To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

[Ticklyoctopus]

Because the people saying it usually have grandparent help and would never actually let a virtual stranger with just a DBS check actually look after their toddlers, change their nappies, get up with them in the night etc?

It’s just a really frustrating response. I know you can ask nursery staff if they do it, and we have, and I would trust them, but most have small children themselves so understandably decline. My friends have small kids themselves, and my few local childfree relatives just really aren’t the kind of people you would trust to watch a toddler even for 20 minutes.

AIBU to think ‘get a babysitter’ just isn’t practical in many cases?

We got a trusted Childminder for a night away and it was 250 euros , 10 euros per hour (which is hardly a crazy amount to pay someone for minding three kids over 24 hours ) but 250 euros and that’s before you spend any other money . So a night away for us could be more than 500 , easily!!!

This is where people with help really don’t have a clue , it’s a different world @Ticklyoctopus . I really empathise, my inlaws actually cause work (zero help and there’s also mental health problems) and my family find my kids “too much “ with me being there …. That’s the reality we have . I will say now our kids are getting older we so appreciate any time we get ! It’s such a huge difference, the fact that I can leave my eldest to mind the other two for an hour (not expecting my dc to help us, I pay him and make sure he is ok about it 💯) is monumental to me now as we’ve had no help.
Unfortunately it’s a vicious cycle as I am now completely disinclined to help my aging inlaws or any of my family who now have small kids 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely with you on this, OP. I’m sure it’s worse in some areas than others. If we want to go out then we have to arrange for family to come over from 100+ miles away. I once tried to get a babysitter for a family wedding, but despite asking every single nursery worker in the area failed miserably.

I wondered the same thing as OP, I am not okay with anyone changing my child- especially when my child isn’t able to verbally tell me if someone has been inappropriate. I do not trust people to have that kind of access to my child

I think you're being a bit shortsighted here. Of course many, many people use babysitters. That is evident from the number of babysitting agencies/babysitters available. It isn't some sort of myth dreamt up by people who only use Grandparents for babysitting. It's a widely available service used by thousand and thousands of parents everyday.

If that's not something that works for you, that's fine, don't use a babysitter. To say its not a practical solution to the problem of needing a babysitter just because it doesn't work for you is ridiculous (and very solipsistic).

You're not alone though, this comes up quite frequently on Mumsnet and always with the same arguement 'I can't leave my baby with a stanger and I don't know any babysitters'! It's as if they've forgotten what the process is that takes someone from stranger to trusted person...it's usually called 'getting to know someone'. For a babysitter, this can involve chatting with them (interviewing them), checking references and spending time with them/watching them spend time with your child.

I think deep down you know this. You know that the two options aren't leave your child with a stanger after no more than checking for a DBS or never going out again until your child is a teenager. With a little bit of common sense and foresight you can grow your own trusted babysitter. There are some families who are happy to leave their child with a vetted stranger, but most require some getting to know the babysitter.

I'm a nanny and also babysit. One of the families I babysit for I met when their child was ten weeks old. Neither of them are from the UK and they have no family here and no friends to ask. They knew they didn't want to never have a night out again so they set out to find themselves a few regular babysitters that they could build trust with. They advertised on a childcare website, then interviewed me and checked my DBS, First Aid qualification and references. Then we started to get to know each other. Slowly, slowly. The first time I babysat was about four weeks after meeting them, they went to the the pub at the end of the road for an hour. Ten years later and I still babysit for them, including covering full weekends. They have a couple of other regulars who they met via the childcare website or friends that I've recommended to them.

If it's not for you that's fine, but this faux 'all babysitters are strangers and we can't possibly change that', woe is me attitude, is tiresome.

people who work at nurseries and pre school are often willing to act as babysitters. Once my eldest started school, we used a TA and now my youngest is school age, we use her teenage daughter! Never had family to babysit.

It's perfectly practical, it's just that you choose not to do it.

We did exactly the same. Never left them overnight though, which is what the OP seems to be referring to

My DC are grown now ,when they were small we used NCT. We took it in turns a rolling list ,You would do the next one. then have credits to use someone else another Mum .It worked well .Not always the same age children, so would do 10 yr olds and 7 yr olds
while I had a 2 yr old and 5 yr old.All good .Can you join that? I am still friends with many now 20 years on! Lots of jolly coffee mornings at home as well .

