DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

[Aggyagro]

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age.
We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin…
Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

Am I being naive - DH and I have always put all our salary etc into the joint account which has paid of all the household bills and for DC's. He was by far the biggest earner while I worked very few hours and did most of the house stuff cooking, shopping sorting the DC's then he took early retirement and I increased my hours became the higher earner and he did the house stuff. It is our money not mine or his.

He obviously didn’t factor in that you have massively sacrificed your retirement prospects to bring up children and care for him after his op, run the house etc. He seems to just see it as he “paid more to the bills now it’s your turn to pay the mortgage”. What a prized twat. So glad you’ve seen the light op!

An excuse?

Being a full-time carer for a loved one with MND or PSP or Alzheimers is harder than most jobs.

My Dad actually did take early retirement and take on all the cooking, washing, household management etc while my Mum reached the peak of her career. My Mum was in a very stressful job and benefited from the practical and emotional support. The difference is, they were a couple who made life plans together.

Rather than cutting back on luxuries, he could top up his pension with a small, low stress part time job.

If youre still working, then you can book and travel solo - that'll give him a shock. Do mention you'll be working out when you can retire, but will be travelling for all of your annual leave to far flung places and if he can't afford to join you then so be it - you'll go solo

The Government is concerned about the growing number of economically inactive women in their fifties.

yeah but the government isn't counting the saving they are reaping from this

My OH is retired. He retired when I had DD, and I returned to work. He thought he'd have an easy life at home, and clearly thought his ex-wife had leisurely life while he worked.

I did nothing to dispel this myth. He does lion share of the cooking & shopping, most of laundry, cleaning and other household stuff.

DD is now 16 and he's now starting to enjoy his well earned retirement 😂

IMO.

Hes allowed to retire if he wants to.
Have hubby pay the outstanding contributions to your national insurance - so you'll be eligible for full pension once that time arrives.

Plan any expensive trips, household maintenance or large purchases prior to his retirement. So your not left with that responsibility afterwards, or miss out on travel bc he's decided to tighten his purse strings.

Change the system - each of you pays half each for bills, food and other shared life expenses. including saving for emergency spends.

You should not be working simply so he can enjoy retirement.

Each of you then keeps your disposable income to yourselves, to be spent or saved however you like.

And s he's now retired at home, it will make sense for him to the lions share of household admin.

I don't mean, you ignore it entirely but change the framing to "I'll help you with"
Shopping, cooking, laundry, hoovering, dusting etc

In our house, the unspoken rule is, if you see it needs doing, you do it. I don't see as much bc I'm not in the house. Admittedly, his eyesight sometimes fails him. But on the whole, it works.

So in summary, of course he can decide to retire but there'll be more consequences/sacrifices for him to make than you both giving up takeaways.

Absolutely this.

Following on from previous.

I do at least one or more trips solo or with friends or family. OH free to do same.

You cannot forgo the luxuries you work hard for, simply to fund basic life bc he's decided he's ready to retire.

I use Exodus

as they don\t have single supplement charges - unless you want to pay them

and some adventures in many different countries

but I also do weekend breaks solo, Vienna for the Christmas markets, Berlin, Lisbon, Poland, Latvia etc I follow an account on TikTok about getting great value trips

Divorce him before he retires. Take at least half of his retirement.

You took the hit to your career. He now wants you to be the one working when you’re elderly and also being the one to cut back. He wants to sit at home doing nothing. What was the point of you supporting his career for years and raising his children when he expects you to also support him by working while he stays home and does nothing?

Divorce him. It’s the grin that really pisses me off on your behalf.

The house isn’t even paid off yet!! He knows he won’t have enough to retire and expects you to keep paying the mortgage and for you to make sacrifices. Absolutely no way!!

So you're meant to carry on until you retire, shouldering the majority of the bills, including the mortgage while he does what?

Hit the golf course?

