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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

148 replies

Jennalovescats · 11/11/2025 15:20

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

OP posts:
Halfwaytheree · 12/11/2025 08:28

TheAlertLimeSnail · 12/11/2025 07:23

I'm not sure this is the right approach, unless you agree you've been overwhelming her a bit.

If someone in my group of friends had a baby and we hadn't seen them for over 4 months, someone would have reached out by this point to check in and ask if everything was OK, especially if they'd turned down several invitations to meet up.

But it depends on a few things, how regularly you're normally in contact, how often you would normally see each other. If you're a close knit group then it would seem totally normal to me to reach out and ask if they were OK - just don't make it about meeting the baby.

Edited

I read all of OP’s posts and I think it’s clear that they’ve already checked if she’s okay, and some have gone a step further and shown up at her doorstep. There’s been numerous text messages, phone calls, invitations out, requests for photos. It really seems they have already gone beyond checking if she’s okay.

Stormyday34 · 12/11/2025 08:34

It’s hard to know whether there’s cause concern or whether that’s just her way of managing.

I was not someone who liked going to baby groups, making Mum friends are going out and about with my newborn and meeting up with people. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with me. I just found the first six months overwhelming and needed space and time to get my head around things. The idea of friends coming round with loads of boisterous older kids and continually inviting me to things would have really freaked me out. But then it sounds like your situation is different where you all live in the same village. I was in London and all my friends were spread across the country so nobody really popped in and I didn’t really see anybody in those first months.

QuickPeachPoet · 12/11/2025 08:36

No way is this normal.
Backing off and letting things lie is exactly how women who are in violent relationships end up getting killed.

TheAlertLimeSnail · 12/11/2025 08:47

Halfwaytheree · 12/11/2025 08:28

I read all of OP’s posts and I think it’s clear that they’ve already checked if she’s okay, and some have gone a step further and shown up at her doorstep. There’s been numerous text messages, phone calls, invitations out, requests for photos. It really seems they have already gone beyond checking if she’s okay.

Edited

I've read all of OP's posts too and yes, they've been in contact with her multiple times (she mentions calls, texts and numerous invitations) but I'm not clear if OP/anyone in the group has actually said 'Friend, I'm just checking everything is OK as we haven't seen you since the baby was born and we're just a bit worried about you. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help or if you just need a bit of space. We'll be here when you need us' etc or if the focus has been more on meeting up with the baby.

If OP/someone has already done this and she's not responded, then I'm not sure what more they can do (I don't think turning up unannounced is helpful for a new mum, generally). As before, if this is a close knit group who normally see a lot of each other then I would be concerned and would potentially reach out to the brother to share those concerns.

Whichone2024 · 12/11/2025 08:58

JillMW · 11/11/2025 21:45

Yes! I think maybe the Uni friends sound very full on. I could not have coped with all she seems expected to do with them when I had a new baby. After a few weeks maybe it seemed easier to be with less overbearing people. She has been seen with a work friend, her brothers partners family have met the baby that seems normal. It seems like maybe it is this set of friends she does not wish to see.

Yes wonder why , I guess if OP knew why she could stop wondering 🤔

PullingOutHair123 · 12/11/2025 10:27

It might also be you guys know her too well, and while she can mask and pretend stuff is ok to others she doesn't know as well, you guys would see right through any level of pretence that thinks are OK.

I would make contact with the brother and say pretty much what you've said here. If the boyfriend is awful, he will have an idea. If there is a problem with your friend (PND etc) then again he will know. He might not say, but if he's aware that your group are there and worried about his sister it may influence something.

I would not just walk away. That's a shitty thing to do to a friend who is obviously got stuff going on. But agree, all turning up on mass at the door at 7am one morning won't help either! Perhaps just keep her in the group chats, send her some funny meme's, let her know that you are all still there and thinking of her without the pressure.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/11/2025 10:57

Your first post mentions you’re feeling “left out”, which is understandable, but try to think of it as nothing personal. To me, it sounds like she just wants some peace and quiet and is getting overwhelmed by the continual contact and invites from you and your friend group. Some people would rather not say that outright, but just ignore and not engage in the hope that you’ll get the message.

