Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

Maybe this is irrelevant as your son's attendance seems fine - but (going by the way you've phrased it) are you keeping him off when he's ill, or because there is something going around, but he's not actually ill?

I have one child that is fairly bright but quiet and young in year and I imagine he doesn't really stand out in the classroom. I can definitely see the difference in how teachers talk about him compared with his older brother, who is very bright and engaged at school, with the result that all the teachers love him - but they are different people.

I’d tell them he’s feeling very low about school all the time and ask if they can help him feel better about the place.

It changes over time, your son will get his chance to shine.

If

Yes, I'll happily explain. Can I ask what you would like me to clarify?

All children deserve to be celebrated and recognized.

Psychological damage? It sounds like they are preparing him for real life…. If you don’t stand out and shine then you are part of the forgotten/overlooked masses.

I think was quite often happens is perception - your son may well feel it to be true it doesn’t necessarily mean it is what the teacher sees.

I posted earlier about how a teacher didn't recognise my daughter. Well, I had something similar happen to me in primary school. Year 7 (Scottish system, last year before secondary). The teacher was extremely well regarded - on my town's Facebook group she is remembered fondly, with most people saying she was the best teacher they had

But she was horrible to me. Everyone in the class knew it.

I discovered later that there was always one student in every year who she picked on.

It was every day stuff. She would say hello to everyone and blank me. I had no idea what I was doing wrong - i had always been top of the class academically but that seemed to really annoy her. In those days no one complained to their parents so I said nothing.

But it changed me, made me less confident. I have had therapy as an adult and she is the name that crops up most.

It is awful how much damage people like this can do.

OP, I’m sending you lots of love, because it seems you had a tough time at school and are virtually reliving it through your child. Feeling all the hurt and pain that happened to you. But your son is NOT you. You’re putting this burden on him. Instead of teaching him real, lasting life skills and showing him he doesn’t need external recognition to be proud of himself, you are failing him. If you teach him that you’ll come rushing to his aid every time someone forgets him or doesn’t acknowledge him with meaningless medals and certificates, what’s he going to do when his first girlfriend dumps him? When he gets his first job and people aren’t always nice? If you’ve taught him true, internal confidence, he will be able to manage situations (especially disappointment and loss) by himself, as an adult. Not jumping in and ‘going full Welsh/fighting his battles’ is what good parenting is all about.
Fwiw, my son was exactly like yours. He’s very quiet, very shy and never got noticed, never got certificates for anything. His teachers wouldn’t recognise him if he walked back into any of his old classes. He’s 18 now, but he’s stoic. He’s kind & resilient. He’s not perfect but he can cope perfectly well on his own, and he knows I love him. That’s all that matters.

OP, you have ignored many constructive posts and only responded to a few critical ones. I hope that you have read others and taken them in.

There is clearly something wrong as your son is so upset. Speak to the teacher about it. But don't go in assuming they are a liar or choosing to ignore your son.

They may need your inside knowledge that your son is feeling overlooked, and then will use this to make sure he gets asked to answer more often in class. The teacher may have no sway over who gets picked for sports, but they might do, and may be able to ask for him to be considered for one sport, even if he is not the best in it, because he would really benefit from the opportunity. Go and speak to them as if they are reasonable, and only make your judgement if they don't respond positively.

I think this is beautifully put. OP you should definitely take note of this rather than going in all guns blazing. As the writer puts merely a certificate is not going to change how he feels in the long run….

This: "I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh',"

You said it was vernacular. It doesn't make sense to me unless it meant slapping some laver bread on a cooked breaakfast.

Is it possible that he’s upset BECAUSE you’re making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be? Maybe he feels he’s disappointing you in some way, because you’re hitting the roof over something most parents see as normal - that children get overlooked, won’t get certificates or parts in nativity plays etc. He’ll be going through puberty soon and it’s important that you, as the adult, teach him calmness and don’t catastrophise.
(It’s quite telling that most of the gregarious kids at my son’s old who played main parts in nativity and got picked for everything aren’t doing particularly well in life now!)
Give him space. Reassure him that it’s really not a big deal. He’ll be ok ❤️

I can remember complaining that I never got a part in the nativity, and that preference was given to [name] and [name]. and my project didn't get a prize when [name]'s DM had obviously helped, and it wasn't fair that [name] was picked for the team and I wasn't, and how [name] got a bigger sack in the sack race, and the horrid kid was never told off because his DM was a dinner lady.
It was so unfair!

How can a child - or anyone - get psychological damage because they aren’t picked for a ream
sport and award? That is a reach.

OP mentions childhood trauma so perhaps a lot of this comes from that, and projecting it on to the child.

You are being completely ridiculous, and YOU are the problem, not the school.

Ignore the 85%, you seem to very reluctant to admit that he did NOT meet the attendance criteria. Which means he didn't qualify - there's no vendetta against him?

Attendance rewards are stupid in my view, but if don't agree with them, complain against the reward, not that the school didn't make an exception for your little darling!

Psychological damage, honestly. You are stressing that poor kid out and making a non-issue into a ridiculous story.

You could just be a normal parent, and ask that he gets at least one reward this year, which they should do, not make the list of everything he doesn't qualify for but you want an exception!

A certificate might not fix it but lack of recognition can certainly crush it. I'm surprised a primary teacher is so dismissive of a child's confidence potentially being directly impacted by he actions of teachers.

