility, under no circumstances. He went ahead and got them anyway and then he used to get frustrated, but I didn’t help him and I didn’t eat enough eggs either so we had too many and they were going to waste. 🙄…ffs

I dont disagree he's an absolute waste of space; my point is OP wont achieve anything during a phone call, he isnt present, he isnt in the room.

A phone call isnt the place to bring up chores because its so easy for him to placate her with "yeah yeah" or as he did hang up.

why don't you or your mum do the poo pick chore in daylight and delegate one of your chores that can be done inside instead. The phone calls, the head lamp the MIL chiding in, not surprised he hangs up really.

You listed defleaing the dog and changing the gas bottles on your to do list, seriously these take a few minutes once every 3 months.

Just pick up the poo every day. It’s gross to leave it out there day after day. You can’t pick it up in the dark.

When my kids were the same age as yours I did everything as my DP worked incredibly long hours running two businesses. It was fine, the eldest was in pre school, the baby slept during the day on and off giving time to keep on top of stuff. Unless you have a difficult baby or usual set up there’s time to pick up dog poo.

you can still talk about it when he gets home. Grabbing a phone and making passive aggressive comments while he is commuting just makes her look unhinged. It's the sort of thing immature students in a house share do when they see their housemate hasn't emptied the bin.

Nooooooo. 'all you can do it try'?? Why isn't HE trying?! (Well, he's very trying I suppose)

He's treating you and the house with disrespect. You've tried for so long to make it easier for him and he's only got worse. You could start with relationship therapy as it sounds like only a third party could show him he's a twat.

But ultimately, do you want to be with someone who disrespects you, your house, the dogs and your mum?

Stop talking; it’s not working. Don’t do a single thing for him. Leave his clothes out of the laundry. Feed yourself and kids before he gets home. If he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, collect them together and put them in his car. Do not wash them. Do not make his lunches or help at all. He will soon appreciate how much you do. When he asks about it, ask him to explain very clearly why you should continue doing anything for him - then ask why you don’t deserve the same. Point out that you allowed him the courtesy of explaining without being nasty or rude. He will make a temporary concession but it will backslide into excuses. At which point you go on strike again.

You need to be firm and uncompromising. You also need to decide how often you’re prepared to do this before you decided enough is enough.

I LOATHE men like this and have no idea why women put up with it. It is rude and disrespectful. You are his wife, not his servant. But it’s on you to make him aware of that or you will either have a life filled with resentment or divorce.

Actually I’ve just read the bit about him being messy in the house. That’s the shit I’d be sorting out. Not picking up after himself is not ok.

He doesn't need that explained. He knows he's being unreasonable.

But he also knows that you and your mother rely on the home set up and leaving him would be logistically difficult. So he is just using you as his skivvy. He has no respect for you and doesn't like you.

You're not unique here, this is the situation of many married people, especially women.

I'd rehome the dogs, cease being his slave, focus on my child and my own career, and make silent plans to escape that situation asap.

Give it a few years, siphon some money off perhaps via your mum, soon as the kids are old enough you feel comfortable him caring for them alone file for divorce. Sort your future housing situation out and ensure a smooth transition.

Have fun sorting it all now and then have fun walking out on him when the time comes.

There's always someone like this, who seems to believe that because they found it easy, everyone else should, not pausing to think that many mothers have so little sleep that every task is incredibly difficult and that there are many, many monthly tasks, which all add up, and that not all babies sleep most of the day (mine slept some of the day, for example, but screamed if taken off my breast at any time if day and night).

I agree. And in my experience the ones who say ‘I had it all nailed and it was easy’ have low standards; a messy house, UPF food and a dog that isn’t walked as much as it should be. Or it’s a classic case of it being so long ago they can’t recall the day to day calamities so ‘I must’ve done it all fine’

She already does everything else…@op yes your husband is a lazy shyster, you have my sympathies.. my husband is also a bit like this and we have this talk once every month or so and I’ll keep doing it till either he changes or we get divorced

This. Also you're on maternity leave so why are you paying bills?

Asking and asking just becomes very annoying. Yes, I know the simple answer is for him to just DO it but chasing after people gets their backs up.
If I was driving home from work, being reminded that there’s 5 days worth of poop waiting for me in the dark garden wouldn’t exactly get a cheerful reply, even if it was all my fault!!

I read great advice on here before, which was to start asking other men to do his jobs. Nothing more wounding to a man’s ego and he will step right up!

With the dog poo though, it’s not really something you can ask anyone else to do, unless there’s a paid service in your area like this one: https://poocleaners.co.uk/near-me/devon-torquay/

If all else fails, I agree with PP that this is a job that really should be shared.

I’d rather be at work and do what her husband does ( nothing for the home) than what the Op does.. it sounds exhausting

Why doesn't whoever takes the dog out scoop the poop right then? Then it's not building up to where you're living in a hazmat site. I can see missing one at night, but go pick it up the next day.

That said, your husband sounds like he's lazy and left everything for you to do while you're on maternity leave and he's not going to change once you go back to work. He likes having a bangmaidnanny personalassistantpooperscooper.

He leaves his crap around the house, leave it. Stop doing housework for him. His clothes on the floor, let them fester. Let him use his wet towels. Let him turn into MoldMan.

You have children. Dog poo needs to be picked up straight away, not left for whichever one of you to get round to it. What if one of the kids comes into contact with it?

Men like this don’t change. I’m sorry op.

Tell him you’ve had enough, and he needs to fuck off and take the dogs with him.

Well, yeah, it needs cleaning up. But presumably you can see why OP's been standing her ground?

Yeah, if I was OP & doing everything, I'd get rid of the man & the dogs.

I can’t get past you talking about your dog routinely shitting in the garden like that’s perfectly normal. 🤢🤢

At last a sensible answer. Never understand how people just love to make someone having a hard time feel even worse.

Also I have picked up dog poo in the dark just use a torch or have a good back garden light. I’m sure you do enough cleaning of poo with two kids!