Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

This. So many pp blaming the brother for how his wife acts.
Yes he should pull her up on it but we all know how well that can go down.
My bil used to ring my dh and if I answered I always asked how he was. It just comes automatically to most people.

No. Her mum is dead and her dad isn’t involved. I’m obviously very sympathetic to that but it’s not an excuse to treat my dad badly!

Your SIL is clearly an awful person, no disputing that.

However you asked for advice on how to deal with that, and the resounding answer is that it’s your brother’s place to do that, not yours. So you need to speak to him (in person!) and get him to deal with it. Support whoever does call her out, if that happens, but do not initiate on the group chat.

FWIW, although my SIL is not a bad person like yours, she does have some behaviours that negatively impact our family. I do blame my brother for enabling her and not stepping up. He’s a bit of a drip who wants an easy life, so it’s easier for him to back her than us.

I haven't seen my dgc for 6 years. I stopped being the child care option. Ds and dil split up. Ds got into drugs and walked away from his family.
Dil moved on and had 3 more dc. I wasn't fighting with either of them over dgc so I left them to their decisions.
Previously we had dgc 3 days +2 nights a week from 5 months to 3 years old. Very sad but my mh was on it's knees from her demands.

Sadly I was dispensible... Your dps must be worried sick.
You need to speak to db alone imo.

So the setup is that they can change childcare plans and SIL/DB (let’s presume SIL, because of the patriarchy) has to scramble for last-minute childcare arrangements. Can you blame her for wanting to have as much lead time as possible, given the instability of the setup?

Yes, she’s being rude in her directness.

Yes, this is a perfect example of why relying on free family childcare often ends badly.

if they change it my brother will work from home.

Sometimes you can't do anything. If your father wants to see the children, unfortunately he'll have to accept she doesn't actually care about his health. It reveals more about her that she'd be so brazenly selfish, not even a cursory how are you in a family group chat. You all know what she is, and it sounds like she knows and doesn't care.

Mentioning anything will just probably open up a big full put and children are always weaponised in this and he nay see them less.

I speak from experience, my sister is one of these and if you pull her up on anything it's game over. It's very sad but some people cannot or will not change or see sense.

Of course I can, she's a tactless and rude.

But if the parents have set days to have the children and they can't do them they need to contact son/sil directly really about that as a separate issue, rather than put a message about illness on the group chat which means they are then forced to ASK if they can still cover the childcare they have pre-agreed to, it's making it pretty awkward, as they need to know if the chilcare is not available to make arrangements, and SIL very obviously only cares about the childcare element of their relationship so just cut's straight to the point.

It's the brother not seeming to give a toss about the whole thing that is making me lean towards there being more to this, if she is that rude and upsetting to his dad why would he not care/pull her up on it/say something on the chat/ask her not to respond at all? Why won't OP talk to him about it either?

OP is making excuses after excuses for her brother but he just doesn't seem at all bothered that being asked about childcare is upsetting his dad?? So is the dad over-reacting to a very normal question which needs to be asked, or is the brother as selfish and tactless as his wife?

He backs his wife because he has made his own family with her and he doesn’t want to negatively affect that.

I think it’s strange how people expect siblings to prioritise parents and siblings over a spouse it is absolutely mad.

Aye right, having a moan on an anonymous forum where nobody can identify her is worse than treating her father in law like crap!

It’s not your fight, your parents if they aren’t happy with the communication it’s upto them to raise it.

Just sat here stewing on it just getting more and more angry about it. They don’t deserve to be treated like this when they save them so much money!

I treat my FIL like crap because he is a massive prick. We only have your side of this story.

Just as a counter to this. Though I do agree your SIL and brother are being very rude.

My mum and dad asked us to cancel a Friday afternoon of nursery for our at the time 3 year old. They said they really, really wanted to look after him on Friday afternoons.

Then - after pushing us to cancel they kept last minute hinting (not saying) that it might be difficult that day/ week. My parents - who I live dearly - did not understand that because I was WFH (early 2022) I was actually really, really busy on a Friday afternoon and could not manage a toddler and some pretty important deadlines.

It came to a head, where they decided to drop him from school nursery at my house on my birthday because we were all going to see each other of a meal that evening (at 7pm). Needless to say, I was less than happy.

It did get better - but when it came to his first year in Reception - I made sure that we had alternative childcare options in place.

They still see the kids (7 and a now 2 year old) all the time. But I think they have realised they are happier doing ad hoc childcare/ grandparent days rather than something regular. We're happy with that too - and we've made sure we have the right childcare options in place to cover what we need.

OP's brother and SIL are rude - but I also think OP'a parents could be honest and say they are unable to help without being promoted if that is the case. It removes ambiguity - and it also shows if the other party is being utterly unfair/ weaponising the children.

But they are, usually, able to help. This illness wasn’t planned.

guessing your FIL isn’t the type to drive hundreds of miles through the night because your car broke down on a trip and your children needed to be at home? Because my dad has done that for her. He will do anything for her.

I would reply with, no he won't be ok to have the boys Friday, but that should not be your first concern

Forget the money OP, it is not about the money, your bro and sil may be doing it to save money, but your parents are doing it because they want to spend time with their grandchildren, so it is irrelevant.

The money is just an unnecessary distraction.

Yes. But you include it in the initial message. It saves a lot of hassle

"Hey folks, I've been taken really unwell. I'm in hospital - do/ don't come to visit [insert visiting times/ ward info]. Sorry [brother/ SIL] I'm not going to be able to look after the kids [this week/ next couple.of weeks]. Though I'd love a video call of you can manage."

No drama, no ambiguity. And it makes it clear that he wants to hear from his family.

I agree your SIL doesn’t sound very nice OP. The least you can do for anyone in hospital is ask how they are/send your love, even if childcare is not involved. Realistically though saying something will not change her mind, she’ll just get upset at you and cause a rift. You could maybe quietly have a word with your DB but I doubt that will change anything either. I’d just focus on what you can do for your DF to make it sting less.

just tell her to get to fuck and see what happens. Worst outcome? she doesn't speak to you any more.

Then you can't do anything about it. That's their dynamic and as messed up as it is, your parents are allowing this type of relationship so they see their grandchildren.

Your sil and db don't sound like nice people but this is the sad thing when grandchildren are involved.

I can imagine if you said something your dm would be annoyed with you for jeopardising their access to the grandchildren.

So your brother wouldn't take his own sons to visit his own parents, when there's nothing in it for him?

He sounds awful.

this is what OP needs to say to her brother. Then go for a good long run and forget about them.