To refuse to give a colleague a lift to/from work?

[NotTonightDeidre]

A colleague at work, I'll call her Kate, gets a lift 4 days a week with another colleague, Jen. Jen doesn't work Thursday, but both Kate & I do.

I've given Kate a lift on several occasions but I find it awkward as she's not all that talkative & I'm a very chatty person.

We did some training last week & I was in the same team as Kate, she barely acknowledged me, let alone spoke to me.

We saw each other at work today (we're in different teams day to day) and she half smiled at me. Fast forward to after work & I get a text from Kate asking for a lift tomorrow morning.

AIBU to have replied saying I'm unable to offer a lift at the minute? I feel like a dick, but also, I don't want awkward journeys in my own car.

To someone who blanks you the rest of the time?

More fool you then. People like you make it harder for the rest of us as you enable CFs to be CFs with no accountability/results for their rudeness

That's really nice of you, but I don't believe you have ever done so. I have been burned many times by giving lifts. At first they're grateful, it's a one off. Then they wonder if you could make it a regular thing. Then they'll ask if you can wait as they don't finish for 15-30 minutes. Then they ask for a lift to the supermarket/city centre. It's like a boiled frog situation. You realised it's gone from just occasionally dropping someone off on the way, to expectations of changing leave times and drop off points. When you start to say no, I can't. They get mad and stop speaking to you! They cannot believe you'll say no! Then they start telling colleagues how horrible you are and forget the 6 months of free lifts you gave! Only people who have experienced lifts would know. I would never get into any more lifts, unless it was a friend or someone I chat to in work.

Here you are being petty and ungenerous to the OP!

Did something happen to goodwill and a bit of give and take or have i missed something?

Maybe she is shy? Maybe she is ND? Maybe she 'barely acknowledged' you because she finds group things or people she doesn't know well difficult and isn't talkative? If she was chatty to everyone else bar you, then I think you'd have more of a point OP. But it's your car and you aren't obligated

Hardly. That was a pretty measured response - especially by MN standards

Did something happen to goodwill and a bit of give and take or have i missed something?

@Julimia but there is no take, OP is giving in this situation, to someone who blanks her

I wasn't talking about the manner of her response. She has taken the CF's side and is attributing meanness to the OP, who actually is in the situation. Maybe some generosity towards the OP wouldn't go astray. But all the liftcadgers on here probably see it otherwise.

Doesn’t that work both ways though? Would you give a lift to someone who blanked you day to day but then asked for lifts? Surely if you want someone to do you a favour you make the effort to be friendly to them even if it’s just a smile or a wave if you can’t manage a conversation?

But here, it's the OP who is giving and the colleague who is just taking and not even bothered to speak to her!

Don’t lie about it (as some have suggested: going to the gym etc), just say you can’t.
She doesn’t need to know that you can’t because she sets you on edge. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly what GAJLY said.

The stench of porkies and BS is most strong....

Suggest you perhaps contact the OP, get the details of CFC Kate and start dropping her off to work 8 days a week seeing as though you say you'd be perfectly happy....

Did something happen to being nice & polite to those that do you favours, and not ignoring them when you see them outside the favour situation?

All these people that are quite happy to offer other people's time, petrol etc... If OP doesn't want to do it she doesn't have to, and she doesn't need an excuse for not doing it.
The person relies on at least 2 other people to get her to her job, maybe she should start paying her own way!

You are not being remotely unreasonable in not giving a lift to her.

I don't drive, have never driven and get by perfectly well by using public transport, taxis and walking. I actively dislike being in cars, for various reasons, so try to never drive as a passenger and never take lifts with people who kindly offer them.

And I'm annoyed and embarrassed by people like her thinking it's acceptable or normal for those of us who can't or don't drive to just demand or expect lifts - because it makes people assume we're all like that! I've read many threads on here where people are convinced that non drivers are constantly asking for lifts. Or that non drivers are helpless and ought to learn to drive because they can't get themselves from a to b. And with people like her, no wonder that's what people think of us!

I know some people personally who are like this. It enrages me that my friends think I will be like them- unable to go to events far from my home or late at night without relying on a lift. I enjoy continuing to surprise them that it's absolutely possible to be independent and go where I want to without asking for lifts. But people like your colleague seem to be everywhere, making people think non drivers are constantly on the scrounge.
So, yanu! She is!

There’s so much bitterness in this thread- please people, after the first time, or maybe the fifth time, whatever works for you, just cheerfully say you do have a policy of asking for contributions for lifts to work (or wherever) and make an agreement. If the passenger doesn’t like it then you can move on. They don’t have to agree to contribute- but the result is no lift. Do it early, do it with good nature, and you’ll save yourself much of the resentment reflected by some of the posters. I’m very surprised this isn’t a thing for many here, it’s an utterly reasonable thing to do in my opinion.

Or they just have a different opinion to the OP (and you obviously). It's not 'mean' to state that.

I think the posters you are calling 'liftcadgers' are more likely to be the ones that wouldn't have a problem giving a colleague a lift one day a week.

Except that they don't drive or own their own car, they want to 'cadge' ie 'get without paying' someone else to do it for them.

OP doesn't need an excuse why she can't/doesn't wanna do it. She owes the colleague zero justification.

Why can't colleague make her own way to the office?

But if it was that much of a non event the OP would've just said sorry, can't, rather than make a whole thread?

How do you know that? I'd give a colleague a lift even if they weren't 'chatty' in my own car. And if I wasn't going massively out of my way, I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money. And @Bungle2168 seems to have their own car as well.

Anyone worried about "cadging" could always ask for petrol money..

However, OP feeling awkward and wanting more interaction is a reason. She's not obligated.

I was asked by my manager to give a lift to non-driving colleague the next day and she ok’d us both starting a little later (healthcare), colleague wasn’t there to say yes please or no thanks, I just told her I’d pick up. sometimes we’d do the nursery drop off on the way. things can be a lot different in low paying jobs

Why should you?! She is cheeky! She can get herself to work. I don’t drive and it never occurred to me ask people for lifts.

And you don’t like the fact that she doesn’t talk much. Plus, she ignores you. Tell her to piss off.

I think the posters you are calling 'liftcadgers' are more likely to be the ones that wouldn't have a problem giving a colleague a lift one day a week

No, they won't, because they can't drive.