Absolutely furious with son's school.

[ThisMerryCat]

Hello, I have a ten year old son, and my primary school has been noticeably bad at even acknowledging he exists. He turns up almost every day, except when the stomach bugs are circling, yet is conveniently overlooked for attendance awards (over 85% attendance is eligible for an award), is never given a speaking role in any of the assemblies or productions, is never chosen for tasks, such as getting equipment from another school, was heartbroken when he wasn't picked for the sports teams, and not given any academic awards, despite the teacher telling me in the last parents' evening that he is in the top 25% of the class. I complained about this last year, when he was repeatedly in tears at home, yet nothing was done, and I have learnt over the weekend it is getting worse. My son told me the teacher doesn't even answer his questions, instead merely stares, and doesn't let him answer questions when his hand is clearly raised. I would get him into clubs, but we have very little money at the moment, and I have discovered his friends, who did make the teams, are drifting away from him. I feel like doing what my mother-in-law describes as 'going full Welsh', but I don't know what else to do. I am very worried for my son, as my previously confident, happy child, now doesn't want to go into school, and I have caught him looking thoroughly miserable when he thinks I'm not looking. Am I being unreasonable if, especially given my previous complaints, I go into the school demanding they give my son the same attention they give everyone else?

My daughter had a teacher in year 2 who ran a system where she chose one child per week whose picture would go on the wall for some noteworthy action. By the end of the year, 28 of the 30 children had been featured, some more than once. I only discovered this wall on the last week of term when parents were invited in to view the children's work. When I asked the teacher why my daughter wasn't there, she told me she never did anything special.

I was astounded. The children featured weren't doing anything particularly special. My daughter was a gifted dancer - the idea she couldn't have found some way of putting her on that wall was ridiculous.

My daughter is adopted and had significant sen. The boy who wasn't featured had a teenage mother. I am convinced the teacher was just profiling them (it was a very middle class school).

It was very unpleasant. I spoke to the head, who agreed with me that it was unacceptable, but it was too late to fix.

I'm sorry you are having this too.

My daughter is an adult now and still remembers.

Yep, the OP absolutely is.
Ready to go in all guns blazing without actually knowing what really happens in class.

OP do you really, truly believe that the teacher just stares at your child instead of answering? Why would they continually blank a particular student?
They wouldn't. It doesn't even make sense.
By all means speak to the school and express your concerns about your son, but try thinking rationally like an adult before you roll in with the accusations.

Some other teachers have given good measured answers here, but I want to say I am sick and tired of this type of parental response.
Totally fed up of "furious " parents " kicking off" coming in "on the bounce" going " full Welsh/whatever " without stopping to think if maybe, just maybe, the professional adult in the situation actually has a more reasonable account???

Op, I am hoping you’re just using emotive language on here to vent, because if you really think like this, you’d be doing him more harm than good, your son is not actively mistreated , but I get being emotional about it.

He seems very focused on being picked for stuff. To the extent he doesn’t want to go and is miserable, whuch is quite extreme.

Does he perceive it’s the popular kids who are picked and he isn’t one of the popular kids in his head, so this would be a way to be one? You say last year he was in tears at home,you complained to school now his friends are drifting away from him. Do you see how he interacts with his peers? They will be drifting for other reasons, not because he isn’t picked, I think you know this deep down.

could this be, he is struggling with friendships and thinks getting picked will resolve that. It won’t. So maybe try to work out what problem he is trying to resolve. If it is a lack of friendships, that is making him not want to go to school, and making him miserable, focusing on getting picked for stuff won’t make kids be friends with him, so I’d try to gently talk about his interactions, explore that more and school him in friendships.

At primary school, everyone who wants to have a go should get a chance to represent the school on a sports team. Rotate the players, give everyone a turn. Make a C team if you have to. It’s not the bloody World Cup.

And pick/adapt plays so everyone who wants to can have a line. Honestly, it’s not that hard.

