Husband hangs up call when I ask him to do his basic chores. Am I asking too much?!

[Biosblbay]

been with my husband 10 years, married 1, had a house and two children aged 3 and a baby 4 months old. I am on maternity leave but of course I do absolutely everything from when the kids wake up to when they go to bed, this includes most night duties with the baby, feeding the kids, washing bottle constantly, and also food shopping, appointments, arranging dates out, arranging seeing family, remembering to flea dogs, feed dogs, never ending laundry, all house work which is pretty much daily like dishwasher 2 times a day, hoovering, mopping etc and occasionally do breakfasts and lunches for my husband if I get the time. On top of this I am I committee member for my sons nursery to arrange fundraising so at the moment I am doing this for Christmas. This doesn’t include me trying to do things for myself, bath, do my hair which takes me forever, go gym, squeeze a day a month to see a friend but my husbands duties are work, get home, maybe work some more, pick up dog poos in garden, change gas bottles once’s every 2/3 months, bins, pay bills and anything DIY. Please bear in mind I also will be going back to work full time (38 hours per week) but currently on maternity leave, but I do contribute to bills and food shopping so I’m not exactly a stay at home mum.

My husband is on his way home and I feel like I need other people to tell him that it is not acceptable to hang up on me when I remind him to pick up the dog poos that haven’t been done in about 5 days. My mum lives in the annexe at the back on our garden and comes over most days to help me while I pick my son up from pre school so I don’t have to take the baby and she told me today that the poos are really bad and she had to dodge them.

my husbands excuse is that it’s too dark to do it when he gets home or too tired which I think is a very poor excuse, so a few weeks back I actually bought him a nice warm hat with a very bright light so he can’t blame the dark anymore.

durning the phone call I had to explain to him why he needs to do it today for him to say he will do it in the morning… my husband tends to do this very often when he says “I’ll do it tomorrow” and 9/10 doesn’t get done to be left another day. Because of this I have to go on and on quite a bit to which it ends up me moaning and over explaining to which ends up in a row then he either gets nasty, shouts, or as it is on the phone, hang up.

I think he is very unreasonable and very nasty at times not realising that me asking for the bear minimum isn’t a bad thing, I just want him to be able to do dog poos and bins every day without me having to ask but when I do it always ends up in an argument.

Can anyone please explain to my husband that I am not being unreasonable here! It is driving me crazy!! Yes he works, yes he is stressed but he forgets when I go back to work in a few months I have to work and do everything else!!

sorry you all sound lazy. There are three functioning adults in the house and you guys don't walk the dog and let it crap into the garden instead and then argue who is picking it up the crap? did I get that right?

I get being on maternity leave is hard work but your older DC is at nursery, and you have your mum to help you daily. Its can't be that hard (I agree your DH should do his share of the loads but the dog crap thing is just weird - and rank).

If you are doing literally EVERYTHING now don't expect it to change when you go back to ft work without a very, very big fight. His behaviour is shit. You are not on holidays you are taking care of a baby human and he needs to be doing way, way more. Start that NOW. I did not do this when on mat leave with my 2 boys and it just morphed from us being a happy, fairly even couple to this traditional 50's style marriage, but wait! I still had to work just like him. Our marriage is now shot. I am leaving when I can.

Move your mum into the house and shift your lazy ass waste of space into the annex, and he can keep his dogs there with him.

Agree wrt the dogs.

This man isn't looking after anyone properly. He's expecting others to look after him.

Selfish, immature, entitled prat.

Was about to offer the same advice. Mr OP, it's also your home, your children, your dogs and your wife. Who told you all these things look after themselves? Are you actually part of your family life?

The years with small children are relentless, that's why people call it "in the trenches". What works is teamwork. If you expect to get through this with minimal extra effort, you can reasonably expect to be found surplus to requirements.

Withdraw your labour from anything to do with him - you look after yourself and the children and he's responsible for his own laundry, food, personal activities etc. This then means you have left him some set things to do that directly affect him. (Do you need to rethink the dogs if he's not actually looking after them as agreed?)
Obviously things like dirty cups etc round the house may need you to grab in passing. Leaving his stuff all over the place - just get a box that you can chuck it in/just push stuff into a pile, so it's less in the way, but you haven't dealt with it.
My DHs disorganisation drives me mad - a lot of dumping stuff around, particularly the kitchen table.... just gets up from chairs/sofas in such a way that looks as tho he's just vanished (hope that makes sense!!!) He is obsessed with washing up though.....so at least that gets done (if on the side by the washing up, not somewhere else in the kitchen!!)
I'm dyslexic and chronically ill, so struggle to keep on top of tidying/organising but still have to do it!!

I agree that dealing with dog poo at night in not ideal. It’s a gross job anyway but even worse if you can’t see what’s going on. That being said he really should be helping with everything else. Right now he’s fathered 2 children but hasn’t managed to actually grow up and reach adulthood himself.

Sit down with him and have a frank conversation about the devision on labour. Who’s going to do what when you go back to work. Do some jobs need outsourcing? Do some need dropping altogether. You’re not superwoman you can’t possibly be responsible for the entire household.

In the meantime, Can you afford a dog walker? If the dogs were doing their business out on a walk they would deal with it and it wouldn’t be in your garden.

