To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

Yabu.

We have found 3 local childminders and we use them for our children on a regular basis at evenings amd the odd weekend. We kedp them in rotstion so our 1 and 3 yr old stay familiarised with them.

These are experienced trusted reaponsible women who are "known" both via each other and other parents we know.

Its hard when you dont gave family help but you either accept the status quo or you have to get creative and find solutions.

It is also difficult to be a babysitter, as children often make up things, and the child is always believed by the parents.

I babysat a toddler for two years when I was a teenager. I loved it.

When I was in my twenties I was working in a school in Spain. I decided to do babysitting on the side. I looked after two little girls after school until their parents got home.

The parents had told me that the children must eat a healthy meal. That the children must not eat any snacks.

One afternoon, I was babysitting and one of the children went up and grabbed a chocolate bar from the cupboard. I told her "you can't have that as you need to have your nice dinner". I didnt raise my voice. Hand on heart, I did not shout. I never shout at anyone. I have a quiet voice.

Thw child told her mother that I screamed and shouted at her about it. Ths mother got rid of me the next day. I don't blame the child. Children's brains are not developed and they exaggerate. I blame the mum for not even asking me what happened.

I haven't babysat since then, as I don't think it is worth the risk

I know what you mean op. Yes, you can get a babysitter but they aren’t always someone you would be 100% happy with looking after very young children. We have grandparents close by and it’s very easy to forget what a luxury that is.

What used to annoy me is non-local childfree wedding invites, where they would be like "this is a childfree wedding - you can enjoy a night off!" No we can't!! We literally have no one who is able to look after our kids. And not paying in excess of £100 for a day long babysitter.
It's the assumption that it's easy to go without kids which used to really annoy me, dressed up as a benefit to us. Always of course from either child free couples, or those who have available help.

I have lots of help if needed but yes I don't like "get a babysitter".

See also "learn to drive" when someone can't- of course that's the obvious solution but at £35/hour for a lesson and the absolute shambles that is getting a test slot, even before you factor in paying for a car, running costs, insurance etc ...

I have in laws and siblings who can look after children for me every so often. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that option to be honest because I really do feel uncomfortable with basically a stranger looking after my children when they are young. They don't go to nursery either so they wouldn't have an established relationship with any other adults.

It would depend on how my relationship was with my husband. If our relationship was suffering and risked breaking down then I'd "get a babysitter" but if it was just a bit shit for us and we could tolerate it for a few years then I wouldn't.

I know what you mean. We are very lucky to have both sets of grandparents who love to babysit, whether it’s for an hour or overnight- whatever we need!
December is a really busy social time, and we’ve already got my partners parents doing an overnight for us one weekend, and my parents doing an overnight for us another weekend, to allow us to go to festive meals/drinking events with our friends and our work Christmas dos (they both fall on the same night, typically!). Alongside these overnights, there’s a couple of weeknights where we’ve asked for a couple of hours for various events. We are aware how lucky we are to have this, but we don’t want to take advantage.
A few days ago a friend messaged asking if my partner and I would like to go and stay at hers on a December weekend, along with other friends and have a festive night in, games, food, quizzes etc. She lives a two and a half hour drive away. We regretfully declined, just saying we already are using our grandparents a fair bit through December for babysitting and don’t want to take advantage and ask for another overnight. She just replied by saying “it’s worth asking though isn’t it!” and I just feel like…argh! We know they’d say yes but don’t want to take the piss, and also they have their own lives and Christmas social plans too!

I agree with you @Ticklyoctopus

It really isn’t practical in the majority of cases. If my DD(2) woke up in the evening and I wasn’t there she’d be frightened and I don’t think anyone who isn’t me would be able to settle her; even DH can’t.

It isn’t forever and next year we’ll be in a different place but right now it is how it is.

Lol. So you've got masses of childcare on tap and had to turn down one event. Not really what OP means at all. Goodness sake.

I always got local teens for evening babysitting - usually they were asleep. We didn’t leave them overnight or during the day unless we travelled to relatives who could look after them (sleepovers with cousins etc) or when relatives stayed with us.

When my DDs were little my parents lived abroad for 8 months of the year so while they were always happy to babysit when they were in this country it didn't help most of the time. ILs were local but refused to babysit. So generally we didn't go out.
We would sometimes take a day off work when they were at nursery and go out for the day.
Now we have even less family to rely on. Our 5 year old has severe special needs so babysitters aren't an option. Luckily our DDs are 17 and 19 now so can look after him if we do go out.
But I agree OP, it's crap it's rubbish if you don't have family help and I didn't want a stranger looking after my children.(especially a non verbal 5 year old who's still in nappies).

