DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

[Aggyagro]

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age.
We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin…
Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

This is not a decision he should be making by himself.
Even if you could easily afford it and money wasn't an issue, it is still a huge change and needs a discussion or many discussions for you both to come up with a plan that works for you both.
I know someone who is planning on doing this and to help fill his days and also fund it he has started up a small business that he is growing.
Now he and his wife can happily afford to retire even without the business but it would meen a big change in lifestyle for them so they discussed it and came up with a plan. He's unhappy with his work and wants out. That is fine so they spent a while figuring out what to do. Their discussions of it went deep into everything and they even talked at length with myself and my wife too so they could get an outside perspective. That is what a healthy relationship does.

The words 'patchwork of jobs' lead me to suggest to you that you should/must contact the Pension Tracing Service to ensure that you claim ALL your pensions when the time comes. (My own experience with them has, I believe, won me an extra £50 a week for life, as they traced one with a bit of SERPS in it).

This is so very unequal - you're supposed to be partners and your sacrifices for your family allowed him to build his pension. But now he's not supporting you and is in fact enforcing further sacrifice, mainly from you, as you try to build your own pension. It's not on and he's out of order for not even considering the impact of that.

I think even mentioning this to him might change his perspective. He's behaving as if you're two separate financial entities, not a joint venture. If you pull out, he's coughing up half, like it or not.

Sadly from the way you describe your vs your H’s work and parenting it sounds like you weren’t savvy about much more than your pension situation.

seems like this man didn’t even do any weekday parenting (drop offs etc) or night parenting.

Stop letting him walk all over you!

He's a princess and you're his provider.

I definitely don't think it's a conversation of telling your partner your going to do X if it puts them under greater financial burden.

DH and I have discussed early retirement (from 60/61) and we both are just under 40 but it gives us the time to use AVCs and build that pot in order to do so reasonably comfortably. Wouldn't be masses each (between 25-30k a year each) until state pension age (public sector pensions linked) but as a couple should be able to enjoy ourselves assuming our house is paid off.

thing is he has always been a gold digger, youve paid half and he has not done half the work - leaving you pension poor and he has made his money from scrounging off you

now if he wants to retire he needs to be doing all the housework, cooking etc and paying his half of the bills and mortgage

suddenly he reverts to type and wants to sponge from you again... well there is a surprise - some people don't change

@Aggyagro I did exactly the same, freelance, took eye off of the ball pension wise despite Ft or near ft work…and thought, it’ll be ok as DH is saving into his pension. I’m trying to make up for it now. My dh otoh hasn’t suggested I work longer than him to recover pension contributions lost during that time as he appreciates I put the kids first.

also remember if you divorce, it is a 50-50 split of assets, so house half half and he would need to give you a bit of his pension…

I’m in a similar position to you op and have had a the same career trajectory/working around the children and earning a fraction of the household income. But the difference is that we have never been 50/50, so I’ve had the opportunity to save and pay extra into my pension in recent years. My husband is planning to retire soon (a very recent decision that we took jointly) and I will work for a while longer as I enjoy my job and find it easy. We won’t be 50/50 in retirement either and he will ensure that I get a proportion of his pension if he dies as I would struggle financially otherwise. If he pays 50/50 household expenses in retirement, how much will he have left over? Plan your joint retirement expenses and find a fair split that is proportionate to your respective pensions. Or, as others have said, shovel as much as you can into your pension while you’re still working, to level the field. If he doesn’t like living on a reduced household income while you do that then you can negotiate. Something has to change.

The guy is being an absolute douche bag. If he is so set up for retirement but you are not, why is he not working a couple of years more and putting all that money into YOUR retirement fund so that you can both retire by your late 50s? To be honest if you are disadvantaged because you were taking time out raising his children, why wasn’t he contributing into your pension at that time??? This is exactly why women get big payouts when it comes to divorce. I hate to say it, but if he doesn’t consider you, then you’ll be financially much better off if you divorce him.

My husband has a bigger pension pot than me and earns much more. He suggested that I should salary sacrifice the maximum I can into my pension while he pays for all the bills. It sounds like your husband is a bit of an arse tbh.

I agree with this all or none. He is a cf.

I think lifes short....if he wants to retire and has worked hard he should be able to....if its doable then do it.....hes gonna appreciate you and theres benefits to having him home.....he can do alot more chores and helping cooking dinners.......i wouldnt see it all about money.....

Sounds like hes shaping up to take his money and run...... make sure you have copies of all financial paperwork. Keep it safe. Children off hand and no payments due for them...... equity on house.... does not sound good.... i hope im wrong.

OP please don't thjnk this is your fault for not planning your retirement better. It happens to many of us.

Most women retire on smaller pensions than most men because of the career opportunities and concomitant pension contributions they gave up to raise children. The survey I read even found that in gay couples, the partner that did the most childcare retired with less income.

This is not on you, and you shouldn't feel apologetic for wanting a more equal retirement plan. You're OWED it. Your career and pension pot are where they are because you were raising your AND HIS children.

It's not just his pension pot to take whenever he feels like it. You enabled it. You facilitated it. Therefore what's done with it needs to be a joint decision.

If they're the same age then that's fair but if he's older then why should she get to retire earlier than he did?

As long as he doesn't end up with a later retirement age than she does. Why should he work to an older age than she does so they can retire at the same time

Thanks all. Just to clarify - we’re very similar ages and I wouldn’t be looking to retire at a younger age than him! I just don’t fancy doing it a whole decade later than him because I’ve made sacrifices that he didn’t earlier in our marriage….

What was your husband’s reaction when you said you’d want to retire at the same time as him?

Really interesting. He started mentioning the mortgage for the first time and talking about how we would have to have a plan to pay it back in that case…..🧐

Ah ok…. Its good you raised it then. His plan was obviously you just clearing it.

You read a lot on mumsnet about the dangers for women of giving up earning capacity in case their husband divorces them. I think soon the bigger risk might be if you stay married!

I do think your husband needs to start seeing both your pension pots as joint provision for you as a couple.

Just tell him it's a wonderful idea and you'll retire at the same time. You'll have to make more sacrifices, but hey, won't it be lovely to have all that time doing "nothing" together!
Then, see what he says.

One of my friends took a "career break" to visit a close childhood friend on the other side of the world for several months - and that was the end of her 40 year marriage. She'd no intention of returning to her husband.

Gives him something to factor into his spreadsheet 😂