Being on a committee as well as everything else is insane. No wonder you have no time to yourself.
Email you are sorry but have to resign immediately.

Get the poo cleaned up then get your fog on a borrow my dog website or ask a local teen to walk it early morning and after school. Then it will not poo in the garden.

Ask your dh to sit down with you and work out how the fuck to enjoy life and help each other without ranting and shouting down the phone.

So no one is looking after the dogs properly you both decided to have 2 children and dogs yes no one about the dogs in all this?

You both made these lifestyle choices

Ii was married for 20 years to a man who sounds similar to your DH (we're now separated).

I tried EVERYTHING to get him to do his fair share of the chores - respectful conversations, lists, just leaving everything to see if he would eventually do it (he didn't), even marriage counselling. I just couldn't believe that he would consistently refuse to do the minimal amount of tasks required to maintain a household and I felt so disrespected and unheard.

But nothing helped. If I tried to talk about it with him he would either just go along with what I was saying and promise to improve (which never happened), or get angry.

I honestly think in this situation the only options are just to do everything yourself or outsource some of the tasks if possible (ie getting a cleaner for example). Or leave. But I am very sure that this type of man will not change.

Personally with a child at pre school and your mum at the bottom of the garden lots of “arranging” and a couple or washes a day isn’t excessive

i wouldn’t want to pick up 💩 in the dark in the garden either whether I had a a hat with a lamp on or not

Does the dog get walked? If not, poor dog. Could your Dh have the more pleasant job of walking the dog (and hopefully picking up poos on the walk) instead? Then your garden isn’t used as a toilet the dog has a nicer time?

Why are people taking the DH’s side and accusing the OP of nagging? The DH wanted the dogs, let him pick up shit. I certainly wouldn’t be picking up dog shit for dogs that I hadn’t particularly wanted. Grim.

If it’s too dark and the DH feels unable to do it, he needs to renegotiate with the OP and offer to take on other chores in its place not just ignore it.

@traintonowheretoday - are you a man?

hi @Biosblbay - really feel for you. There are so many of these threads and they make me so cross on your behalf.

there’s some good advice on here though.
Read through it carefully and pick the parts that could work for you.

With men like your DH, nothing will work from repeatedly asking him. You need to find a way to explain the sharing of tasks once you’re working that gets your point across and reaches him so he tries to make fundamental changes.
He may respond to the Huffington Post article (by the man putting his glass in the dishwasher).
He may respond to a more rational business like approach where you make a list of all the jobs that need doing and discuss rationally and calmly the best approach to all of them . He may respond to splitting jobs vertically - so if he’s doing washing he also puts it away and then you never step in and help with it so it’s completely his responsibility. If there are no clean clothes - he sorts it. Or food shopping - he does it all and plans meals so you don’t do any of it apart from cook your allotted meals. But the fundamental point is you agree areas of responsibility that roughly tally once you’re working and then only do your areas and don’t step in to fix or chide the other person - let them do it how they want.

Also, you could increase your outsourcing - get a cleaner 3 times a week for longer and give them more tasks including washing and changing beds, add in a dog walker, gardener too. If you can’t afford this, work through with him the hours involved in these jobs on top of your 40 hour week and ask him how to find these hours and what his recommendation is.
Ensure you’re doing everything as efficiently as possible in the house too and let some things go, it doesn’t have to be perfect when you’ve got young kids.
good luck - I fear you may have a dud of a partner x

buy him a head torch
or more reasonably pick up the poos when done

He's not going to change, you married someone who doesn't care enough about you to do the absolute minimum around the house

This context is useful. He's a lazy idiot who's taking the mickey. Not sure how or why this wasn't apparent before you started having kids together, but seeing as you are where you are, then just be aware that you don't have to put up with it. The dogs were his choice, so he should be responsible for the dogshit. He has children, those presumably were also a choice, so he needs to be responsible for them too. You have a choice OP, you don't have to put up with someone like him.

Well, evidently, the dog shit piles up.

I don't think the division of tasks is particularly unfair at the moment with you being sahm, but it would be if nothing changes when you go back to work.
Re. The Dog poo.... hmm I'm not sure. It's not the nicest job so maybe should be shared!

He wanted the dog, not OP and the agreement was that he did all the stuff for the dog. He isn't doing anything else and now isn't even doing that as OP ends up doing it.

OP didn't want the dog. Her husband did and he agreed that he would do all the chores relating to the dog. He has gone back on his promise and it isn't like he does other stuff to help instead. He does absolutely fuck all apart from go to work.

because @QuickPeachPoet the OP is at her wits end and has a 4 month old baby and another young child and is facing going back to work 40 hours a week and panicking how everything will get done because her dud of a bloke can’t even pick up his socks.

all this is whirring in her head …. How she will cope and she flipped over the dog poo. the dog poo is his task beciase he wanted the dogs- and he’s not walking or looking after them even.

@FirstdatesFred - he wanted the dogs and agreed to look after them.
he is currently not pulling his weight at all.

How on earth does OP sound lazy? Her husband wanted the dog not her and a condition of him getting a dog was that he did all the dog related chores such as walking the dog and picking up poo. He has completely reneged on this agreement.

OP does absolutely everything else and ends up picking up the poo anyway.

If I were OP, I'd get rid of the husband and he can take his dog with him.

@Biosblbay what you think?