Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

I hope your dad is doing well.

Your brother and sister in law are pricks. I'm guessing brother is golden child.

She won’t let him. She stacks their weekend so full of activities that they don’t have any time.

I think your parents need to put some boundaries in place. And I do not believe that they would "never see the boys" if they did. Perhaps yes, temporarily, contact would reduce but I believe that in time your brother and SIL would realise that the relationship with their grandparents is important (once the initial anger has died down) and a new status quo would form.

It sounds like your Dad isn't in a place where he can realistically provide regular reliable childcare with his health problems, so he needs to address this and plan accordingly what he can take on. Don't leave it until things get to crisis point with his health. He could give them notice and say look from the new year I can only do these days / these times and leave it at that.

Have to agree with you, and strongly disagree with those saying the ailing father and no doubt worried mother need to damn well stand up for themselves. Presumably if this were straightforward, they would have done so.
OP’s brother should be ashamed of himself, and be given help in that if it doesn't come naturally.
(I wonder where SIL’s own parents are, and if fairly local, how they managed to escape conscription.)

I really abhor this entitled attitude we observe in so many young parents, taking it for granted that grandparents shall be their childminders, and no excuses ever be permitted, and enforcing compliance with threats about no access to the grandchildren. It all crops up here too often.

Bro asked how he was, SIL asked about childcare. Where's the drama?

Your dad should say in the original message really.

In the thick of trying to work SIL is reliant on your parents by the sound of it - that’s a decision between the adults directly involved - have some compassion for her and the juggling she is probably doing as well as for your dad who wants to do the caring but knows really he isn’t quite up to it.
You could encourage him to understand the pressure sil is under - it must feel precarious to her that she may/may not be able to go to work and she feels obligated to let your parents have the kids because they want them even though they are unintentionally unreliable (here she is making her life much harder than if she used a nursery) and they are good for her kids but she knows she would struggle to get the kids there often to visit and the relationship would suffer if she did not accept this risk. Since your dad wants the kids he needs to know his circs make it hard for her too.

There isn’t a threat that ‘they wouldn’t see the kids otherwise’ because your db would of course make sure they did (would he?) BUT it would be less and different because working families are very pressured for time as well as other resources - this is a sad reality of modern life and does not make SIL a bitch

As for SIL maybe she could be more explicit in her compassion but she knows DB is covering that part and she is likely holding up the sky as they say so let’s your brother take care of that bit.

Best you have compassion for those involved because they all want to do this and it’s hard for all, well possibly not your brother who doesn’t seem to have to make alternative arrangements and only needs to pop a few supportive words in the chat to avoid any flack.

I wonder if you are being made into a flying monkey?

You need to let this go and not bring it up
Your brother is not interested in sticking up for your dad nor is your mum or dad bothered enough/too scared to change things
You're protective as he's unwell and she's being a bitch. It's normal

But you will drive a massive wedge in the family if you dare speak up or call her out. It'll end so badly, trust me! Everyone will turn against you - even your dad and mum! They'll blame you for your sis pulling away and restricting access to their kids.
So just let it go. Rant to your friends and don't get sucked in. Some people like the drama and some people like the role of rescuer/people pleaser/enabler, sorry to tell you.

So just breaking it down to the bare bones:

Your SIL first priority is always childcare, when anything happens, or anything is said on the group chat, she asks about that as a first and foremost priority?

That upsets your FIL who feels she only cares about them for their ability to provide childcare?

If he voices that, then her AND your brother call him childish for saying it?

She has been asked repeatedly to FIRST ask after their health BEFORE asking about childcare, but she still always asks about childcare first?

If that is all true, I think you parents may need a different tack here, why can't they confirm separately (or at the same time) that they are still available for childcare, BEFORE posting anything that could affect the childcare arrangements leaving it ambiguous? It sounds like they are using the groupchat to inform them there may be a problem, leaving it open enough that they are forced to ask, if it is a regular thing, it sounds a little frustrating, and if that's the case can understand why SIL just asks outright as they don't tell them upfront.

