DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

[Aggyagro]

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age.
We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin…
Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

Why do you pay the mortgage and him half the bills? Or have I missed something?

Is he able to cook? If not he can start to learn. Then if he retires he can take over the food shopping and cooking to replace the takeaways and you’d have a lovely home cooked meal after work. Start making a list of jobs he can take over so he doesn’t get bored doing nothing. He may then change his mind.

I’m assuming this unpleasant, selfish side of him has given you the most massive of ‘ick’ now OP?
I’d be evaluating a heck of a lot more than a bloody retirement date in your shoes!

He sounds absolutely awful tbh! Have you had a conversation about how this’ll affect you and how you can split bills more fairly considering your salary and pension have both taken a hit due to having children and taking time out. If he doesn’t see an issue after a conversation I’d genuinely be considering divorce in which you’d likely (and rightly so) be awarded some of his “early retirement” fund.

Oh op he’s being so selfish. I’d be reevaluating my future with him to be honest.

He needs to clear the morgage and that money from you used to shore up your pension.
Don't accept anything less.

But getting legal advice would be wise too.
All paperwork to hand.
You are not a team, never were.
He's been playing the long game OP while you take the hit.

I really hope you wake up to that and get legal advice.
It probably will be much better to divorce while he is employed and that pension pot can be split.

It might be more difficult if he actually has retired.

Get legal advice, because he intends to screw you.

Get legal advice, because he intends to screw you

In reality, whether intentional or not (given massive benefit of doubt with that comment but my personal opinion is that it’s been deliberate) he’s been screwing you for absolutely YEARS already

I get what you are saying - but i still don’t think being a stay-at-home-spouse (with no children) is a “job”. It’s not the same as being a stay-at-home parent with young children.

So it still needs to be a joint decision to give up work. Personally, I’d rather having a working spouse whilst i worked rather than having one dossing at home and cooking the odd meal or doing the odd load of washing.

Anyway, presumably as both spouses are currently working full-time, OP’s husband can already cook and takes care of 50% of the dinners? So it really wouldn't be a huge win for her.

We need to expect more of men

The money should be one pot. Halving bills etc etc is a weird way to deal with family finances. It causes all sorts of problems/power dynamics etc etc. I’d try to sort that out before retirement.

Going against the grain here I don’t agree you should have to retire together. I don’t plan to wait for my husband to retire I will go 10 years before him. I’ve worked bloody hard and been stricter with my finances to make it happen. I drive a 10 year old car with no finance he chooses a new car - I choose to top up my pension he chooses not to so no good whinging when I am ahead of him to some rest. ( we earn similar, pay half of everything and I took time out to have the children)

If work is having a negative affect
If he ‘just can’t take the stress anymore’ then
it may be the best thing for him health wise

Can you compromise and ask him to work just a bit longer if money is going to be an issue
Youre a couple and this needs to be an agreed discussion. That doesn’t mean he has to do what you want him to do, it just means there should be understanding and compromise on both sides

I think I am at the point of realising that this is a hugely unfair situation, thanks to the valuable perspectives of everyone on here. We are practically the same age and by his own admission his job is less stressful than mine. I have never taken time out with the children (which would still have been work anyway) but worked around them and in doing so neglected my own pension. His decision would negatively impact my life moving forward. I am going to start looking into my options and thankfully have already started AVCs to the max I can afford. Thanks again!

The OP hasn't said anything about him being stressed or his work having a negative effect on him. She's actually said that his job isn't particularly stressful and that he mainly works from home. I'm sure many people would love to quit their jobs in their 50s but the reality is that this is impossible for most and that it would be very selfish to pile all the stress on the other partner, who this man assumes will fund his early retirement, without even asking her first.

I agree with you that discussion and compromise is key. So far, all the compromise and sacrifice appears to be on @Aggyagro's side and none on his. I'm pleased the replies have helped you to reconsider your perspective.

A wise move -

He's freeloading! He hasn't discussed this with you.... He's told you what he's going to do! Definitely be on your guard. My ex did similar. I got rid!

I am surprised at this as I don’t know anyone who has retired in their 50s to care for elderly parents.

Yeah I’m not sure this is particularly accurate. I don’t know anyone that age who could even afford to retire early to do that! Not in these financial times

I have never ever heard of any woman giving up a career in their 50's for caring duties.
They would be very senior in their careers, have gone through the tough childcare juggling years.
No way they would retire to do caring duties having worked when their own children were young.
I wouldn't expect them to either.

Shock news. Couples in their 50s who have got the mortgage right down or gone and the children off their hands decide that life would be much easier for both of them if one of them looks after the home full time and the other brings in enough money to live on, and they each willingly take on those roles.

This isn’t the case here though - firstly the mortgage is not gone, or even nearly so. Secondly my life would not be made much easier by my DH running the hoover over the place once a day and then spending the rest of the time on YouTube or practising cricket (trust me I know him). It bears no comparison to the work I did when the children were young and I juggled home duties with work while he built up his leisure fund…

Best to read the thread before posting sarcastic and incorrect comments.

Don’t let him just have an easy life as he’ll be bored as his friends are still working and be reliant on you for entertainment.

look at how you pay the bills now so you can pay more into pension. Also have a look at rebel finance school. It’s free and shows you how to get debt free and invest for early retirement They have been awarded OBE or MBE for their work

This!

My husband has talked about going part time in a few years to ‘wind down’. But he is 8 years older than me so was always going to retire earlier than me. And he has paid the mortgage and most bills while we were raising DD.

Meanwhile I have gone back in to full time work since DD was old enough to catch a bus by herself and have had 2 promotions in 4.5 years. Hopefully getting my third when an opportunity arises early next year. So nowhere near thinking about retiring!

It is difficult to think about switching roles at home with me being the higher earner if he goes part time and how he will take on the role of running the house (which he has promised to do!) as I like things done my way! But it is a joint deduction we have talked about.

If your DH does retire he needs to take on other responsibilities - like you did when the children were small. I guess you may be nearly at the stage where grandchildren may come along so will he use his time to help out there?

He will grow resentment from you if he does ‘nothing’. I would say that attitude is potentially marriage ending as you would no longer be a partnership.

My comment was in direct response to the posts immediately above it.

My comment was in direct response to the posts immediately above it. Best take your own advice.