To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

I think the thing is some people think it’s just

sit in a house
children are there and play / watch tv
or sleep

that’s it

and for older children there’s some truth in that assuming no special needs etc. For toddlers it isn’t.

Because some people have shit/selfish relatives who were oh so happy to take any offer of help when you were a child and would get shipped off to grandma’s for the night but then when you grew up and had kids suddenly they had “done their child rearing” and don’t want to babysit.

What I wouldn’t give to have my kids grandparents WANT to be involved and offer the same help they got as parents to young children, but it’s very typical of their generation from what I’ve found both online and amongst people my age struggling with the same.

As a result, I just don’t go out or have any time for myself because I wouldn’t just hire some random to watch my kids either, and that’s perfectly reasonable, not everyone is comfortable with that.

I’m sure I’ll get peoples backs up with my comment, but if the shoe fits…
I never read responses anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

Try having a sen child OP, where anyone who looks after them needs to be specially trained and experienced, and even agencies who supply babysitters everyday don’t have these staff available.
Yes you COULD get a babysitter, and there are people who do this kind of work who are DBS trained and reliable and safe.
I agree having a stranger come in isn’t ideal at all but you DO have that choice, trying to argue you don’t is ridiculous.

I think everyone who is having/has children should have a few people who aren’t friends/family that they can rely on.

There are great websites out there like childcare.co.uk or using local facebook groups for Nanny’s etc. Find a few that you gel with, get references, check their DBS and build a relationship with them.

Having people you can rely on and trust is worth its weight in gold and if you’re paying someone you’re less likely to feel guilty about asking them to help out and it’s also great to have those people to ask in emergencies etc.

I think you need not over stress and get a babysitter . Ask in the neighbourhood what’s app group or check bubble. Try them a couple of times when you are there, have a camera for the first times with telling them of course. We used a babysitter first time when my baby was 3 month old. The first time was only for 3 hours and I told her not to change his nappy. She had good referrals and the baby was happy every time to see her.

Must depend on the nursery because it's very popular at DC's nursery. Our go to babysitter if Grandparents are unavailable is nursery staff and they usually snap it up.

Of course we had babysitters? My mother lived nearby but was unreliable. We had a lovely Brazilian woman who I am still friends with 30 years later.

Not least, you've just doubled the cost of the evening out.

When I was with my ex, we just used to take the kids, issue them with ipads/headphones and have our nice dinner with them there. Of course I'm sure that's terrible too in lots of people's opinions.

Had one nice school mam the playdates gave us both a break. She had mine odd overnight. Very decent. She said it must be hard with zero help. It is. Girls 20 now!! Some mams wont take kids feel their own enough. I respect that. God its hard though

There is quite a difference between a few hours babysitting in the evening and leaving a baby overnight. I’m sure lots of people have used the former, and fewer people have trusted strangers to do the latter.

I would trust some of the people in my community above family members with the welfare and safety of my kids, and yes, that does include paid babysitters who we have developed a relationship with over time and who my children like and trust.

Well, it might depend where you live

Yes, I did occasionally use a babysitter from an agency, a stranger with a DBS and first aid certificate.
The vast majority of occasions though it was someone's student aged daughter, or someone's childminder.

I'm in the SE, commuter belt. I'm gobsmacked that a teenager was getting £15 an hour a decade ago! She was very fortunate.

Most toddlers will be in bed, though, before the parents go out.

I remember people taking it personally when I wouldn’t come out after they’d suggested “just get a babysitter!” Usually childless people

I hear you OP- it pisses me off too. Both my parents died when I had my kids (well my dad died a couple years after but was very unwell so unable to help). I am an only child and so were my parents, so I have no siblings, no cousins, no aunts or uncles to help.

DH's family lived on another continent so no help there either.

I have friends but one of them has 6 children and the other has a son with severe LD, another lives 3 hours away so I couldnt really ask any of them to assist as it simply wasnt practical or they didnt have the capacity to help me which i completely understood.

I did not feel comfortable leaving my children with a complete stranger. If others do then good for them but I did not. I think people who have helpful families really take that help for granted and dont realise how hard it is when you dont have that family back up

We've hired a baby sitter once for the night of our wedding and it cost a fortune. Not something we can afford on top of a night out . A friend took care of our eldest when I went into labour early with the youngest but that friend is definitely not interested in regular childcare and my other friends all have their own kids and their families to help out. We are just resigned to the fact that going out isn't going to happen for us and theres not much we can do. We are at least fortunate that my one friend will help in an emergency

Yanbu. Most commonly it is just not affordable for a lot of families nowadays.

That’s fine if you can pretty much guarantee they won’t wake but if they do, or there’s a fair likelihood, then that’s different.

Yes- the cost is also a factor too. Not many people can afford to pay out for a night out and a babysitter on a very regular basis (especially if you work and are already paying for nursey fees which were like paying another mortgage for us)

I’m in London. That was the going rate.

I wouldn't leave my kids with some rando I found online either. Now they are older my neighbour's teenager is OK to watch them.

I get you OP. We just never went out when the kids were young

Yes. I was paying £15 and hour, in London a decade ago.
It did mean going out cost us. So not a luxury for everyone.

I was amused, when I was pregnant by the fact 3 acquaintances, seeing I was pregnant, promptly and gleefully gave me their student aged daughters' phone numbers...so that I would have them and call when the need for a babysitter arose. Those mothers spotted the commercial opportunity!