'get up with them in the night etc'

that is not a babysitter tho, that's Au Pair / Mother's help / Nanny / Maternity Nurse, usually living in or you are paying a lot more if you want an over nighter.

I had no family help ever. I had various babysitters either found through Nursery / School or a couple of babysitting agencies.

I get it OP. My kids are older now but it seemed all our friends had grandparents who would babysit at the drop of a hat, even for a few days if the parents fancied a fun or romantic trip away. We had no grandparental help.

We were nervous about using an agency and preferred to get someone recommended personally or that we knew ie nursery staff. But it wasn't straightforward. The good ones are in demand at the weekends, sometimes we'd have a good run with one then she'd go off to uni and it was back to the drawing board. The nursery ones were really unreliable and would cancel with barely any notice or not turn up! It was also eyewateringly expensive - we were quite hard up in those days - and spending 50 quid before stepping out of the front door was painful. Then add on the cost of a taxi home for babysitter or some of them weren't allowed to get taxis as their parents didn't think it was safe so one of us would have to forgo a glass of wine and drive them home. Sometimes an evening would just be getting going and we'd have to up and leave our friends as our time limit was about to expire.

How brilliant it was when our son started going to sleepovers, residential school trips and cub camp - free overnight babysitting, that was a dream! Our other child is 10 years younger so by the time eldest was 14 he babysat for her for a modest/fair fee which was also excellent until he selfishly went off to uni (only joking!!!)

I'm genuinely happy for those who have grandparents on tap for childcare but if agree, a lot of them don't have a clue how tricky it can be for the rest of us.

Why does it have to be a virtual stranger. What about neighbours. People from clubs that you know?

Yes this always makes me laugh also. It’s normally two nights away as well (rehearsal dinner, then day after wedding brunch) and so about £500 accommodation at the venue. Babysitting with a proper childcare worker would be another £550+, add in train fares, drinks, I don’t know if they realise they’re asking people to spend well in excess of £1k on their wedding ‘for a break/treat’.

Would never have occurred to me to ask a neighbour, knew hardly anything about them. I’d be gobsmacked if a neighbour asked me too, as well.

I agree. I don't want someone I don't know as a babysitter. Plus my three year old is hard work.

@Ticklyoctopus I understand what you mean. I didn’t use babysitters until our children were out of nappies and were talking clearly. If we were invited to anything when our DC were babies, only one of us would go.

Same! We know our to say a friendly hello to, and take parcels for, but I wouldn’t dream of asking them to babysit my kids.

I haven’t read even page two of the thread and I’m waiting for the “we lived 3000 miles from family and built out own village blah blah “ in real life most people have help from their normal families who actually offer to help the odd time . I mean imagine me asking my friends to watch my 3 dcs while my husband and I go out or go away for the night ,I’d 💯 be called a cf!!
Honestly where I live family support is such a normal part of the culture , I’m an absolute freak that my family are the most completely hands off family around , not even post surgery would they help with 3 really small kids.. but I got loads of lovely messages which were of course were so helpful….
I totally hear you @Ticklyoctopus , my dcs are older now and it’s getting easier but I would never have left small children with a random stranger and the people who casually suggest this probably haven’t either . I’m betting my house on the “we made our own village/support replies “.

Oh god yes, agree with this so much. I hate those invitations which are worded to say "we're giving you the day off to let your hair down". I always feel like saying oh wow, thank you, so you're funding our childcare for the weekend, since that is the only way I'm going to be able to come to a child free wedding. (I don't say that of course.)

We can treat ourselves to a child free weekend any time as long as we pay through the nose for it. A twattily worded invitation doesn't change that. "Giving" me the day off my arse!

We had no family support locally. We used teenage babysitters. They were the children of friends or neighbours, so DC were familiar with them.

In terms of nappy changing we put DC in clean nappies when they went to bed. Babysitter usually arrived after they'd gone to sleep. I don't think the babysitters ever had to do a nappy change.

I agree it's sad, but if I'm being honest I don't feel I have the time or capacity to be anyone else's "village" so I totally accept that this means I have no right to expect a "village" for myself. I have a very demanding job and 2 Autistic DC. The idea of "setting up a network of babysitters with other parents" as has been suggested on this thread might seem like a good idea in theory, but I'm not sure my DC would cope with that set up, even if I did somehow find the time to organise something like that.

Also, in the village I lived in when the DC were small we had a babysitting circle where the Mums babysat for each other. We didn't use it very much as quite often our social activity was in the village and the other parents were also invited! But it was useful sometimes

We never had babysitters.

My family is nowhere close and my husband's family isn't interested. None of my friends have children and it would feel awfully presumptuous to even ask.

If it was an emergency then there are a few people we could ask but it would have to be a desperate situation.