Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

[everytimeifall]

My parents provide childcare to my brother and sister in law for their two sons (2 and 6). My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

I appreciate they need to know, but there’s never even a “how are you feeling?”, just straight to childcare. He’s pulled her up on this before and she has responded with really nasty messages, dismissing his feelings and calling him immature for bringing it up. She says her work is important that’s what matters to her.

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests and she immediately responded with “okay so you can have the boys on Friday?”

im biting my tongue at the minute because my dad isn’t feeling his best but I really want to say something! It’s got to the point that my dad will be in tears because he feels like she doesn’t care about him, but only the childcare.

I mean, I see no harm in adding a comment in the chat along the lines of, “think you’ll have to assume childcare arrangements are off what with dad being in hospital for suspected sepsis. I’m sure he’ll appreciate your thoughts are with him this week. Love and kisses etc etc”

Came here to say basically this. Regardless of where the brother is in all this, the SIL is being a shit. I would call her out on that.

I'm not defending her lack of tact.

But she IS having to ask, no one can deny that, because she isn't directly being told that they can't do it.. they are leaving it open ended on the group chat, so OP will offer to do it by the sounds of it, she is the fallback plan as it sounds like she lives at home with them.

They need to just tell SIL when they can't do it so she doesn't have to then ask them.. it's not hard. It sounds like they tell her when they are going on holiday and she makes alternative arrangements, so them not being able to do it isn't a problem.. it's them not communicating clearly when they can't do it which is causing this issue!

Yes exactly. Or text me so I can ask at a tactful moment and let her know

She’s meant to be an intelligent woman. Maybe she could read the room and make other arrangements for once.

Yes ultimately the burden is SIL and guess what if she is let down she risks loosing her income and or respect at work and she needs that money to house, raise and feed your nephews, earn a pension etc etc

The cost you place on her is emotional cost and relationship cost and relational cost within the family and you are not therefore giving help ‘without cost’ and alongside she bears the risk of her loosing her job due to unreliable childcare. She may be terrified of this and her ‘apple cart’ falling over as a result.

I am sure nephews are loved and well cared for by you and your parents - that I am certain SIL is very grateful for. Please consider walking a day in her shoes though. Honestly keeping kids well looked after and holding down a job is a monumental effort.

Compassion for all - it is difficult- please don’t make life harder for SIL.

Just a ‘she has a lot on her plate Dad it not that she doesn’t care’ will suffice for your contribution.

tbh at this stage, OP, i would just text to your DH and his wife and say: you two are behaving like unfeeling cunts, check yourselves. Assume no childcare for the foreseeable.

At least that will be 2 fewer Christmas presents to have to buy ;)

But it’s not! She will go to work no matter what and my brother will be the one to take the kids if needed.

But she IS having to ask, no one can deny that, because she isn't directly being told that they can't do it..

SIL is presumably a functioning adult who can work out for herself that "in hospital with sepsis" means no childcare that week?

Good then your dad just needs to tell his son which days he is not doing and SIL can leave them to sort it together?

I don’t get why so many people are desperately looking for excuses for her to be an arsehole?

But why would she make alternative arrangements for childcare when your parents don't want her to? They wan't to look after the children, they just need to be clear if there is something come up which means they are unable to rather than leave it vague, which means she then has to ask.

You are letting your feelings for your SIL skew this entire situation, it seems everyone is happy with the childcare arrangements apart from you?

Are you having to have them this Friday?

Who on earth is this relevant ?

I think because you (quite understandably) dislike her, everything she does you now see through that light. There are a few things here that don't seem unreasonable to me.

• Taking kids when they have winter bugs that get spread: that's part and parcel of childcare. I'm not talking specific sickness / stomach bugs, just colds and sniffles that all kids get, all parents catch, all teachers/childcarers are exposed to. It was up to your parents whether or not they accepted this, because there is no way around it.
• Your brother clearly has flexibility at work to WFH when needed (though it is highly unlikely he CAN actually work while looking after his kids, adn that his work is happy with this! Indeed in many companies this is explicitly not allowed, and rightly so). Maybe his wife does not have this flexibility?

She'd get short shrift from me, but if your Dad & your brother are both manipulated by her, then you need to decide if you want to be the black sheep, & is this actually your fight ?
You can meanwhile, refuse to engage with her, see her, invite her, go to anywhere she is present, Go 100% Cold

Your dad's response should be dependent on his health. If the answer to the question is no then he should say so.

It's not unreasonable for your dad to feel that he's just being used. And your brother's an arse as well.

I think there’s a difference between colds and bugs that have led to hospital admissions, chest infections and pneumonia (in me!!)

Then why don’t they pay for childcare in a nursery like most people do and not rely on someone who they already know has poor health?

This is purely SILs and DBs fault.

They cannot blame anyone else for any of this when they are choosing such an unpredictable method of childcare.

If they lose their jobs over not having a reliable source of childcare then that’s their own fault.

I would stay out of this. My usual policy is that each person in the family is responsible for their own relationship with each other person. When my brother fell out with my dad, I didn't get involved and kept my own relationship with him, my brother gets on with him fine now. I have vetoed certain events with my divorced parents which my brother attends, and everyone thinks I'm silly but I don't care.

I don't think managing other people's family relationships usually works at all, and ends up with someone feeling ganged up on. I'd be working on my own relationships with my mum and dad and be honest with them about how I felt about the brother's actions, gently suggesting how they could handle it, but not beyond that.

They know the choices, they are choosing not to action them, leave them to it.

What? In general I’d agree, but these two are a couple insisting that his parents are there to serve them, at great personal expense.
You can’t have it both ways.

there was no mention of sepsis, only:

last night my dad text the family chat to explain his latest round of tests.
my dad isn’t feeling his best

Any person with half a brain can deduce that sepsis or extended hospital stay was not mentioned, otherwise it would be a bit more serious that 'dad not feeling his best':

"I've got suspected sepsis"
"okay, can you still have the kids Friday"

I call bullshit to be honest.

SIL sounds like a selfish, entitled, tactless, insensitive cunt.
yanbu, op.

Am I tripping or something?! I cannot believe the vitriol being aimed at OP because she's dared to criticise her SIL for demanding to know whether her in-laws can still do free childcare on Friday when FIL is currently in hospital and possibly facing emergency surgery. SIL is being awful, selfish and entitled for not showing any consideration to her poorly FIL and OP is rightly concerned. It sounds like DB and SIL have weaponised their kids so the threat of losing contact constantly dangles over FIL and MIL. How is that okay? Likewise calling a sick man "pathetic" for wanting to raise the issue. I can't believe anyone is defending it.

If your parents moans, say 'oh dear' or if you are more honest 'they are like that though, aren't they Dad'.

Neutral responses, don't demonise anyone in the family even if they are giant arses.

I would leave the group chat though, I wouldn't be prepared to read this type of texts, that's the action you can take, they can then act accordingly.

It's not a lie though, is it? It isn't good for young kids to be in the care of one ill adult, and another adult trying desperately to cope both with kids and a sick husband. There is nothing wrong in shifting the emphasis so that sil can see that she might be harming her own kids, even if she doesn't care about the impact on her parents-in-law.