Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

So I was right. There is some longstanding tensions in play.
And how exactly did your father "call her out" ?

Sure. And if you really knew anything about psychology then you'd know not to draw that sort of conclusion from a few MN posts 😂

I think you’re on the wrong thread or something.

Or perhaps you’ve been watching some armchair psychology on your phone and try and adapt it to fit whatever thread you’re on.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t make sense.

The dad is giving free childcare.
The dad also has ill health.
The dad updates the group chat, like they all would, on his health and hospital visits.
The SIL has not even pretended to care about his declining health and instead only cares about the free childcare.
OP is angered by how someone can be so heartless, especially to someone who is doing them a massive favour.

There is no drama triangle, no performative weeping, no manipulation or scapegoating - these are all unnecessary words that sound like you’ve picked them out of a psychology or counselling book for beginners.
They are not relevant if not used correctly.

Om my god, your DB and SIL are sounding worse and worse. Your poor parents.

your sil sounds utterly awful but please don’t minimise your brothers role in all this, who in my eyes is almost worse. I have no respect for people who sit back and let other people do their dirty work. Why isn’t he the one sorting out different childcare if his parents can’t do it? I’ve got no time for cowards. Whatever you decide to do, and yes I would say something because THEIR behaviour is appalling, but it should absolutely incident your brother.

Ime the more you give the more it's expected and the more they want.
I had dgc from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday tea time.
She then got pregnant with her new bf. Had a termination and couldn't cope with dgc. Had dgc the usual days and she picked him up. Then asked me to have him back. For the rest of the week. I actually worked.. Self employed and could juggle but lost money regularly by her changing her work schedule at short notice. I also had a toddler myself. Sadly I was demoted from dgm and just became her free nanny.

Let her have it.

Is she foreign?

It sounds like you two don't get along at all. Your dad needs to take it up with them if he has an issue with how SIL behaves. She sounds a bit abrupt, but if your dad wants to still do the childcare there isn't a lot you can do, you would be best to keep out of it.
Your brother sounds like a bit of a wimp, or is it that you'd rather blame SIL? They are both benefitting from the free care, not just her. Why isn't he checking the care arrangements rather than just leaving it to her every time? No wonder she's abrupt.

The fact that there is a potential back up plan is quite irrelevant to be honest, it does not mean that back up plan is available to use, for instance your brother may not be able to tell work on Wednesday that he needs Friday off, and you may already have plans on Friday!

The problem here is she is HAVING to ask, because her and your brother aren't being told upfront that your parents can't do it.. they are being told your dad is unwell, forcing them to have to ask, so they can make alternative arrangements.

Then there is a whole bunch of upset about "being asked"!

Do you not think your parents should just tell them if they can't do the childcare they have pre-agreed and let them make arrangements without having to specifically ask them if they can do it or not? Then there would be no asking and no upset about being asked?

I take it you live with your parents, do your parents assume you will do it if they can't? Which is why they leave it so ambiguous on the group chat?

He text after she kept going on about childcare and said he was hurt, he’d appreciate them caring about him a bit more, and that it had left him upset.

she responded with vitriol calling him childish

What do you mean you are right - like you’ve picked something up that OP hadn’t already said?!

It was literally in the OP.

My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

Why not read OPs posts before making a judgment.

There have been issues for the last two years or so - as OP has already said.
You keep asking questions that OP has already answered.

I think she’s a cunt to be honest

Do your parents assume you will do it if they can't? Which is why they leave it so ambiguous on the group chat?

The only way you can avoid falling out with your brother and SIL is by stepping away from this situation @everytimeifall . It's your parents' problem to solve, no one will thank you for getting involved.

This is not an uncommon tale.

I met a lady dog-walking who said that she had looked after her gc full-time for ten years. Now her dil had another baby and gm said she could not manage to start all over again, being 75. The woman was in tears (complete stranger!) telling me that they had gone “no contact” and she had not seen her gc for months.

Stay out of it. It’s not your fight. Worry about your dad’s health not your SIL’s lack of tact. Honestly, no good can come of you getting wound up. Deep breath, go for a walk, call your dad and check in on him.

Poor SIL ‘having to ask’, FFS. Any decent person would be looking at the situation and sorting out alternative long-term childcare whilst still giving GPs the opportunity to see the grandchildren, but not as free nursery.

Whilst doing that, a decent person would be grateful and compassionate towards a family member who helped them so much.

I suspect if SIL took the burden of childcare off your parents she would also be called a c* wouldn’t she?

Your dad is being unclear and unreliable yet expecting SIL to present the children when he wants and if she didn’t she would be depriving him.

Caring for small children brings stress and pressure for those carrying the responsibility and this appears to be SIL.

I don’t know what you see that’s ambiguous. At the time of the message he didn’t know. He was just updating on his health. My brother can work from home if needs be, his work is flexible. There’s literally no issues for her to arrange childcare.

But the “burden” doesn’t fall to her at all. It’s me, my mum or my brother.

This is a good example of two wrongs not making a right.
Why lie? (Anyway it’d be bound to bounce back and bite OP, perhaps with SIL snapping that henceforth OP can fill in any time her poor dad isn't able. Or that she can fund some external childcare!)
If you dishonestly downplay concern about your father’s ill health, OP, it’ll be hard to take it back and treat it sufficiently seriously, I reckon.

That's very ungrateful but why is it always the daughter or daughters in law who have to ask for the help, and then get the blame for any unpleasantness? Where are the sons?

I don't agree with the 'performative weeping' comment btw but the dynamic looks horribly familar to me. So sorry you feel so angry and helpless, I really am. I do agree this is not your battle to have.
You falling out with SIL won't change the dynamic, just you won't see it 'live' any more. It's gutting to read, but if your DF decides to continue because it's his only way to see the kids, he will.
And your brother is letting his wife carry the blame for there being no other relationship with them unless it's transactional.
I really feel for you, and as much as possible I hope you can step back and just love your dad and let this play out. I genuinely think the only one who will suffer if you intervene is you
The drama triangle is what's happening but that doesn't mean everyone knows their part on it, or are being manipulative masterminds.

His moral compass is evidently askew anyway though, he having chosen such a very unpleasant person to love.

Well it’s not your place to call her out on it.

why the fuck not? I honestly don'T get the batshit MN heirarchy of who is allowed to talk to whom. My SIL acts like a cunt to my mum and i tell her to get to fuck and not to speak to my mum like that. My bro is too pathetic to stand up for his own mother but i'm not.

See also: not speaking to feral kids bullying/hitting their own child etc etc.

All OP wants is the SIL not to say "but but what about meeeeeee" when her lovely FIL tells her he's in hospital, but to say something polite and human and with a bit of empathy before bleating on about her free childcare.