Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

[Jennalovescats]

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

If she has family visiting and staying she has all the support network she needs.

I would leave her to get on with it and she can contact you when shes ready.

Obviously by that point you can also decide if you want to remain friends or, if you have moved on.

Can you contact the partner or brother to check she’s ok?

Thank you this is what we are thinking too. It’s a real shame as our children thought they would have met the little one and were excited and have been inviting them
to their parties

Gosh that sounds difficult. Are you concerned she’s depressed? It’s very unusual to hide your baby away like that for so long. Has anyone seen or heard from her? How do you know the brother is staying over, did she tell you?

We are starting to worry it’s the partner who is refusing to let people see them as he has refused to let people share photos of the baby and hasn’t thanked for gifts/ messages etc

Hmmm I would be worried she is unwell or being controlled but if it’s choice - what a shame.

Maybe baby is poorly and they are adjusting. Maybe mum is poorly

People change when a baby comes. Wait and see

Her brother and I bumped into each other at the gym I asked how she was and the baby and he kind of sighed and said he’s having to go round there a lot when her partner is away but that his boyfriends entire family has met the baby within its first week of being home (new partner of less than a year) I am trying to be supportive but it stings. we were each others maid of honours I don’t know what has happened

I've known people do this sort of thing after their first baby. They seem to pull up the drawbridge and withdraw, I think they are basically coming to terms with becoming a mother and all that entails. In can be quite a shock and they need to get their head around it and work out what they are doing day to day.

Not sure if this is the situation with your friend but my friends who behaved like this, did come out of it in the end. Try not to take it personally and as others have said, if seems she has a network around her, so hopefully it is just that.

Thank you we will just wait and be here when she needs us. She is missing a lot of important things eg our friend has just been told she is clear of cancer and she didn’t come round or send a text/ present etc which is very unlike her

Can you just pop round? Bring a bunch of flowers and knock on the door ‘I was in Tesco, saw these and thought of you. Shall we have a cup of tea if it’s a good time?’

I would also be worried, perhaps about PPD as that’s what I had, but it could be all kinds of things. A knock on the door will tell you if she’s ok and just hibernating, or not ok.

I would check with her partner personally just a breezy how is she/they doing. I think it is odd that you haven't seen your friend since having her baby.

A couple of our friends did this with a card and were told they couldn’t come in because his friends were there and then had the door shut in their faces and no text/call to come back another time/ meet up so we at first thought they had fallen out with this couple
lord knows I just hate feeling she isn’t coping but don’t want to push their boundaries any further

I think I’d try this.

If her brother is sighing then it does sound like all might not be running smoothly, I wouldn't take it personally it doesn't matter who has seen the baby, but if she is ignoring her friends she might be overwhelmed.

Have you phoned her ?

Yes have phoned and texted invited to numerous places. And then seen she is out with a work friend and the baby it is getting very strange

It is quite weird,

Having had twins myself and them coming round the day we got back from the hospital I just thought it would be the same and we could all support each other.

If she is being invited to numerous things maybe it’s too much tbh. I would back off. When my first baby was born I cancelled my friend’s visit one day after having a bad night and she showed up anyway, when I didn’t answer the door she shouted through the letterbox!! I found it really pushy and invasive, maybe your friend feels bombarded and just wants time to figure things out rather than being inundated with requests to meet baby. I’m sure she’ll reach out to your group in her own time. An 18 week old baby is still tiny.

Very true we will lay off a bit and see if that helps her

I think this is very worrying. Her brother's comments are a bit odd - did you dig a bit further? So he is the only person in her family/friends group wo is allowed to see her and the baby and only when her partner's away?

For a university mate I've been friends with this long and who I was this close to, I'd get a lot more proactive myself. I'd be calling her brother and asking a lot more questions and laying out my concerns a LOT more closely (assuming the brother is, as far as you know, a good/honest guy). Becuase this sounds like one or both of rampant PND or a very controlling relationship, and your friend is going to need help.

Baby might have a birth defect such as a port of wine stain in its face and she doesn’t want people to gossip.

that would be enough for her to stay well away! Why do children need to meet a newvborn?

That aside, keep messaging her from time to time (not harassing her) so she knows you are there when she feels like visitors.

Usually friends offer to drop food and something when a new mum comes home, without even coming in, did you do that? did she refuse?

Honestly op id just leave it there is only so much you can try.
You have you life to get on with.