Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

[Jennalovescats]

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

You are not remotely worried about her. Not. At. All. You're just nosy. Move on, she clearly has.

Hang on the partner is only a year in? She got pregnant and is now cutting her friends off? Sounds like coercion to me. Dig deeper with her brother.

What is wrong with people? So someone you have know for years and is a close friend has a baby. They don't get in touch at all following the birth and ignore all messages, phone calls etc. and you think the OP is being nosy? If everyone thought like you what an uncaring world it would be.

It's well known that abuse (of all forms) often starts during pregnancy or after birth. The partner thinks the woman is now trapped so he can show his true self that he's disguised up to now.

There are many reasons why she might be acting like this, but I'd be very much on the alert for abuse in the form of coercive control - and others that may be going on behind closed doors.

Honestly, I think this is becoming quite common. I remember as a teenager I would see pictures of celebrities having just given birth out in the park, nowadays it’s gone the complete polar opposite people hid away. I’ve known some people to disappear for 6 months reappear healthy, well slept and losing weight. They literally just wait until they feel better.

Is it possible that the baby has a cleft palate or a large birthmark? I have known of people who don't want anyone to see their baby for such reasons.

she’s most likely still adjusting to becoming a new mummy, she most likely isn’t doing it on purpose and may well still be in her baby bubble and not realised how you & her other friends are feeling. I’d try not to take it personally and hopefully she’ll soon be ready for friends to meet the baby.
it’s a strange one, I’m just like your friend but never thought I would be! My baby is 10 months old and I’ve just realised (from reading your post!) that none of my friends have met her!
not because I don’t want them too but because it took me a while to fully adjust to being a mummy - the sleepless nights at the beginning , healing from a c-section, caring for the baby and keeping on top of the endless housework! Then have my mum, dad & in-laws visiting weekly, the weekly shop to do, trying to enjoy maternity leave with my baby and popping to baby groups. Trying to remember to feed myself!
some mummies must adapt much quicker or have more support or can multi-task much better but if your friend is like me, she’s most likely just surviving and keeping her head above water and has a huge to-do list and friends unfortunately have been pushed to the bottom, but not because she’s being unkind.
have you reached out to her and told her how you feel?
because none of my friends have so I wouldn’t even know if they were hurt because of my actions (even though it’s all unintentional). She may suddenly realise if you told her :)

At 10mo, you've just realised none of your friends have met your baby??!

This does sound weird and there is obviously something going on. My first thought was some sort of issue/birth defect or something and she just needs to get her head around it and close people like family she feel safest with. She could in addition or instead, have severe mental health issues post birth, post partum psychosis, hence the brother staying over which is weird. My husband had to work away when our baby was 3 months old and would not have dreamt of asking anyone to stay over unless there was a major problem with one of us. Don't think its controlling husband cos how would that explain the brother.

What?! How can you only just have realised this, this more strange than the OP

3 weeks old* not months

Just a different perspective as it has been mentioned that she has met up with a friend outside the group… is there any chance you guys have been a bit overbearing? If she thinks maybe this has become a bit of a ‘thing’ now in the group and feels like she’s being talked about, maybe she’s just stepping back. I wonder if there’s a way you can show her you care about her friendship not just about seeing baby and inviting her baby to your children’s parties.

Get on with your life but this is a bit worrying.

I would have a small gift, a meal, flowers to take over there at no notice - just a pop in without your children - when you are absolutely sure that the partner is not there.

Then the friend and her brother will not have the pressure and are more likely to say hello.

Your group sound like a great bunch of caring friends OP and are being treated very badly IMO.

If she’s struggling with MH or the baby has health issues, she or her partner could have dropped a text thanking you all for cards/presents and just giving a heads up that she’s taking some time out to heal/focus on baby and will be in touch when she’s ready rather than making a big drama of ignoring messages, shutting doors in faces, and not having basic manners so to make people worry about her.

She must know what you’re all like as you’ve been friends for so long and you say you’re close so why not say what’s going on?