Fuck that

Part of the reason I hate men. He seems to think that his pension is bigger because he paid into it. Actually, his pension is bigger because you sacrificed your pension in order to take care of the kids which enabled him to continue paying into a pension and advancing at work. HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT WITHOUT YOU. He is being completely disrespect not having a conversation with you about this and just deciding it for the both of you. If you divorce would you get half of his pension? Worth considering IMO.

You don’t see the problem??

I see the problem. The house isn’t paid off. The OP gave up years of her career - putting her behind in terms of her earning capacity. She birthed and raised three children and now she is expected to be the one who continues to work and being the only one paying the mortgage and have to take a hit to her lifestyle because her husband wants to retire in his 50’s when he has not prepared to retire in his 50’s.

When one person in a marriage decides to take early retirement it isn’t meant to just be sprung on their spouse. It’s meant to be did issue years in advance with a financial plan and give consideration to debts.

It’s not fair - it’s not equitable.

Your only option is to divorce him and take his pension. He will have to continue working. You’ve given up enough.

Divorce him. He’s so selfish.

He's being so selfish.
Out if interest, I wonder what happens legally if he retires and then you split. Would his pension pot be split, or would it count as income then and you wouldn't be able to touch it?

I absolutely plan on retiring before my husband - mostly because I'm older, and because I've prioritised my pension more than he has (despite mine and his Dad's nagging).
But I'll also make sure we have no mortage first (using the lump sum if needed) and that my husband doesn't need to scrimp and reduce our lifestyle because of my decision.
I also don't think I'd be selfish enough to make it so he'd have to work past the age I retire, just because I've picked that age.

More to the point he needs to be topping up her pension while he’s working to compensate her for the fact that she took time out to raise their kids.

He's a selfish git.

He needs to carry on working putting his spare cash into your pension fund until you reach a stage where you can both retire together.

Thanks all - I think what makes me even more angry is that I have always worked - mostly full time, even when I was freelancing and the kids were young I was working evenings and sometimes into weekends to make up for the time I spent taking them into nursery, looking after then if they were ill and needed picking up/taking home etc and all the other stuff. He never once needed to get up in the night. I don’t regret a minute of the time I spent with them but I wish I’d been more pension savvy with my patchwork of jobs at that time - it was all just so hectic. It also took its toll on my health at the time.

I wonder what sort of pension pot size are we talking here, does he have 300k, 500k, 800k?! If you are seriously thinking about divorce, if you get half of a million pound pot, you could sell up your house, use half the equity to buy somewhere small just for yourself (I’m not sure how much you’d get?) then you could probably think about retirement yourself. But as someone else said, if he has already started withdrawing his private pension are you still entitled to the same share?

Women give up work to look after small children and run the household.
A man retiring early doesn't have that responsibility so it's not the same at all.

Having a stay-at-home wife often allows the husband to focus more on his career, earn more, have a better pension etc.

It sounds like you are luckier than most as you are earning a good living at this stage of your life. Most women who stop working for years end up in low-paid jobs when they re-enter the workforce.

You can only pay in missing NI for previous 6 years - if it was before that , she can’t

He may have gotten away with the financial impact of having children but what he doesn’t yet realise is that it might well leave him alone in his retirement.

Well done to you for getting over the initial shock and starting to plan for your own retirement.

So you've got to work till retirement age, because of taking time out to raise your mutual children, and he's able to retire early, albeit on a tight budget? Am I reading this right? Wtaf???what an absolute chancery. I'm sick to f*cking death of reading about these men who seem to think it's ok to sponge of their wives.

What a thoroughly selfish man your DH.
He was more than happy for you to exhaust yourself raising children and not be able to afford to put ££ into a pension and now he wants to make a unilateral decision to retire early, again without any care for his wife at all.
Why have you been paying half the bills on your lower salary?
This man has been sponging off you and taking advantage of you for decades.
You should at least consider divorcing him, taking half his pension and perhaps finding a less selfish man in the future.