Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

Say whatever you want to say OP. There is no way I would allow this from a SIL with my parents, they would hear it from me but be prepared to be the bad guy and for bad feelings to linger afterwards.

Tbh if he ended up in hospital with infection from one of the children that's when I would have read them the riot act. The lack of consideration is astounding.

Your parents/dad are not coping. If the relationship is based on them always giving its not gna work. Even if they carry on, what they can manage, as they get older will be less and less. The childcare needs to stop. They can either sort it now or kick the can down the road for it to be sorted later.

I’ve said this to them so many times. It impacts the entire family because they’re poorly all winter with the kids coughs and colds which then get passed to the rest of us. They don’t hear it and it’s times like this that I want to explode

I am sorry that your DF is so unwell. It obviously and unsurprisingly is causing you a lot of trauma and stress which you seem not able to rationalise and process but instead redirect and amplify on to your SIL. I would step away from the WhatsApp and just speak to your DF and DM directly as you are being triggered and likely to do or say something destructive in this time of family crisis.

I hope things go well for your DF and I hope that you can find another more healthy and productive outlet for your current distress over his health crisis.

Utter rubbish. What mental load? She has a partner and two grandparents who are picking up the donkey work that plenty of people do alone or have to pay for, She is a spoilt brat who doesn't give a damn about her ailing family members as long as she gets what SHE wants.

I’m really surprised by these replies.

SIL sounds like a massive bitch and posters are falling over themselves to try and place the blame on anyone but her.

Your dad is kind enough to provide her and your DB with free childcare and she can’t even be bothered to say a simple “I hope you’re ok”, “thanks for updating us” etc and then asking about childcare.

Your dad should tell them to fuck off and go and pay someone for childcare but he sounds too nice to do that.
DB needs to tell her to wind her neck in but he is likely just as entitled as her.

The trouble is with people like your SIL people are often too worried to rock the boat and say anything.

I would speak to DB and SIL and say that your dads health isn’t getting any better and they should rethink childcare else they’re going to end up with no one.

In a fair light?

The problem is, the brother and SIL DO need to know about the childcare, the parents have committed to certain days (Friday this week), so if they can't do it they need to let their son or DIL know there is a problem so they can make arrangements.

Yes, health problems trump childcare, but they still need to let them know if they can't do it!

They've told SIL to ask about his health first but when you need to know the answer to the question are these replies really any different:

'Can you still have the kids?'
'Sorry to hear that, I hope you're okay.. can you still have the kids?'

Both sound utterly selfish and devoid of tact, the second one is worse in some ways as it is so obviously faux concern.. I'm not sure there's a polite way of asking, as even the question itself seems unreasonable when they are ill!

If the parents just TOLD them they couldn't have the kids, before or during informing everyone else about the problem, no one would be forced to ASK and any concern asking about their health would be completely genuine.

Stop making her have to ask if you don't like being asked!!

I would absolutely fall out with my sister in law over this. Why do you want to pussyfoot around this selfish cow?

I would send an appropriate response if your father does not.

Nope, say nothing. Your dad is choosing to let her treat him like shit. He is an adult and will have to say something himself, or choose to continue to let her treat him like shit. Not your place to do so and you will definitely cause the entitled madam to have a shrieking shit fit at you if you interfere.

Horrible behaviour on your brother's part, allowing her to treat his parents so badly.

Those of us that have had to manage childcare without immediate family around to help (both sets of grandparents/siblings on different continents) know the gift your parents are giving.

It's not even the savings (which are clearly very helpful), it's the knowledge that someone who loves your kid is looking after them. Your brother and his wife are CFs.

I’m not entirely sure what’s unfair about it lol

Your parents are seemingly competent adults.

They get to make their own choices. Realistically, looking after young children who also go to commercial child care means a bug fest. Most common illnesses are most infectious in the few days before symptoms first appear so if they’re in very regular contact then staying away once ill is pretty meaningless.

(PS. Youve clearly fallen out with her already. You're just attempting to not make it obvious).

I assume you don’t ask your FIL for free childcare though else you’d be a massive hypocrite.

So your situation is nothing like OPs/SILs.

The thing issue knows if they can’t, I’d either stay off work or my brother would just take time off work!

Honestly from your responses you just sound like you are really itching to have a massive go at her.

If you do, just bear in mind that it is unlikely to improve anything and you’ll likely come out of this as the villain- from your SIL for getting involved when your parents haven’t spoken up, from your brother for winding his wife up and from your parents for making the situation worse/ stopping them seeing their beloved grandchildren/ adding to their stress.

Personally I think your efforts would be much better directed at supporting your parents to make some tough choices and trying to get your brother to take a bit of responsibility.

I have the feeling we are not being told the whole story and there is more to this.
Are you aware of previous incidents between your brother's family and your parents that may have triggered this behaviour from your sister-in-law ?

This is the drama triangle in action. A victim, a perpetrator and a rescuer.

Standard pattern of dysfunctional families unable to communicate and assert their needs calmly.

Seemingly the ‘issue’ has been going on for years unaddressed by the DF directly but he is pulling the strings (with his performative weeping) to manipulate his own DD to do his bidding by scapegoating the DIL - seems he is not able to communicate effectively with his own son directly - why is this?

Such an enmeshment and a dynamic that OP would do well to extract herself from.

SIL sounds like a selfish bitch - it’s hard to portray someone in a fair light when that is who they are.

You know the facts - the dad sent a message about his health and instead of asking how he is etc, she simply asked about childcare.

You obviously know that SIL is in the wrong, else you wouldn’t think OP is portraying her in an unfair light when she’s simply stated the facts.

You are.

the precious incident is that he was in hospital last year and she was constantly nagging about childcare without asking how he was. He called her out on this and she called him childish and a bunch of other horrid names.

he has been nothing but good to her. He treats her as if she was one of his children.

Because you called her a cunt?

“Performative weeping”, fuck me

Oh come on! If you believe that you’ll believe anything.

Even if it is true, what he needs to do is say “Ok the kids haven’t seen their grandparents for a month, I’m just going to cancel/ rebook swimming/ trampolining/ kumon this once”, or “Babe, from now I’m taking the kids to my parents every other Friday evening/ Sunday afternoon so please don’t schedule anything in” and stick to it (tell her she’s welcome to come too or chill out at home).

A competent parent wouldn’t use this as an excuse, they’d be straight on the family planner scheduling visits in well in advance.

How condescending

SIL, whilst she does need to know about childcare, is coming across as a really selfish bitch. If I had this message off my MIL (the PILs help with childcare now and again), and my first response was “can you look after xxxx” then my husband would absolutely have a go at me, and call me selfish. I wouldn’t be allowed to (nor do I want to) speak to my in laws the way your SIL speaks to your parents.
It’s hard and it sounds like they’re getting on and tired and it’s so hard looking after young kids.
You have nothing to lose OP. Can you message your brother separately and say SIL was out of order. Your dad is ill, may be having an operation so can’t he appreciate that childcare is something that your parents shouldn’t even be worried about now. That they’re worried if they say no, they won’t be allowed to see them and essentially it feels like they’re being held over a barrel. Say your parents have no idea that you’ve messaged your brother but can’t he see your parents are aging, and your dad is ill and that is what he should be concerned with.

Well it’s not your place to call her out on it. If you do you need to be prepared to be the bad guy and have both you parents and your brother and SIL angry at you. Your dad has already told her how he feels, he can’t change her behaviour but he can modify his, no more rescuing her and the kids, refuse to have them if they are poorly ( as a nursery or childminder would), decide if he is or isn’t able to provide childcare that week.