She has her brother there (who would surely be concerned if her DH was being abusive or controlling, and the DH obviously isn’t trying to isolate her from family) and is OK to go out with work friends so I wouldn’t worry too much TBH.

It’s terrible behaviour after she felt OK to visit you the day you came out of hospital after having twins and is now being so precious about you all visiting after she had her baby and quite some time ago.

Did she feel that she wasn’t congratulated quickly enough or given enough attention leading up to the birth? I can only think she felt slighted or insulted by something said or done and is punishing you all for it?

Did anything happen/was said at the baby shower? Any meet ups just before the birth?

Women give birth every day, it’s been over 4 months, most would be happy to have good friends who are excited for them and keen to welcome the baby, even their children are in this case!

I’d just leave her to it and focus on the rest of the friendship group. I don’t think there much to worry about if she’s out and about and has family support.

So she is seeing some friends,

I would just leave it now, you’ve done enough to try a d reach her and she has family support.

What does she say in response to invites?

The baby isn't a toy or a fairground attraction.

All this. Sorry OP you all sound like a lovely bunch. Just let it go for now. People can be very odd.

Definitely some flag… unsure of the colour.

Another option is that maybe her birth wasn’t great or the baby has some obvious health issues (Downs?) Maybe the work friend has been through similar and recognised something- or maybe they knew something before the birth.

I think it would be OK if you said to her that you were worried about her, but will be there is she wants to chat and leave it at that.

What is wrong with some of you??

It’s not normal for your friends to have not met your well no longer a newborn. It’s not normal that every-time your partner goes away for work a family member/ brother has to move in and it’s also not normal that the family of your brothers new partner has met the baby, but the mother can’t engage with any friends.

Op it’s most likely one of two things, an abusive partner. It’s unfortunate thing that abuse starts after a woman falls pregnant.
Or she’s struggling with PPD. Those first few months of motherhood are a massive learning curve, but not to engage with friends is concerning.
I also wouldn’t read too much into her seeing one work friend. It could be part of the isolation attempt and that’s she was part of her superficial friend group and approved to stay in her life or said work friend has better timing/ was pusher that the rest of you.

I don’t have any advice on what to do, but you aren’t being “nosy” it’s normal to be concerned that a very old close friend has had a baby and dropped off the face of the earth.

This was my thought . There is something about the baby they are coming to terms with themselves before feeling confident to introduce others to her

Have you ever thought they maybe just want this time for themselves? Maybe they are happy in their little family bubble? There’s no obligation to include a wider circle of people. That’s fine. That’s their choice. Back off a bit.

Had you otherwise seen friend regularly prior to her giving birth?

If so I’d agree it’s odd. I would try to have a further chat with the brother.

18 weeks is no longer a tiny baby, but as others have said perhaps there is something wrong with the baby that she is struggling to share.

I think a controlling partner but not much you can do.

I'm not sure this is the right approach, unless you agree you've been overwhelming her a bit.

If someone in my group of friends had a baby and we hadn't seen them for over 4 months, someone would have reached out by this point to check in and ask if everything was OK, especially if they'd turned down several invitations to meet up.

But it depends on a few things, how regularly you're normally in contact, how often you would normally see each other. If you're a close knit group then it would seem totally normal to me to reach out and ask if they were OK - just don't make it about meeting the baby.

To be totally honest I think you and your group of friends are starting to hassle her. She clearly wants some space from the friendship right now, none of you are giving her it. Whether it’s because she’s struggling with motherhood or has something else going on, sometimes you need to just let someone deal with it in their own way and seek the professional advice she might be engaging with etc.

If she is going through a rough time, she might not think old friends from university are the right people to seek support from. She might be feeling some pressure from the contact and expectation to be social and be there for others when she isn’t in the best headspace. She might just be of the opinion that she needs a break to recharge before jumping back into the friendship, or maybe she made the decision to permanently pull back. Just leave her to it, if your friendship was mutually strong, she’ll come back in her own time.