Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

It's not about getting a certificate. It about not getting one. Not at all. Over and over again. It's not about getting a line, it's about consistently not getting one. Why do you imagine his self esteem is low? Doesn't seem like he can get recognised whatever he does.

If you're a primary school teacher and you haven't rewarded each child in your class for something in a year, you need to think about your actions.

@ThisMerryCat Also wondering what ‘Going full Welsh’ means?

Op, I mean this genuinely, are you ok? Is everything ok at home. Your anger is palpable, your focus doesn’t seem to be on how can you support your son, understand why his friends are drifting away, why he is becoming isolated, as that’s what he is becoming if his friends are drifting off. It’s not about school recognition for attendance or academic awards.

your Child needs help. And that’s not as he doesn’t get awards at school, something else is making him miserable not want to go to school I suspect it’s as he’s losing friends, but is everything ok at home to at least off set the school issues he faces. Because I am unsure you can hide from him the level of vitriol you are displaying here.

Strange thar the OP has no other posts apart from this thread.

For anyone wondering what 'going full Welsh' means:
So what is a 'full Welsh breakfast'? - Wales Online

If going “full Welsh” is the same as “all guns blazing”, then for goodness sake do not that. It is absolutely never acceptable , and it makes your bad behaviour a problem that the school has to deal with. You need them on your side. Go through the proper system. Send an email expressing your concerns. Ask to book a meeting with the teacher.

Your son sounds like one of the ones in the middle, not causing any trouble, not being the best at anything either. It’s easy for children like this to go unnoticed. They shouldn’t do, but in a class of 30 he’s not standing out. You need to be calm and polite and persistent. The second you go and get angry with them you will be viewed as unreasonable. If you remain faultlessly reasonable they have to actually listen to what you say.

Unfortunately I have extensive experience dealing with problems at my kids schools. I have also seen other people take the all guns blazing approach. Calm and collected works better.

Your initial post heavily implies multiple times. But whatever…up to you what you do. Forcing your kid into teams, roles an awards won’t make him friends, it will foster resentment.

I didn’t read the initial post as implying several times at all. It said that her son had very good attendance and the threashold for an award was 85%. In other words, the threshold is really rather low and her son is more than eligible because his attendance is good, and 85% is not good.

I did, largely placed on the plural of “bugs”, implying multiple. You didn’t, makes little difference. It doesn’t really matter, I’ve got my opinion on it and frankly the attendance thing isn’t the only issue yet it’s the one everyone seems to be focusing on.

I had this exact issue with DD1 last year. She's high achieving and prides herself on being impeccably behaved but is also incredibly shy, and was getting overlooked for absolutely everything. Awards, treats and special jobs were being given out hand over fist to the badly behaved kids as 'rewards' for actually managing to sit still during a lesson, whilst the ones who were quietly getting on with their work were being completely overlooked. Irritatingly, these certificates/special jobs mean nothing to these children, but to my DD, who LOVES school, mean the absolute world. I'm completely non-confrontational but after years of it I'd had enough and finally sent an snippy email to the teacher about the well behaved children flying under the radar. It seemed to give the school a good kick up the arse because DD1 (along with several of her equally quiet, studious classmates) now has quite a few 'special' jobs and is now invited on LOADS of trips (even sporty ones, which she is rubbish at). It's boosted her confidence so much, which she desperately needed.

Are we honestly expected to believe that the teacher took Tim out of her lesson, ignored the multiple children in front of her, and just stared? Does it really sound likely? If a child asks a lot of pointless questions, or asks at a time they have been taught is inappropriate, or has their hand up to answer every question the teacher asks, or a variety of other situations, a child may be left feeling like they didn’t get to say what they wanted. That doesn’t mean they are continually overlooked. You probably aren’t being told of the occasions he has spoken in class with no problem.

The thing about attendance is weird. Your child either has attendance over 85% or he doesn’t. If a mistake was made, a polite email would solve the problem. If it wasn’t, you show yourself up as one of those parents that is never happy and spends time actively looking to criticise school just for shits and giggles.

If you wanted to complain about attendance awards you’d have a different complaint.

It's not that anyone is a liar, but as the saying goes - there's my truth, your truth and the truth. People have different recollections of events, that doesn't mean anyone is intentionally lying.

