Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

But he doesn’t. He does a solid 75% of the work around the house and with childcare despite working full time.

That's awful, this attitude that anyone rude must be foreign is really damaging.

So why isn't he sorting childcare with his parents?

Presumably SIL works too since they both need childcare?

You are letting your brother off lightly. It doesn’t matter what he did or did not know before. He is supporting her behaviour now

She works less hours than him. She surely has to take some responsibility at some point.

Agree 100% - it’s all unnecessary and dysfunctional triangulation.

What’s happening is the drama triangle when one person doesn’t explicitly express their expectations but bleats about it to another casting one as the perpetrator and themselves as the victim.

This triggers the rescuer response (in this case the OP) who angrily does the bidding for the one who chooses not to speak out and they then are cast as the perpetrator when the conflict erupts.

OP needs to get some perspective to recognise this is not her responsibility and her direct involvement could well have catastrophic consequences for the family. The couple would assume the rest of the family were talking behind their backs. The grandparents could deny they were upset or that they gave permission for your involvement. This could fracture your family for ever.

If you want to be constructive encourage and support your DF (and DM) to consider their own capacity and expectations and to communicate that effectively to their DS.

I don’t understand how it falls to you, your DM and DF - if your DB always picks up the slack when arrangements falter anyway?

Having read all your responses I changed my vote to YABU. Your whole account is skewed by how much you clearly hate your SIL. The way you defend your DB at all costs is embarrassing. I get the impression you are a massive shit stirrer in your family, and this situation could be easily resolved between DB,SIL and DP if you could bear to accept that it is none of your f business. Keep your nose out.

I’d imagine it’s obvious if an elderly person is in hospital that they won’t be up to running after toddlers tbh

Wow no don’t get involved at all. I’ve not said anything to them, besides pointing out to my parents that the setup is massively unfair.

But it's his parents, and your parents don't like her tone, so why can't your brother take responsibility?

Why do you see this as a woman's job?

So are un-foreigners, so moot point.

This is just tedious xenophobia.

It’s absolutely nothing to do with women’s v men’s jobs.

It’s the fact she’s chosen to be a tactless bitch and it’s pissed me off.

What an utterly bizarre thread!

It really isn't difficult for your SIL to send a message which acknowledges her FILs illness and asks about childcare arrangements without putting additional pressure on her ill FIL and coming across as callous :

"Sorry you aren't feeling well / have been admitted to hospital. Let us know if we can do anything.

Are you still able to have the kids on Friday? No worries if not, we'll sort something else - just need to know as soon as possible so we can make plans"

It would take all of 10 seconds and is hardly taxing or a huge increase in mental load to demonstrate a little bit of empathy! Even if she was a sociopath, she should still be able to feign it out of politeness and the acknowledgement that her in laws are saving their family a huge amount of money!

Alternatively she could just not say anything at all and let her husband check on the child care arrangements, given that it is him that would have to change his plans if they fell through.

I have changed to YABU OP.

You seem sexist in the way you see the SIL as the sole issue and are completely silent on how weak and useless your brother is in enabling this disrespect of his family.

I’m a woman 😂 it’s the fact you all seem to think he’s responsible for what SHE says

How do you want her to message them? Like this?

Dearest, most wonderful, most angelic MIL & FIL🌹✨, how are you today? I hope you are both positively radiant, glowing like the sun itself, and living your best, most fabulous lives. I am on my knees (figuratively, but almost literally 🙇‍♀️) begging for the tiniest, humblest favour. As you know, it is my sole sacred duty to juggle childcare, and I am but a humble servant in this noble task. Tomorrow looms like a mountain I cannot climb without your divine intervention. Would you — in your infinite kindness, wisdom, and unmatched grandmotherly and grandfatherly grace — possibly, maybe, mercifully grant us the boon of watching your grandson for the day? 🌸 Please, please, please say yes — you are our shining stars, our only hope, our saviours in this cruel world of scheduling chaos. Without you, we are but lost souls adrift at sea. I love you both more than words, more than chocolate, more than life itself 💕. Eternally grateful, forever indebted, your most devoted and desperate SIL 💖.

I'm not triggered and not being nasty, nor do I get or want free childcare, I'm only pointing out what OP herself has said in her posts and pointed out the hypocrisy.

I personally don't like to see women called 'cunts' and 'bitches' when her husband, OP's brother is completely and totally absolved of any and all responsibility for this arrangement.. not his fault apparently.

ALL the things that are pissing off OP are apparently all from SIL, SIL is the selfish one for sending the children to them sick, SIL is the one that would 'stop contact if the parents didn't do childcare', SIL is the one who 'prioritises her own family'.. nothing is the brothers responsibility apparently.

At no point have I said it's not rude and tactless to ask about childcare when someone is ill, of course it is, but if they haven't specifically said they can't have the children, she's had to ask so she could make alternative arrangements.. doesn't make her a cunt.

How can you possibly know how much you do around the house.

No need to be sarcastic.

it’s just a simple “how are you feeling” or “hope you feel better soon” rather than it being solely about childcare.

What is unfair about it exactly?

Maybe if your brother managed the childcare, SIL would have more time for chit chat?

Where did I say you are not a woman?

I said you seem sexist. You do seem sexist. And you baby your brother holding the SIL exclusively responsible for not only her own behaviour but your brother’s uselessness.

Because you’re sexist.

She is responsible for what she says. He is responsible for all the ways he enables her. You have a lot to say about her but constant excuses for your brother (he cannot take the boys to see his dad because she won’t let him by booking activities).

Does your brother have zero agency? Is he a wet lettuce?

Exactly this! All these SIL apologists saying that DB should be the accountable one because it's his dad – where's SIL's accountability for calling the FIL pathetic and childish because he dared to question her motives?

So if your parents can't look after your DB's and SIL's children, either you or your brother need to take time off work to look after them? Why can't your SIL take time off work? As parents, your DB and SIL can take parental leave. I'm not sure why you are taking the time off. Are you all scared of your SIL?