Innkeeper 1: No room at the inn!
Inkeeper 2: Sorry mate, no room here either.
Innkeeper 3: All booked up here.

etc.

Hi @ThisMerryCat Your care and concern for your son is obvious. I’m sorry your own parents’ treatment of you was poor and can understand how this would make a parent even more fiercely protective of their child. I don’t think the previous poster was suggesting you tell your son that he is worthless, however, but focusing on all the good that parenting can do.

As your son has been in tears, this is clearly really bothering him - as well as the school situation, I do also wonder if there’s anything else upsetting him, e.g. with friendship groups, as sometimes multiple issues come to a head and overwhelm a child. It could just be that he’s been very unlucky in his school and teachers, of course. Either way, I think this is worth a bit more digging as well as flagging to the school so his teacher can make practical changes to help him.

I agree with the poster who suggested approaching the school by saying you want to work with them to make things better for your son. Flag you concerns as part of that but perhaps frame it as wanting to work together. Lots of school systems do create focus on the brightest and those with most challenges, and the ‘middle’ can feel lost, but a good teacher absolutely should not be overlooking him during class discussions and should be building a strong relationship with all their students, especially in primary. Most teachers, if this was flagged to them, would be upset to learn a child felt this way and do their utmost to correct it. If you do then feel that things don’t improve, you have taken a very constructive approach and have grounds to go down a complaint route if you wish to.

ETA: Just seen @Frenchfrychic ’s post and am inclined to agree with that. I would definitely be looking beneath the surface and speaking to staff about possible wider reasons for how your son is feeling.

I agree with this ^ It’s unlikely the teacher purposely blanked him. For a start, another child would tell her! She was probably thinking about something else, or formulating an answer to him. Or, quite likely, he was one of a number of children asking a question and she didn’t hear him.

Go in with a neutral tone. Focus on your son’s upset and try to get their side of these events, eg re the attendance award, the ‘blanking’. Sometimes children misread situations, especially when they’re feeling upset or unconfident.

And this is what usually happens. Scripts are often chopped up so much so that every child gets one line at least. Yes some children will get more, and also some children refuse to say anything. We don't know whether the OPs son has had chances but has potentially turned them down. I worked in a class where the child the teachers chose to play Joseph in the Nativity cried when they heard and didn't want to do it so another child got the role instead.
Like I also said, as they get older the main roles are given through children auditioning for parts. If the OPs sons school does this and he doesn't do it (but perhaps leaves that detail out when telling his mum he hasn't been given a role) then he will miss out.

Looking at some of the gibberish user names you have quoted it seems that trolls have invaded your thread so try not to take them to heart.

A lot of good advice here.
However, when I was young I was a very plain girl with round glasses. One day I overheard a teacher pointing out to another, that I had 'wonderful colour'. 70 years later I remember that comment. I felt so happy to be acknowledged.
It is the little things that matter to children.
Mum is correct, something is happening to change her son'view of school.BUT please be calm before you raise anything. Would it be better to raise it with the Head teacher, and ask for feedback be given to you.
There are some occasions where teachers are completely unaware of their affect on pupils .

I feel for you OP. My younger kids old school was like this. My middle child although well behaved, hard working and academic got no recognition at all in his last school ever. His confidence was at rock bottom.

He actually told me at one point it didn't matter how hard he worked or how good he was as he would never get an award or even noticed. He was only 8 at the time and realised that the favourite kids got all the praise and rewards (his last school was atrocious for that and the favourites were generally terribly behaved because they got away with it).

We had loads of issues in that school and i ended up moving him. His new school is fantastic and the children all get praised etc. Sometimes its just poor teaching or a genuine oversight but sometimes its sheer favouritism. However its horrible for the child not noticed or never praised or awarded.

Holy shit that is unjustifiable.

I would hope someone working in a school would have better reading and comprehension skills.

