To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

Had a local girl once they got home from school for things like doctor/coil fitting. Otherwise I get nothing done. My sister never went out when hers young 3 boys.

In our area you can't even find many childminders because everyone seems to have grandparents/family/friends or really flexible jobs.

When I mentioned a babysitting circle it was met with crickets because no one else needed it. This was before we even knew of my middle ones additional needs so it wasn't even that putting anyone off which I can understand.

There are no local teens babysitting or neighbours that would offer. Plus now we are aware one of my children has additional needs we would want someone with experience. Potentially more like a nanny so that's more expensive. Makes going out for a meal very expensive before you've left the door. I'd want to do some ramp up visits so the children would get use to the person so that would be more expense. We just couldn't afford it. So we just don't go out much at all.

It's certainly not super easy to just find a babysitter. It might become easy when it's established but it's not something that requires minimal thinking about.

This is weird. The idea that a babysitter is either a close family member, or a stranger.

We live miles away from any family members. When we had babysitters they were sometimes the twin teenage daughters of a close friend, or one of my friends who also had small children. We helped each other out and that was very common in my circle, mums helping each other out on a not for pay, reciprocal basis.

I may need to expand my offerings in that case. Might be worth the train fare 😂

or one of my friends who also had small children this is what I am often faintly kind of amused by. Fair enough if no one in your circle has extended family to help but if they do, they don’t need a reciprocal arrangement and so it’s just a pain for them because they also have small children!

I used to use Sitters when my children were small (from about six months) but I never had a sitter for more than four hours at a time (so from 7 to 11). It meant going out was far more expensive and I remember being cross with a friend who cancelled on me with three hours’ notice because I still had to fork out for the sitter (we went out anyway).

I do remember having people ask on the school WhatsApp whether anyone knew a sitter and then having them tell me that they wouldn’t want to use an agency. Which is fine - but I didn’t have any other suggestions.

The OP’s references to “overnights” makes me think that she is being asked to things by people who are at a different life stage.

Why? Our babysitters are fine to deal with a child who wakes up.

Actually we never had the babysitter arrive after they were in bed because we wanted to make sure our children were fully aware of the babysitter so they wouldn't be upset to come downstairs and find someone unexpected

I have felt this too! Usually at childfree weddings of cousins etc where my mum (the only support I have) is also a wedding guest so I have literally no one to ask. My child has SEN and I can’t just leave him with a babysitter (I guess I COULD but it would be a shitshow)

Are you in a really posh area?

We are in London too and babysitters (nursery workers not teens) charged us £10/hr when we first got babysitters 8-9 years ago, it's now gone up to £13-4. I pay what the babysitter suggests, I am not cheaping out!

Do you have a nursery nurse college course near you?

younger students there may be glad of money and willing to help out. Maybe get in touch with college…

I say this because I had bad PND with my first. Someone suggested I tried to get a placement student in for a period of time following birth of my second to help prevent a repeat of PND. (Part of a series of things I changed second time around). College were looking for placements, visited and interviewed me. Net readout is I had a lovely very competent nanny come in 3 days a week for a term and was a real blessing.

so, worth asking colleges …and they’ll be all be checked of course.

o

@Ticklyoctopus We just never left them overnight until they were older. I think that’s pretty common

Plus the cost - £12 an hour plus taxi back. so even something like theatre is easily £50.

Have you looked on the childcare.co.uk? I’ve never had to use anyone from there as we got a recommendation from a friend of someone they had used, but when I’ve looked in the past there are nursery staff/ childminders / registered Nannie’s also offering evening babysitting. It shows whether they have a DBS and you can of course ask them for references. It is tough when they’re little and your network isn’t that wide. Now mine are older and I have friends amongst their school friend’s parents, we often babysit for each other.

Another one here who used babysitters (and secretly eyeroll when people have all sorts of excuses for not using sitters, and suspect it is just because they don’t want to pay)

To answer OP’s question: none of us have family in this country, so no help on a family basis whatsoever.
From 18mo I hired babysitters: au-pairs/nannies working for friends of mine, someone recommended by a neighbour on my street whatsapp, people recommended by parents at nursery.

Are you looking for babysitting as in a couple of hours while the kids are asleep and you go for dink or the cinema etc or someone to look after them for evening through the night and into next morning?
For the former, teenagers are often used around here, the latter it would usually be family, nursery staff etc

Really just here to send you a massive hug 🫂 OP.
My mum is our only babysitter and she is 300 miles away! She's amazing and does her absolute best to visit as often as she can (she prefers to come to us rather than have us come to her as she lives in a small bungalow) but we only get to have an evening out when she is visiting so just a handful of times a year and very often friends have said "just get a babysitter" but leaving my infant DD at home with a kindly stranger just felt too much to me. If something happened I'd never forgive myself.

Now that our DD and her peers are approaching 3 y/o, a couple of my close mum friends and I are tentatively talking about babysitting for each other, but the kids are so little and mixed sleep needs, it is a really big step for all of us, both as parents and as would-be sitters!

You’re actually better off them coming before they go to bed. It’s pretty terrifying for a child to go to bed with one adult in the house and wake up with another. I’ve babysat for a friend’s toddler a few times and he goes to bed no problem at all for me (you’d be surprised - even the difficult ones act differently for other adults at bedtime, and childcare professionals especially are very used to getting children to bed). But the one time I babysat after he was already asleep and he woke up, he was not a happy bunny bless him.

We have twins. NO ONE other than my mother was willing to babysit them when they were under 4yrs old. They were completely terrified by the idea. No one ever offered, and every one always regrettably said no, they couldn't handle it. We did once get one of the young women from their nursery to babysit on the side, but she was £17p/h (quite rightly, she was qualified to a high standard), so it wasn't something we could afford very often.

It might be difficult at first, but then as you get to know people you'll find reliable sitters.

Our neighbours moved in whilst she was pregnant with their first child. They've found babysitters and I've looked after their toddler a couple of times when they've been stuck. It's been fine.

Our baby group friends plan nights out where they all get the grandparents in to look after the little ones. Meanwhile we have no local family and my baby won't go down for their dad even.

I know what you mean op. To me this seems like an alien sort of thing to do and big expense just to go out for a meal with your husband for a simple meal. Lots of people do though. Lots of people on here also put their kids in residential camps so they can go on holiday. That would also be strange to me

I agree OP. Whenever I see this response on here I just think.. who?? What “babysitter”. I’m lucky to have very supportive parents who regularly mind our young children but if they weren’t able to I can’t think of a single person we could get. I’m not totally opposed to using an agency but I think my 2 year old would be! and the stress of his reaction to me leaving him with effectively a stranger would make the whole thing not worth it.

Babysitter getting up with them in the night? Eh?

Lived abroad for years. If we hadn’t had a babysitter we would never have gone out.

Some people can't afford it, either. I worked with a manager who used to be very down on mums/dads needing to know their rotas to arrange childcare; she had grandparents aunts and cousins willing and able to help-and earned a lot so could afford to pay for nursery that suited her and her partner's hours.
Lucky them, but it was sad that she had no sympathy for people who had no family to help/little spare money for paid childcare, so really wanted to know their hours way in advance to get organised.
It's easy for some, not for others, depending on family/money/whether our child has additional needs etc. Ignore people who say just to get a babysitter if it's not easy for you.