Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

I'm a mother of adults. And if I was admitted to hospital and didn't let my kids know, they'd be really upset, and I'd very thoroughly told off (after they'd checked that I was doing okay).

But apparently men telling their kids that they've been admitted to hospital, is being needy.

Ultimately this is not your fight. It's your parent's responsibility to put a stop to this. If your mother cared about your father's health (as much as you appear to), she'd have called time on the childcare arrangement with your brother. It's her husband after all. Are you suggesting she puts the potential loss of seeing her grandchildren over the potential loss of her husband's life? Is your brother so weak that he would capitulate to his wife's retaliation for the loss of childcare by agreeing to cut off contact with his own parents?

You're painting quite the picture of your own immediate family.

But we get it. You hate your sister-in-law.

You are right, it's not for your brother to put words into his wife's mouth, she can write her own texts.

It's his responsibility to ensure that his children don't become a burden to your parents, he's not doing that, he's just letting someone else do it so that he gets the childcare but isn't the 'mean' one.

He is responsible for the communication between himself and your parents, and he's failing to ensure this is done, and then failing to call his wife to account over her rudeness.

Don't even bother with telling him, he's got eyes, he saw the text.

I would simply ignore such a rude text and not even reply. I'd also leave the chat and if they texted me to ask why, I'd be honest.

Stop stirring and leave them all to it, they are perfectly able to sort this out by themselves.

100% call her out on this.

We have one of those SIL in our family, and she is also a cunt 😊

This. Sil sounds awful but she is being enabled by weak men. If the Father and Brother will do nothing then nothing will change.

Spot on.

Christ. I hope I don’t marry into a family where in laws aren’t allowed to talk to each other!

You’re completely missing the point.

It’s not about arranging the childcare.

I agree that SIL or DB should have made alternative arrangements for childcare and then texted FIL to say not to worry about childcare.

The issue here is that the FIL is poorly and instead of being empathetic and asking if he’s ok/hope he feels better soon etc (which the DB did do) the SIL immediately thought about how it affects her and asked about childcare.

How selfish can you get!

This isn’t male vs female like so many posters keep trying to make it.

If it was OPs BIL who posted the same message, he would be just as bad as if it was the SIL.

And the mother. She surely bear's equal responsibility as this is apparently having such a negative impact on her husband's health.

😂😂😂

I love this!!

(I am assuming this is satire)

This is it. I think my brother is a bit of a dick too but at least he can be empathetic!

I think you should be making your opinion known to your brother and reaffirming to your parents that they have your support if they feel they need to withdraw from providing childcare because of illness, or in fact any other reason because no one is owed childcare from their aging parents.

However, what's undeniable is that your brother appears to be completely forgiven for being a complete melt in this situation. It's all SIL does this SIL does that but you do realise your brother not only allows it but tells his own father off for saying he would appreciate some sort of empathy towards his declining health. Pathetic worm of a man.

Really can't see why you're avoiding falling out with either of them, the pair of them seem well suited to eachother in the fact that they're clearly arseholes.

@nomashe literally does manage childcare but okay

If he does, why is your SIL always asking PIL for childcare, and not your bro?

You have said it's SIL's 'responsibility'.

Probably best to keep out of it.

Why do you determine the set-up agreed between two sets of responsible adults is massively unfair?

I take your point about the bluntness on the text - that’s a communication style issue - but the actual childcare of their DGC - you have decided it’s massively unfair? Your DPs haven’t so why are you being so controlling?

I haven't missed that. But OP has also said that the childcare is too much, but she seems to blames the SIL rather than her B.

Based on the tone of OP's posts 'SIL is a tactless bitch', 'SIL needs to take responsibility', it seems that OP wants SIL to grovel for this childcare.

Why would you not want to fall out with this selfish pos? Tell your father to man up and tell her where to go - otherwise if his health deteriorates because of this exploitation, she is not likely to look after him, so it will fall to you. Apart from being rude and insensitive to your father, obvs.

They also agree. They know they’re being taken advantage of but they’re in a position where if they say no, they won’t see the children.

I think you’re getting a really hard time here op, and I think a lot of people are projecting their own childcare woes when they are completely irrelevant! I’m sorry your dad is so poorly and I hope that he is feeling better soon, and of course that is affecting how you approach this too - it may be harder to brush off SILs frustrating or rude behaviour when you are also worried about someone you love! For what it’s worth I think SIL has been rude and I would also be upset in your circumstances.

I think communication is probably lacking on both sides here, but ultimately it’s pretty clear what everyone wants - when your dad is better I think there probably needs to be a family conversation whereby your brother and SIL can explain what they need from your parents (ie please can you indicate that you are or are not available to provide childcare at the time of letting us know about your health issues, thus allowing us to focus on you) and your parents can reiterate what they need from SIL and bro (please acknowledge that I am in poor health and worried and would like some reassurance from my family). It shouldn’t be hard to treat this as an opportunity to improve two way communication, which in turn should allow you to feel more able to focus on your dad and less on wanting to strangle SIL!

You really are twisting the narrative. OP doesn't want SIL to grovel, she just wants her to extend some common decency and ask FIL how he is while he's in hospital facing an emergency op rather than jumping straight in with 'can you look after the kids still?' OP also wants SIL to refrain from calling FIL pathetic and childish when he raises the point that SIL is only interested in the free childcare he provides. So yes, SIL does need to take responsibility - for her selfish behaviour and cruel taunts.

One of those weak men is getting on, and is sick. The other is this thundercunt’s husband, and no doubt his enabling her appalling behaviour has long been his main attraction for her.
But yeah, let us blame everyone but the main offender here, whose personality is not her own responsibility.
Grand so, but the family had better resign themselves to many more decades of worsening abuse, rather than take her to task.

No I said she should take some responsibility.

day in day out my brother texts, but it always seems that when someone is ill she pipes up.

another example is I had surgery in the summer. My mum let everyone know there would be no childcare for a week because she a) had to come with me on the Monday and b) I would be home and it wouldn’t be suitable for the children to be there.

immediately she’s asking why I need someone with me (because I was having a GA and needed someone with me for 24 hours!), and kicking off at the loss of childcare despite my brother texting and saying it was fine, he would just wfh that week and maybe bring the kids over to see me if I felt up to it.

she’s just nasty.

Has your wonderful DB confirmed this consequence to your parents or is this another imagined ‘helpless and hopeless victim’ narrative concocted by both of your DPs keeping you rattled?

Why don’t your parents message your brother and SIL and set up a group specifically for child care and ask them to keep the wider family chat to family news/updates. Then when they see an update impacting your DFs health they can check in on the childcare chat and deal
with practicalities there.

It’s that fucking simple. Its how families who aren’t drama-prone operate.

(I expect this solution doesnt suit as you want full visibility and monitoring rights over your SILs
messages to DF and your DF quietly thrives on the attention and sympathy it inevitably brings).