I tell you why, because mummy is making such a fuss about it all, the poor kid become very distraught for no reason. Mummy thinks and brainwash him that he's special, and the world doesn't agree. That can do nothing but hurt.

Every child is special!

They're 10 year old children, not everything has to be a life lesson.

I am writing this as a parent of a child in the bottom 10%, which is an upsetting thing to acknowledge.

Dont go in all guns blaming, you will get a better result for your child if you speak calmly and openly. When communicating with the school, I try really hard to engage my 'work brain' and treat it like a work project.

In terms of those saying that these awards essentially go to kids who are challenging. I would much prefer my son to receive an education that is accessible to him and he can learn from, which requires more resourcing than schools can provide, over a certificate any day.

Are you really sure you he your facts right? Using my son's primary, my son's secondary, and the college I work at, your figures seem way off.
Attendance - 85% is would be good enough for questions not to be asked about poor attendance, but nowhere near an excellent achievement that needs rewarding, that would be for those who had 100% or maybe 98-99%. (My son's school only did 100%)
Again lead roles in assemblies etc - they have what 2 assemblies with roles a year, - that's 14 lead roles in your child's time at primary between how many in his year group - 30 if it's a one form entry -60 if its a 2!
Academic awards usually go to the top 2-3% - so him being in the top 25% would be irrelevant
Does getting equipment from another school happen often, do loads of children go? I would have thought that might be something that 2 or 3 children get to do a year - again the vast majority will never do it.
The teacher not picking him to answer questions might be something to bring up, but does he usually have lots of correct things to say. To be honest, unless your son's school has particularly low targets for attendance and achievements, and does massively more extra interesting activities, I think your son is simply not in those groups (Maybe you need to work with him to improve some things?). You could enquire for clarification on how things are chosen, but don't complain!

Some clubs outside school can be really cheap like some football or scouts. Something like that might help his sense of self.

85% is quite low. Mine had a rough term and medical issue so it was like that one term. But picked up as an average. I wonder if theres anything that can help with that.

I agree politely talk to the school saying he wonders why he wasnt chosen for anything and what could he aim for.

Getting chosen for a play for example is about appearing reliable and confident enough to say the lines. So if he isnt it might be worth considering how to bolster confidence ie suggesting he has a line in assembly or something smaller at first.

It must be difficult not being chosen.
But also it will be ok - theres time for him to find his place. Reassure him hes a good kid and youre proud of him for who he is. If it helps my husband wasnt chosen for anything and now hes very clever and successful..

She has said multiple times that 85% is the cut off for an award, and that her son has near perfect attendance which would be 95% above. Even if she wasn't clear from the beginning she has clarified this multiple times since, gosh.

Dismissive? I literally said to speak to the teacher about his self esteem and focus on more meaningful solutions rather than one thing like a line in an assembly or an attendance certificate.

I'm a teacher and I'm surprised by the number of YABU.

I will caveat my YANBU by saying I have known some really pushy parents in the past whose offspring were equally entitled, shouting out to be chosen, not being gracious etc., and they were often overlooked on account of their poor learning behaviours. I've also known children who lie to parents because they are jealous of attention given to children who need it to stay regulated.

You need to listen to the school's explanation, and if it differs to what your DS says then please consider whether the above might apply.

However, if what you've said is for real then they've messed up and I'm really sorry for your DS. No school should succeed in killing off a child's motivation for learning 😔.

When I was a primary school teacher, each term we held year group meetings to discuss what we called the “grey children” — those who might have slipped under the radar or missed out on recognition. We would then create plans to ensure every child felt seen and valued. So I completely understand how easily this can happen.
What is your son’s personality like?
It sounds like it might be time to focus on rebuilding his self-esteem and helping him develop a sense of motivation that comes from within. A key shift here is moving from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation.

• Extrinsic motivation comes from external rewards such as praise, certificates, or recognition.
• Intrinsic motivation comes from within — it’s when we do something because we enjoy it or find it meaningful.

Encourage activities outside of school that make him feel good about himself — hobbies, sports, or creative interests where he can build confidence and find joy. Support him in forming friendships beyond the classroom too. Try to praise his effort, attitude, and perseverance rather than just outcomes. For instance, when he faces a challenge, help him say things like, “That was tough, but I didn’t give up.” This teaches him to recognise his own strengths and resilience, rather than relying solely on external validation. Your son may currently be seeking external recognition that he feels he’s not receiving, so the goal is to nurture his intrinsic motivation and sense of self-worth. Help him understand that while teachers play an important role, they are just one part of his journey — and their attention or approval doesn’t define his value. This doesn’t mean being dismissive of teachers, but gently helping him see that things change and that his own self-belief is what matters most. You also mentioned your own childhood experiences, and I think it’s really valuable to reflect on how those memories might be shaping your response now. I completely relate — as someone who was often quiet and overlooked at school, I know how deeply that can stay with you and how strongly it can influence the way we want to protect our own children. It might also be helpful to reach out to his teacher. You could write a short, calm email expressing concern for your son’s emotional wellbeing and confidence, mentioning that you’ve noticed a recent dip. Keep the focus on his wellbeing rather than on recognition or attention from the teacher. This approach keeps the conversation constructive and centred on support.