My oldest has a very blunt teacher, and parents are regularly on class whatts app having a moan about him. A recent example all about same day
'Joe said they lost part of morning break because they hadn't finished their work'
' Betty said they lost all their morning break because they were being too loud'
'Archie said they all lost part of lunch break because their work wasn't good enough'
'Milly said the kids who weren't mucking around got to go out earlier at lunch than those who were'

These were all versions of the same event told by children to their parents!

I don't want to sound picky but being in the top 25% of the class doesn't really equate to academic awards, surely? Top 10% yes, but 25?

Most of the kids in the class will sit around the 50-75 mark.

If you really feel he is bright but not getting pushed or encouraged, maybe consider entering him for the 11+.

There are practise books available to buy (by year group).

If he enjoys doing them, it might be worth entering him.

For what it's worth, mine went to a very sporty school but isn't sporty. There were many sport awards but no academic ones. He went all through primary with zero recognition. He is now in a grammar school and thriving.

As someone who works in education i agree with your comments. I am actually horrified at the dismisve attitude of some of the teachers on here.

Teaching staff can play a huge part in children's confidence. I also know as a parent one of my children was crushed because no matter how hard he worked, how well behaved he was and how hard he tried he was never recognised in his previous school for it because the same children always got recognition and rewards. Note I say previous school!

I agree with this. There's a lot of life lessons kids have to learn and "not everyone can be star of the week" is a good place to start. Build your DSs confidence up at home and ensure he has play dates and time with friends from a variety of backgrounds. Encourage him to continue doing his best at school for its own benefit - not for the glory that is always bestowed on certain kids for reasons that are often nothing to do with their actual achievements. Why do you care about an attendance award?

I think you need to work kn resilience and boosting his self worh without the need for external validation. Although you understandably think he is he most talented and deserving of recognition child as we all do, to the teacher your child is no more or less important than another. This situation is age old, there are just some children that get picked for stuff and some don't. Unfortunately it is just a factor in life that kids need to learn to acknowledge. Not everyone in the world is going to treat them with awards and celebrations
My son is in he mediocre category too, his validation comes from himself.

I’d have thought the point of Star of the Week is that every kid can be it, for one week of the year, if it’s properly managed. There’s enough weeks and kids do enough things throughout the year for every kid in a class of 30 to get their little moment of recognition. It’s not pampering them or rendering it meaningless to share it out effectively across the class/year.

Agreed!

My DS is very bright and exceptionally good at maths (doesn’t get it from me!) and has been frustrated in the past when children who got less in tests were praised more than him. I have explained that everyone deserves praise when they have done well for themselves, not just when compared to others. He is 10 and understands

‘Going off’ at the school with this attitude will get you (and your son) absolutely NOWHERE.
You need to firstly get a grip of your own emotions, then talk, rationally, to his teacher about how he is feeling. Don’t tell them what they’re doing is wrong - just list some of your observations/perceptions and tell them your son is feeling sad about it.
Then LISTEN to what they say in response.

You need to take the heat out of the situation or it’s only your son who will pay the price.

OP - you’re getting a hard time because this is Mumsnet and lots of mums like to put others down, sadly.

I get you. You’re seeing your son’s enjoyment of school go down, and he’s describing situations where he feels ignored and low. You’re doing the right thing to raise it, but like others have said, you need to go into school with the right approach. Assume that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Ask questions.

1. My sons starting to feel sad around school and reluctant when coming in - he’s saying he feels invisible. Is there anything the teacher can do to highlight his strengths?

2. He’d love a speaking part at the next play, would it be possible to arrange this as he hasn’t yet had a turn?

3. He feels he’s struggling with friendships - have you noticed anything going on there? Do you have any tips?

85% attendance is very low!

This is one of the things wrong with the school system, there is not much there for average kids and it is disheartening. I remember feeling the same myself, that I was never quite good enough (despite eventually doing very well academically), it was always the same kids getting recognised for everything because the way achievement was measured was very biased. You are right to bring it up with the teacher.

Everyone CAN, and should, be star of the week.

Really? Then it’s not really achievement based, more just a rotation irrelevant of behaviour.

Yep.

It's primary school, not the Nobel Prize committee.