Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

[Jennalovescats]

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

An 18 week old baby isnt still tiny, one of mine was dragging himself around the floor at that age, a couple of weeks perhaps nut most people still see close friends in that time, even if just for a quick cuppa.

I would be concerned about her also if I was you. Its so hard to know what to do, but periodically checking in is probably all you can do.

Is possible the baby could have something like Down syndrome and she isn't ready to discuss it?

…much more likely that the new(ish) partner / Dad to the baby, is using this as a convenient excuse to separate her from her friends.

I would be keeping a very close eye on things.

If the partner is away a lot, and you know her brother, would it be possible to pop round with flowers/cake/coffee when the partner isn’t there? The brother might help. Might have to be a sneaky game to be played if you are being isolated.

Odd that she made it out with her baby and a work friend though

Really worrying. I'd suspect the partner is controlling and pressuring her to avoid friends. Do you know him at all? Or can you try to find out about him? (in case he has a history)

I thought that - she also met her brother's partners family.

So she clearly meeting people and going out and about.

Perhaps it's just OP group maybe if they have older kids she worried about them being rowdy - I know even my older kids seemed huge when younger ones were babies.

Other than periodically poping by or inviting her to things not sure there is much to be done - she clearly has a support network if her brother's round so much.

I don't normally like to speculate but if it was 'just' depression or taking time to adjust or even a disability in the baby, I think her or her partner would have encouraged contact with friends to help her. Sounds like this partner is trying to separate her and the baby from those who are concerned for her wellbeing.

Sometimes when the partner is controlling there is "acceptable" friends, not that i am saying the partner is, but that can happen.

Are you really as close as you say you are?

When I had my dd i kept her away from everyone around me because they were bullying me. I had no-one but people who would say shit like 'no idea whats wrong with her' after having bullied me 😄

More power to her if thats the case, sorry op

R u sure she really has had the baby? Sounds awful to suggest but there’s been crazy things happening in the news about girls saying they’re pregnant when they aren’t. Think false dolls storylines. Shocking. If u know she’s defo had the baby just keep her included in invites etc. she either is really pnd or something is wrong. I would like to think she is just really protective and taking her time and keeping baby in but maybe if there’s something wrong speak to brother who can maybe speak to health visitor?
sorry just reading all the other posts so yeah if u know they baby is defo there then it sounds like she is being deliberately elusive and that is on her, her choice or yeah she she has a partner problem. Can u reach to her other family, her mum or that?
or just send her a txt and say she knows where u are kind of thing. Not nice I know but u can’t keep chasing her forever. But I get it too if she is being abused.

Your children are disappointed because they were excited to invite a small baby to their parties?

I agree that it’s worrying if your friend is struggling in some way, but your children are absolutely not principal characters here, their feelings are not relevant to this situation.

This was my first thought too.

Or perhaps she herself was badly damaged during birth.

I think she will come to you when she is ready, send the odd text, perhaps send a gift and leave the ball in her court. If you push too much you might come across as overbearing and it will push her away more if she is struggling.

If you live close just drop by with a present and to see the baby. If you are blocked at the door I might worry.

Just leave them to it.

For whatever reason, they want to cut everybody off.So let them. Just be ready to hear from her at some point, but you may not.

Oh that is worrying

Who sent the visiting friends away and shut the door on them, the husband? If it was i think there could be a problem and shes trapped.

id speak to the brother if you know where to get hold of him and raise concerns. And ask him what’s up.
Is it her.
Is it the husband.
Is the baby sick or disfigured or what.
Somethings not right.

Then I might assume some problem with the baby that they are having trouble coming to terms with. Give them space, they may need you and their other friends later.

When I had my dd i kept her away from everyone around me because they were bullying me. I had no-one but people who would say shit like 'no idea whats wrong with her' after having bullied me

May not even be bullying just unasked for advice.

I was drowing in it with family - friends with older kids acting like they knew more about pg and my baby than me were just worse.

I thought I made sure not to do that with Dsis but I think Mum was citing me as a source or I was as Dsis seem to feel I was - so to my regret didn't go closer but more apart.

It's possible it's the partner restricting her access to people - but again her brother his parnter and wider family and workmate have all seen her and the baby. It's just possible she not in the mood for this friendship group at the moment.

It sounds like she’s perhaps got PND or had a very difficult birth and isn’t up to managing alone yet or seeing people.
I would back off for a bit then try messaging her again in a few weeks

It is yes, .

What was she like before the baby arrived? Confident, outgoing, excited to share with you all? Or becoming more distant already, possibly because of partner?

I'd be worried about her too, sounds like you've tried a lot of the things I would suggest.

Have you tried asking out if you've done something wrong?

What about her mum, is she still around. Could you give her a call and say how much your miss your friend and ask if everything is okay?

Is she the same clinic /Dr? I once voiced concerns to my hv about a friend....

You have to adjust your expectations. Whatever the reason is she’s not ready/ unwilling to have you over yet. To be honest I found adjusting to having a child very difficult and wished nobody would come over, and especially offer their 2 cents. I just wanted to take my time and do things my way (rightly or wrongly).