This is your brother's fault, not his wife's. He should be the one liaising with your parents about childcare not her. She is probably struggling under all the mental load and her messages may come off a bit harsh but if your brother was doing his fair share of the house chores I am sure she would be in better spirits.
It is time for you to have a heart to heart with your brother and tell him to up his game or else he is risking having a major family feud.

He can usually do their regularly agreed time though, it’s just this has come out of the blue (after being fobbed off by his GP three times)

Oh I don’t buy the mental load shit one bit.

He takes the boys to school. He picks them up on days my parents don’t have them, he brings the boys to my parents, he’s the one who’s off work if my parents can’t have them. Mental load is a weak excuse for her being a cunt

Also, your father should start behaving like a grown man instead of leaving to you to deal with this fiasco. Why is he not able to tell his son that he can't do child care any more ? It is not that bloody difficult, is it ? Have a chat with him as well.

He can do childcare.

He’s currently on a surgical ward being treated for potential sepsis and possibly having emergency surgery today.

If your brother asks after his dad, why doesn't he also check on childcare?

No need fir SIL to be involved unless she wants to ask after your dad.

I agree with others, this issue is between your brother, SIL and your parents. It's not your place to get involved. Yes, it does appear that your SIL is only really interested in the childcare aspect, than your FIL's health. On the other hand, if your brother asks in the group chat how his Dad is, why does your SIL need to ask the same question? Surely, she's going to get the same answer? Yes, she could say 'Oh sorry to hear you're unwell, hope you feel better soon. Will you both be OK to still have the boys on Friday?' as it would definitely look more empathetic. Is your SIL normally like this over other things? Your parents are the ones who need to stand up for themselves, if your Dad is unwell and they can't provide childcare, they have to be honest. Your brother and SIL should have a backup plan anyway, in case this happens. If your parents aren't prepared to do this, then unfortunately the situation will continue.

I sincerely hope he gets the care he needs. But this does not detract from the fact that SIL is being portrayed in a very unfair light.

How else am I meant to portray it?

You need to stay out of it op.

If your parents wont advocate for themselves, its not your place to do it. If you raise this they will remove kids from parents care and you will be blamed by all sides

You've said a few times that this is a one off, so why would SIL always be asking about the childcare and upsetting FIL as a regular thing? Is there other times where she has to ask about it? or is it just because this has happened this week and it's happened before?

It sounds like they can't do Friday this week because of the seriousness of his medical issue (hope he is getting the treatment he needs), so why not just tell them that they can't do it this week privately (or on the chat) instead of announcing on the group chat Tuesday evening that your FIL is having a medical issue, forcing them to have to ask about the childcare arrangement?

It is almost like they are setting them up to have to ask them, then complaining that they have to ask them? Why not just tell them?

Well if OP's dad is a massive prick, why on earth would they want him caring for their kids? You can't just project your own situation onto OP. Does your FIL provide you with lots of childcare that you accept, even though he is a prick? If not, the two situations aren't the same.

Yikes posters on this thread are crabby today. Genuinely think some mumsnetters sleuth AIBU just to be cunty and aggressive.👀

I cannot believe the amount of people justifying the SIL's behaviour here?

From what OP has said, she's totally out of line. You cannot reply to someone being in hospital by asking about your childcare?!!

Is this a one off situation OP because I’m reading it as it’s happened a few times before?

My sympathies are entirely with your dad but your DB providing childcare while working from home is not a suitable alternative. I wonder if your mum and dad have pushed to provide childcare while SIL would rather use nursery/wrap around care and she is frustrated at your parents insistence when their ailing health means they are unable to be reliable.

She absolutely doesn’t want to use paid care. If she had her way they’d not be paying at all. At the moment the youngest is in nursery the other three days a week and she does nothing but complain.

It’s happened three times in the last two years.

this time, one because my dad had a stomach bug (from their kids!), and the other because he had put his back out and it wasn’t safe for him to look after them.