Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

[Jennalovescats]

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I'd ask the brother to let know when the partner is working away and pop round then. I wouldn't take things personally and i wouldn't speculate. You can leave the door open but you can't make her walk through it.

You sound like a really lovely, caring friend.
id also be concerned

4.5 months is a long time, so I understand your worries. I hope her and the baby are well.
You can only wait for whatever it is to pass or reveal itself.

Why would ‘people’ want to share pictures of this baby? Share with whom?

But you've been told she has indeed been getting outside, bringing the baby with and meeting at least one friend. Did you ask the sighing brother why he is obliged to be at the house when the partner is away? Maybe the new mum needs physical assistance with the house.
Whose partner is new, and on the scene less than a year? The mother’s? I ask, because you are perhaps betraying one or two flashes in your thread of feeling miffed for you rather than concerned about her.
Maybe there is someone in your friends group whom the mum cannot bear to see now for some reason, and barring the whole group is the safest guarantee that she’ll not ambush her!
The only things that matter are the health and good spirits of the mother and baby at the moment, and you've been reassured (kind of) on this.
Her right to privacy, and her requests about this or that visitor at home, trump any entitlements felt beyond her own little family, and no doubt she’ll get back in touch with you when the time is right.

Even if the father is being heavyhanded regarding visitors, it’s not really your business, and her brother is surely well placed to seek advice, even intervention, should there really be any concern. I certainly hope so.

If she’s acting out of character it’s more than likely she is struggling with something. We have a friend who is acting similar, baby 8 months and we’ve never met baby. Found out recently she is struggling with some sort of separation anxiety and doesn’t want anyone near the baby, no one is allowed to touch baby (those few people who have met baby). Her partner doesn’t want to risk upsetting her so hasn’t brought the baby themselves to see friends and family.
Maybe your friend is experiencing something similar but her partner is not as tolerant and still allowing his family round

My very close friend did this a few years ago and I just gave her a wide birth after asking to go and meet the baby a few times and eventually she got in touch and we’re now close again (she never said why/what had gone on)

I’d be pretty worried too tbh. Have you had contact with her at all since the baby was born? Partner sounds odd. I would go round again when he’s likely to be out to check on her, something seems off.

Are you sure this isn’t domestic abuse? She’s been with him less than a year and all his family have met the baby? What does she say when you ring her? Have you told her you’re very worried about her? Genuinely I would be thinking along these lines and whether she is vulnerable being postpartum?

Seems off. Could she be angry at you about something?

OP I would be much more concerned about the partner. Have you met him? What are your thoughts? I think you said they had been together less than a year? His friends have met the baby but hers haven't. Her friends got shoved out in favour of his. Her brother (permitted male chaperone) has to go over when partner is not there. Her behaviour seems to have changed a lot and she is not seeing people who clearly were previously very important to her.

It could be that having a baby has changed her as a person or she is struggling with her MH but I am much more concerned that she is in a coercive/controlling relationship and he is isolating her from her friends.

Maybe she just parents differently to you?
It used to be the norm for everyone you've ever met to turn up & expect to hold your newborn baby. It's now more accepted to say no, I dont want visitors, I'm happy in my family unit & I'm not passing my baby round like a shiny new toy.
As long as she's seeing family & leaving the house regularly its not for anyone else to judge.

Can you go round when the partner is away?

What’s the partner normally like?

That is unusual. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this, I hope she’s OK (maybe PND?)

I agree. It does sound like she may be in a coercive relationship. Could you contact the local health visiting team and express your concerns? They won't be able to tell you anything but could do a home visit to check on her and baby if they haven't seen her recently. They wouldn't tell her who had contacted them and wouldn't tell you the outcome of any visit. But hopefully you would be reassured that someone was aware of your concerns and was visiting.
Keep offering support, don't expect too much, invite her to your house for a coffee at a time when your house will be quiet.

Is it the brother's partner that he's been with for under a year and whose family have all met the baby, or is it the DP of the new mum?

This is very worrying. The only time I’ve known this was when my friend suddenly disappeared after her baby. Turns out her baby had Down’s syndrome and she was trying to deal with new perspectives and a number of health difficulties.
id be worried about her. I’m sorry

Maybe the baby has some thing such as Down’s syndrome or hare lip or other deformity. and they don’t want anyone to see. More likely the husband who’s the problem as women tend to love their baby whatever

His friends are there but hers can't meet the baby ? This whole situation absolutely stinks and id be very worried her partner is abusive and controlling her it very often only appears during pregnancy or after birth . I'd speak to the brother again tell him your concerns and just let him know you're all really concerned about her sudden shift in behaviour .

OP do you think you could reach out to the brother again and explain what you've said here and that you're worried about her but don't know how to support her

The baby is four and a half months, so not newborn. I'm assuming she's been going to clinic etc? If you live in the same village, have you or your friends seen her out and about at all? it sounds like she does go out if she's met up with another friend as you say. Also she has had the brother's new partner round to meet the baby, so it sounds like she is getting together with others. If it's not her partner controlling the situation, as others have suggested it might be, could it be that it's your group of friends that she doesn't want to see? How were things before she had the baby? Did you and the others give her advice on motherhood that she may not have liked, especially if you all have your own children and suggested to her how to do things? If that's the case then she may feel that you all will judge her and tell her what to do. You may have not had had those intentions at all, but she may have seen it like that. Look back at the months of her pregnancy and what you talked about during your meet ups. It may shed some light hopefully.

Similar happened with a friend of mine. Started acting strangely as soon as she was pregnant. Hid her pregnancy until she was full time and couldn’t hide it any longer.
No one could meet the baby. No pictures. We all thought it was disabled because it was all so odd. Eventually we did meet the child when it was almost a year old. Nothing wrong at all.
By this point we were almost 2 years in of trying and trying with her and most of us have given up.
We invite her to stuff now but she never comes. We don’t ask to see the baby anymore. We barely speak. It’s sad. Used to be a close group of friends but she’s gone. Nothing to do with the husband in this case.
Honestly I think I’d try once more and turn up when the husband is away and the brother is at work. But if you still get nowhere I’d leave it

How did you all get along with the partner before she had the baby? Is he friends with you or your partners?
I’d be worried too. It’s an ofd situation, for sure.

She might be struggling with the maelstrom of post partum life, when I had my son I found I could barely leave the house and friends literally forced me to let them in by turning up at the door with food 😅😆

just be there when she returns, she'll be going through alot as a new mother, hormones are nuts, things may be challenging with baby (mine had a tongue tie, couldn't breastfeed, had milk allergy, cried and cried and cried) and so it probably isn't how she imagined things either.

edited as read another update, his friends being there and not hers is a red flag:(

What a sad attitude. The friend appears to be struggling postnatally rather than ghosting her. I hope the op will continue to be available if the friend needs