Page 12 | DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

Aggyagro · 2025-11-11T18:15:31+00:00

Ok so I know this is his decision, but it will definitely affect us both. We are both early fifties and I am in the situation where due to taking time out of pension contributions and doing freelance work when the 3 DCs were young I know I’ll need to work to retirement age. We go halves on bills, he is the bigger wage earner and I pay the mortgage whereas he does loads of other things. All ok. But now he has started saying that with the DCs all moved out and nearly independent he’ll be looking to take early retirement in the next few years. He’s been paying into his pension and doing all the sums. He says it will mean a sacrifice but it’s ‘doable’. It just means that we will have to do fewer things like takeaways and cut back a bit. Call me mad but I’m struggling to see the advantage to this. When I ask what he plans to do with his time he says ‘nothing,’ with a grin… Then he says maybe travel more, but then I point out that I’ll still be working and that we’ll have less money, which doesn’t seem to work logically. I can see a few problems ahead, or am I just being selfish?

BringBackCatsEyes · 12/11/2025 14:03

The problem lies in the very first words of your OP “I know it’s his decision”.
It really isn’t.

Mum2Fergus · 12/11/2025 14:05

Financial · 12/11/2025 05:36

You don’t retire when you still have a mortgage

I don’t like his ‘nothing’ reply tbh
He should be doing everything else that needs to be done if you’re still working.

Of course you can. I’m early retired and still have mortgage…investment returns are higher than mortgage rate so pointless paying it off.

DierdreDaphne · 12/11/2025 14:10

BringBackCatsEyes · 12/11/2025 14:03

The problem lies in the very first words of your OP “I know it’s his decision”.
It really isn’t.

Exactly. Is he married or not????

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2025 14:31

Early 50s, IT, refused management? Hmm. I wonder if he’s planning to jump before he’s pushed. DH works in IT and so much of what staff used to do is now 2 minutes work in ChatGPT. Unless you’re keeping up with AI, quantum and a whole lot of other things, you’ll be obsolete in 6 months, never mind years.

Time for a serious chat.

justasking111 · 12/11/2025 14:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2025 14:31

Early 50s, IT, refused management? Hmm. I wonder if he’s planning to jump before he’s pushed. DH works in IT and so much of what staff used to do is now 2 minutes work in ChatGPT. Unless you’re keeping up with AI, quantum and a whole lot of other things, you’ll be obsolete in 6 months, never mind years.

Time for a serious chat.

I suspect that's our WFH IT neighbour. He's an arrogant ass.

SecretNameAsImShy · 12/11/2025 14:40

I didn't think you could draw from a pension until you were 55, soon to be 57. If my DH did this without talking it through with me first, I would be livid. I'm struggling too with the 50/50 share of the bills. Throughout our marriage my DH has earned way more than me and he pays the lion's share of the bills.

Sorry, OP but your husband sounds very selfish! Call his bluff and tell him you're going to retire too and see what his reaction is then!

cestlavielife · 12/11/2025 16:52

It depends what the figures are surely?
But talking about zero takeaways sounds like his pension wont be much...or can his lump sum pay off the mortgage?
Will he going from 5k a month to 2k or 2k to 1k? Or 10k to 5k? Investments and other property? Etc .

EvelynBeatrice · 12/11/2025 17:15

Aggyagro · 11/11/2025 21:17

Thanks again - just to answer a few of the points, yes I am full time and think I will be for the foreseeable to be able to get a decent pension at retirement age. While DH did pay more to the household finances when the DCs were young and I was earning less, he was always able to keep paying into private pension plans and I was always the one that got up at night and was called into school if the DCs ever needed it. I have also always worked although my career took a back seat when they were toddlers and I was freelancing and not paying into a pension fund. I also feel that now, finally, I could start paying extra into my pension but if her retires early that will be less of an option for me…

!!!! Why on earth aren’t you asking him to equalise your pension/ lower earnings for your years of childbearing and caring?!! Didn’t he want children? Were they conceived by donor?!!

wfhwfh · 12/11/2025 17:38

EvelynBeatrice · 12/11/2025 17:15

!!!! Why on earth aren’t you asking him to equalise your pension/ lower earnings for your years of childbearing and caring?!! Didn’t he want children? Were they conceived by donor?!!

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Unless there is a massive dripfeed and the children are not the OP’s husband, then this post is exactly correct.

I dont get this growing trend for married couples with mutual children to maintain “separate finances”. It doesn’t work when your biggest expenses are necessarily child-related. What happens is women end up being essentially financially abused by having to fund their maternity leave out of their own savings. And childcare costs being treated as wholly the mother’s cost to fund out of her salary. Or, as here, the mother sacrificing earnings to raise the children and then having to scrabble around to make up deficits in her pension fund.

It’s like married women have to be as financially independent as single mothers - all the while cooking their husband’s tea and washing his socks (and allowing him to be a father with zero lifestyle impact) . And, as so many pp have pointed out, legally your finances are joint. She would likely be entitled to 50% of his pension if she left him so why is the husband trying to peddle this fallacy whilst theyre married? I do think it verges on financial abuse.

Chazbots · 12/11/2025 17:44

Rather than an IFA, you really need a Chartered Financial Planner.