I understand its disappointing for your child when they feel unseen or not valued. My own DD was a model student in primary- top sets for everything, polite, well mannered, well liked, and I received amazing feedback every single parents night & report card, and she never won a single award. On their leavers day there were children who had won 3 or 4 different awards and had to keep going back up whilst a lot just sat at the side watching. It didn't seem particularly fair, but I don't think teachers can please everyone. My DD fortunately has a hobby she does incredibly well in & that boosts her self esteem. I think absolutely have a conversation with the teacher regarding him feeling overlooked & forgotten, I'm sure they will want to help. I would also find more ways to boost his self esteem at home so he knows his value isn't tied into 'achievements' within school. My DD has started high school now & has already had a few certificates of achievment since September- now that shes in a different environment with new eyes on her she seems to be flying, so your son may be the same next year with a new teacher.

When I went to high school I began to struggle with depression and SEN issues. I slowly withdrew from friendship groups and lost my personality. My teachers acted like I didn't exist. They didn't acknowledge me. Eventually a head pulled me aside to talk to me and when I told him how depressed I was he gave me a bollocking about my behaviour then sent a letter home to say I was being shit. It still bothers me to this day, I would love to give those teachers a real mouthful.

Could something similar be happening with him? He is potentially struggling in an area and that is affecting the other aspects of his school life? I only ask as you say his friendships are suffering too.

You are just being silly now OP and will do your son no favours with that sort of drama.

Can we get some facts please:

• Is your son good enough for the sports teams - good enough to get in ahead of those who have been selected?

• At what level are academic prizes awarded? Being in the top quartile is usually not good enough.

• Have other children with the same level of attendance as your child been awarded attendance prizes?

I’m a very middle of the road person. So are our children and family. Neither good enough at any particular thing to receive an award nor bad enough at sport, academia nor behaviour to receive any special attention. Sounds like your son is middle of the road like we are. Good place to be. However, no special attention is afforded the middle of the road. It’s just the way life is. Some find their niche later in life and excel. Others remain middle of the road. Some (like my family) are happy to remain middle of the road but others find it hard.

I can see your frustration but it’s a life lesson like everything. Sounds like he needs your support with coping strategies and managing his expectations more than any anger.

Another post which explains why teachers are leaving in droves

Because they're being asked to do their job properly? Then they probably should leave. There's no way this would be acceptable in my school - we have to show how we are encouraging ALL the children. Even if you have to dig reaaaaalllllly deep to find something to praise them for. At primary level this shouldn't be up for debate.

Cool. He still wouldn’t get an attendance award at our primary school as it sounds like he’s been off multiple times. How attendance can be “almost perfect” but with what appears to be multiple periods of absence I have no idea.

As for the rest of it…already covered it.

So are you saying anyone with over 85% attendance gets an award but your son has over 85% attendance and did not get an award ?

Being off for a few days at this time of year, when vomiting bugs are around, does not equal being off multiple times. I make sure he's in when other parents would not, such as when he has a heavy cold, but I draw the line at sending a child in when they may vomit.

Sadly, quite often what happens is the adult is the better liar.

Then the school will have to answer for the psychological damage they have caused.

He is in the top 1/4.

What could that possibly be?

Im a primary teacher and I think this is all being taken the wrong way.

I believe he feels like this. Perhaps he is a quieter soul or maybe someone who seems happy plodding on, but isn't on the inside, maybe he's in a class that has huge characters and he feels a bit boring in comparison. What do they say he is like on a personal level? Do they know him well?

I would speak to the teacher about your son's self esteem and that you are really worried.

I'm surprised he is so upset by all this, usually by now they're more wrapped up in their friends and each other. Does he have close friends?

I think it's important for you to remember that this is about how he sees himself in the long term. A certificate isn't going to fix his self esteem or self worth any more than buying a new pair of shoes or getting our nails done fixes ours in the long term. Focus on that rather than tokenistic things the school could do, it won't help.