Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

My point exactly! This is something that should have been handled between OP's father and brother, but they both seem totally incapable to voice their needs and SIL and OP are the ones who have to pick up the pieces which fuels the tension between them two when in reality they are not at fault. It is blatantly obvious this family has severe communication problems arising from the utter incompetence by these men.

The root cause of the problem is really simple, OP's father should have said, no, I can't do childcare. And that would saved all this drama.

You forgot vindictive 😀

OP has no reason to lie about this.

I get it. All the SIL defenders are the CFers in their families? It is human fucking decency to say, when a family member tells you they are ill, to say "i hope you feel better soon" as their first reply.

And anyone who doesn't? deserves both barrels from other family members.

I can’t work out if posters on this thread are being obtuse and pretending to be dumb or if they’re actually just thick as shit.

A child could work out that if someone is poorly and in hospital then it’s probably best to make other arrangements.

Anyone with half an ounce of compassion wouldn’t bring up childcare and when they did would only be to say that they’ve found alternative arrangements and not to worry about it for the next couple of weeks and just focus on getting better.

Your question is “how to avoid a falling out” that’s why.

People one step removed from
the situation are encouraging you to try to see it from her perspective, be fair in your apportionment of blame and think of strategies to diffuse the situation (such as involving your brother, him sorting childcare without SIL, your parents pre-empting the question)- because everyone can see that giving her both barrels on a WhatsApp group (especially without the support of your parents themselves) would be pointless and make things worse.

Yeah, if it was my dad @everytimeifall, I'd be falling out with her about it

Yeah I’m not sure why I’d lie about something like this!

I think we know who the people who take all the childcare without looking back are though!

I would like to add this is probably the worst possible moment to try to fix this problem. Your father needs all your support now so I would try to put off this subject until he is out of the hospital, which I pray will happen soon.

@SleeplessIntheOnyxNight

yep, his wife and kids are most important to him, he can prioritise them and fuck everyone else. But what he can’t do is expect his parents to propose him, his wife and their kids over their own health.

can’t have your cake and eat it. Can’t treat people like shit and then expect them to bend over backwards for you.

I’m revolted by the amount of hostility that has been shown to these grandparents in this thread. (And more so by the sympathy that clearly exists for couples such as the pair described here.)
Over and above specifics here, there is evidently a widespread belief that free, 100% reliable childcare is a family obligation, and to hell with any rights grandparents have to their own lives, never mind the right to withdraw from that childcare owing to ill health.

With a person such as SIL, it’s little wonder the GPs are reluctant to advocate on their own behalf, given the dismissive reactions here from readers presumably nowhere near as nasty. (Though maybe they too enjoy free childcare like this)

I am not sure they are necessarily. In an earlier post you said you were get more and more wound up thinking about it. I think what many are saying is that this isn’t going to change the situation, or help you.

Only your parents/and or DB can do that. She is unlikely to have an epiphany, and change her behaviour. Which is appalling by the way. Both her lack of concern and lack of gratitude. But for your own peace of mind I think you need to rise above it. You being upset, family drama are not what your Dad needs either. Again you can suggest to your parents they challenge her/ do less but it’s their decision.

I hope things go well for your Dad. You must be really worried about him, and it’s possible some of that worry is manifesting itself in your current fury. Better for you and him if you are able to calm yourself somewhat.

Right… so he has absolutely no say in regards to how they spend their weekend, all their holidays and all the weekdays evenings. If he wanted to take the kids to see your parents, would his wife physically prevent him from doing so?

Did you ever wonder if he was telling you this because he actually can’t be bothered to see your parents but doesn’t want to admit it?

She's got reason to exaggerate it.

OP hates SIL, she resents the childcare setup that has been arranged, it sounds like she lives with them and is sick of getting ill by proxy, doesn't think her parents should even be doing it.. but it's not up to OP what other adults do!

And her brother is completely immune to everything that is making her furious about this situation for some reason? if it IS true that her dad announced he had sepsis on the group chat (highly doubtful) the son should be the one to immediately say, don't worry dad, we'll make alternative arrangements for Friday..

Everyone else seems happy with the childcare setup (unless they are ill or on holiday etc), the only person pissed off about the whole thing is OP.

Jesus, MN has gone bonkers the last few days. I've seen so many posts sticking up and giving excuses for what is shitty behaviour.

Op your SIL IS a cunt, and her behaviour is rude beyond belief. To not ask how he is, regardless of anything is just poor form and there is no exuse.

OPs problem is that in the chat the SIL barges right on in with "but childcare" in answer to "i'm ill"

Her brother doesn't do that, as OP has said, he says the normal human reply to that which is "hope it's not too bad" or whatever.

What OP wants isn't to start WW3 with her SIL. She wants her SIL to show an ounce of normal human behaviour. That is is. The childcare isn't the issue, the rudness is.

My parents have done childcare for another family member's children and they have had more illnesses as a result, but they like doing it and are prepared to take the risk, even though one of them has had ill-health like chest infections as a consequence and these can be serious at their age. It's their judgement call. I have my own opinions on them being asked to do this, but I'm glad I kept out of it, the childcare has come to a natural end and everyone is glad.

Are you a SIL who expects free childcare from her inlaws? Because the level of nastiness you've aimed at OP really is disproportionate. Why are you so triggered?

Having read all.of the updates, you think shes a cunt so honestly who cares if she falls out with you. Also people saying its not your place. 100% id be calling them about this. Its down to your brother too though but not a fucking chance id have someone upsetting my unwell dad.

This is for your brother to deal with.

I’d go for modelling the behaviour. Completely ignore her question, which isn’t addressed to you anyway, and go overboard with supportive messages for your dad. “That’s so much for letting us know, hope it’s not too stressful, do let us know how you get on, do give me a call for a chat, we are thinking of you, please make sure you are resting and taking it easy,” etc. Maybe that will make her realise that that would have been the appropriate response.

Oh your brother is whipped. She sounds awful - pull her up on her behaviour. Who cares what she and your weak brother think.

Sometimes they are very direct and to the point.

Not the scandal you were hoping for.

Because the feckless brother leaves childcare to his wife, even when it comes to making arrangements with his own parents. I doubt SIL enjoys being the one to harangue people into child care.

Yes, my thought, too

My friend has been feeling poorly and just yesterday she texted saying she went to her gp and it’s X.

We’re meant to be going out on the weekend for something for which has been planned for months.

I have not even mentioned it.
All I said was how I hope she’s feeling better etc and glad that she’s got medication etc.

I will probably text later on today to say that if she’s not feeling up to the weekend then to not worry about it etc just so she doesn’t feel pressured into something she is not feeling up to.

No way would the first the out of my mouth be - are we still doing this weekend?

There are obviously a lot of selfish posters on this thread.