Plus you can see about your pension with an appointment with Pensionwise, if over 50.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/11/2025 19:13

wfhwfh · 12/11/2025 17:38

Unless there is a massive dripfeed and the children are not the OP’s husband, then this post is exactly correct.

I dont get this growing trend for married couples with mutual children to maintain “separate finances”. It doesn’t work when your biggest expenses are necessarily child-related. What happens is women end up being essentially financially abused by having to fund their maternity leave out of their own savings. And childcare costs being treated as wholly the mother’s cost to fund out of her salary. Or, as here, the mother sacrificing earnings to raise the children and then having to scrabble around to make up deficits in her pension fund.

It’s like married women have to be as financially independent as single mothers - all the while cooking their husband’s tea and washing his socks (and allowing him to be a father with zero lifestyle impact) . And, as so many pp have pointed out, legally your finances are joint. She would likely be entitled to 50% of his pension if she left him so why is the husband trying to peddle this fallacy whilst theyre married? I do think it verges on financial abuse.

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Incredibly well put - not ‘having it all’ - more of the ‘doing it all’ - expected to be fully contributing and paying the bills but for many a far bigger load of the domestic too

Commonsense101 · 12/11/2025 19:35

justasking111 · 12/11/2025 13:59

Complacency, that's our neighbour. He's in IT preventing hacks in gambling sites. His wife had four children, his idea. She and her mother cared for them because he's very important ya know.

Well we suspect he's got lazy, because now granny looks after the kids, mums out working, he's still working from home but finds time for long cycle rides in his lycra.

He's living the dream with two women doing all the grunt work.

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20 years in It benefit from it stocks high paying career field and affords his family to benefit you just don't know anything. Most guys I know in their 50s are extremely wealthy from It backgrounds benefited from tech stocks but invest so you don't see it on display

Therealjudgejudy · 12/11/2025 19:46

This really doesn't sit right with me op...

Original poster

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 20:57

wfhwfh · 12/11/2025 17:38

Unless there is a massive dripfeed and the children are not the OP’s husband, then this post is exactly correct.

I dont get this growing trend for married couples with mutual children to maintain “separate finances”. It doesn’t work when your biggest expenses are necessarily child-related. What happens is women end up being essentially financially abused by having to fund their maternity leave out of their own savings. And childcare costs being treated as wholly the mother’s cost to fund out of her salary. Or, as here, the mother sacrificing earnings to raise the children and then having to scrabble around to make up deficits in her pension fund.

It’s like married women have to be as financially independent as single mothers - all the while cooking their husband’s tea and washing his socks (and allowing him to be a father with zero lifestyle impact) . And, as so many pp have pointed out, legally your finances are joint. She would likely be entitled to 50% of his pension if she left him so why is the husband trying to peddle this fallacy whilst theyre married? I do think it verges on financial abuse.

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No dripfeed and they are his children! 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 20:58

Today I have sorted additional voluntary contributions and have told him that I think it’s a great idea that we both retire at the same time. Interestingly he started to mention the mortgage….

OP posts:

QuenchedSquirrel · 12/11/2025 21:01

Good for you OP!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/11/2025 21:10

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 20:58

Today I have sorted additional voluntary contributions and have told him that I think it’s a great idea that we both retire at the same time. Interestingly he started to mention the mortgage….

Oh did he now! Pah! That didn't cross his mind when he was sitting making his own selfish plans. Selfish prick

RubyMentor · 12/11/2025 21:12

How long do you have left on your mortgage? Did your DH intend paying it off with his lump sum?

Original poster

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 21:15

RubyMentor · 12/11/2025 21:12

How long do you have left on your mortgage? Did your DH intend paying it off with his lump sum?

No he didn’t mention paying it off with his lump sum, but said we’d need to look at how we might get mortgage free if I was going to try to retire as well! 🧐 Obvious backtrack much?

OP posts:

Shoutygouty · 12/11/2025 21:20

He is still sounding insufferable. Do you want to retire with him? In theory or actually!?

justasking111 · 12/11/2025 21:22

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 21:15

No he didn’t mention paying it off with his lump sum, but said we’d need to look at how we might get mortgage free if I was going to try to retire as well! 🧐 Obvious backtrack much?

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Hahaha

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/11/2025 22:07

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 21:15

No he didn’t mention paying it off with his lump sum, but said we’d need to look at how we might get mortgage free if I was going to try to retire as well! 🧐 Obvious backtrack much?

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So selfish AND financially illiterate then?
Whenever retirement happens, for him or you, take zero notice of his calculations on affordability- he clearly hasn’t got a clue!

Original poster

Aggyagro · 12/11/2025 22:13

I can’t thank everyone who replied enough. I have a fresh perspective, additional voluntary contributions sorted and am now able to sit back and consider whether retirement with this person is still on my wishlist!

OP posts:

Pjdaysese · 12/11/2025 22:16

What a selfish twat, and a moron.
Respectfully OP, he thinks you are a chump.
Stop paying towards anything while you top those voluntary contributions.
Any lump sum is obviously for the morgage.
But get all paperwork copied.
I wouldn't trust a man that would use you as he has and continues to think he can.
Awful.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 12/11/2025 22:19

TooBored1 · 11/11/2025 18:19

This IS a joint decision - your pension was affected by taking time out to raise children, so you should both work until you can both retire. He is being selfish, not you.

why not divorce him to get half of his pension 😜🤣 just a thought…