I get you. I am reluctant to get a baby sitter, although 2 of our neighbours would likely be fine. I am happy with the nursery arrangements but I wouldn't employ any of them to baby sit.

Where do people get all these babysitters for children with disabilities from?
We had our childminder’s teenage kids, but they are now all 18 and moved away.
Agencies have a blanket ban on kids with disabilities, friends are definitely not willing to look after them and/or gave their hands full with their own children!

It's up to you whether you use one or not, but there are some lovely professionals (normally they are day nannies or nursery workers) who do this. They all hold db's and first aid and normally are really happy to come for a meeting first to get to know the kids, learn any routines etc. I didn't leave my son as a toddler for long but for a few hours to go out for dinner or to the cinema we did. He was fine, it's not different to using a childminder or nursery during the day. Equally, it's nobody else's business who you trust or who you want to leave your child with.

Started when DC were at nursery school, so about 2 1/2 and 3 1/2.

Have you tried asking some other mums? I've yet to meet a mum who isn't keen on free babysitting. If they hadn't been keen I'd have asked around until I found some who were. You need a core of about 8-12 mums and ideally ones who aren't best mates, as you don't want people all looking for sitters on the same nights so they can socialise with each other. You could put a notice up a nursery school or within the school year group saying you are looking into starting up a sitter's circle - explain how it works and ask interested mums to reply saying when they are free to sit, when they most need a sitter, how old their DC are etc.

You then create tokens worth one hour each - but suggest double on Friday and Saturday, day care or after midnight. Don't hand out too many to start with - you want people to run out quite quickly so they will sit for others asap to earn some back.

My mum used to do it too, when we were little. I remember she designed the tokens. I thought they were really common because when I had DC our village had a sitters' circle too but they seem less usual these days.

We "get a babysitter" for our toddler all the time. No relatives nearby.

We never used babysitters as my parents would look after ours but most of my friends did. Their baby sitters were usually local young people who were recommended. My daughter now babysits for local families.
I really don’t think it’s an issue for an evening out.
I actually don’t know anyone who
had an overnight baby sitter though.

I have local family and they never, never have taken my young dc even once (though the entire family including me supported my siblings’ kids) and keep telling me to hire a babysitter. But I just wouldn’t because I don’t know any tried and trusted ones. That does mean we often have to make plans that involve our kids

All the statistics show that children are most likely to be abused by people they know. How does this fit with your concerns?

If this is also your concern, OP, how do you reconcile it with the statistics?

I still wonder what those who have no child care provision will do in an emergency.

Not having a plan is not fair to DC, and if DC are not used to being cared for by others an emergency is hardly the best time to initiate that

I wouldn't even know how to find a babysitter tbh. I moved to a new area when eldest was a few months old and although I tried to make friends with other mums our schedules never aligned - everyone is working full time (me included), their kids have different after school hobbies in different places and times and they already have strong friendship groups so I never felt able to ask. They don't need babysitting from me (I have offered) because they have their own parents/grandparents nearby and my offers of playdates are school holidays or weekends when their kids are already doing stuff. People are (understandably) busy with their own lives, and the street where I live I rarely see my neighbours (who are by and large retired or with adult children) everyone keeps to themselves here. Even if I knew of a company that provided babysitters with background checks they would still be a stranger to me (& my child) so we've never gone out 🤷‍♀️

What kind of emergency? When DH’s close relatives died I looked after DC so he could go. When my mum died and was dying he did it. If we ever both died then social services would get involved and our trust would kick in.

You find others less paranoid life styles concerning? Ok

Lots of families have 2 parents, v useful in any emergencies

Pedantically a babysitter is ‘someone they know’.

People like to trot out this statistic and so they should but why it’s coming out here as an argument for using babysitters is odd because the more people you expose your child to, especially if intimate care is part of that, the more the risk rises.

I was thinking more of an acute emergency for a member of your household. It really can happen to anyone at any time.

I don’t want to be ghoulish; you can think of examples involving DH, yourself or, god forbid, a DC and the chance to spend important, necessary time with this person in hospital. Other DC very much not wanted/not allowed in the hospital environment.

If you or DH are dying, will you forego goodbyes because you have no child care?

Not always. See above.

That’s a mad argument.