We’re all different. When I got out of hospital with one of my DC who was quite ill at birth, I was exhausted and stressed and just wanted to be alone. However, a colleague knocked at my door the day after we got back. I ignored her and didn’t answer. From my upstairs window, I could see she had a card in her hand so assumed she’d just put it through the letterbox and go. But she didn’t. She went - but she came back twice the next day still feeling the need to get me to open the door so she could hand me the card rather than put it through the letterbox! By this stage, I was quite pissed off with her. She was a lovely woman, nothing nasty or strange about her, but her ideas of what was wanted and normal were very different from mine. I certainly wouldn’t have sent her a photo of my baby btw, because it would have ended up on a billion Facebook pages. Again, just her doing what she thinks is fine and normal, but I didn’t want photos of my children online.

Four and a half months is still young. I found I really started going out more at 6+ months as baby sat up more, fed less, etc. It’s hardly weird, especially as she’s been seen out with others.

Keep in touch with her brother and ask after her when you see him, but back off and leave her alone for a bit.

crappycrapcrap · 12/11/2025 11:05

She’s probably drowning in
post partum depression

Theslummymummy · 12/11/2025 11:08

So you don't know what's going on but have called her overprotective and questioning her decisions. Maybe she's knackered and doesn't want guests around.

AnnoraFoyle · 12/11/2025 14:52

Jennalovescats · 11/11/2025 15:29

Her brother and I bumped into each other at the gym I asked how she was and the baby and he kind of sighed and said he’s having to go round there a lot when her partner is away but that his boyfriends entire family has met the baby within its first week of being home (new partner of less than a year) I am trying to be supportive but it stings. we were each others maid of honours I don’t know what has happened

Why do you think that you have a right to see the baby? They're family, you're not.

AnnoraFoyle · 12/11/2025 15:04

biteybpob · 11/11/2025 17:39

Your children are disappointed because they were excited to invite a small baby to their parties?

I agree that it’s worrying if your friend is struggling in some way, but your children are absolutely not principal characters here, their feelings are not relevant to this situation.

I found this comment really bizarre. Why would children want a newborn at their parties? That could be potentially dangerous for the baby if some of the parents are anti-vax loons.

Bluedenimdoglover · 12/11/2025 17:49

Seems odd behaviour towards her friends. She may be not coping with being a new mum or there may be something about the baby she can't face telling her friends. On the other hand, why doesn't her partner encourage her to reach out to friends for support and company in his absence? I think.you are right to be concerned. I'd send a bouquet with a note saying how much you miss her friendship and would love to hear from her - don't take it in person. If she blanks you after that, there's not a lot you can do.

Awittyandclevername · 12/11/2025 20:49

AnnoraFoyle · 12/11/2025 15:04

I found this comment really bizarre. Why would children want a newborn at their parties? That could be potentially dangerous for the baby if some of the parents are anti-vax loons.

There’s definitely a few things that stand out to me… they’ve said she’s ’over protective’ have said they feel ‘left out’ even that their kids are sad they can’t invite the baby to their parties? We don’t know the situation for sure…. But my initial thoughts when I read this is that the friend is getting the vibe that the group is now making this a drama, gossiping and making it all about them and is now just wanting to back off from them. I could be totally wrong..

aneelli · 12/11/2025 23:35

If she’s out with work friend, it seems like she is seeing other ppl just not you and ur circle? When you saw her out, did you approach her?

Morningreppy · 13/11/2025 05:34

You all went to uni together and now more than ten years later live in the same village?!

What a coincidence you all ended up there 🤔

Morningreppy · 13/11/2025 05:35

Jennalovescats · 11/11/2025 15:25

Thank you this is what we are thinking too. It’s a real shame as our children thought they would have met the little one and were excited and have been inviting them
to their parties

Your children will be young I imagine
They won’t give a toss

JustMe2026 · 13/11/2025 06:09

As for sharing baby pics it's quite common not to want to do they don't get plastered all over social media as many parents don't want that...I can also see why as you adjust it can take a few weeks to get into a new routine plus see family with baby etc

Simplestars · 13/11/2025 06:17

Put a welfare concern in with social services.
They will visit and check all is ok.

Morningreppy · 13/11/2025 06:19

Simplestars · 13/11/2025 06:17

Put a welfare concern in with social services.
They will visit and check all is ok.

Edited

Tell me you are joking. Please

IwishIhadcheese · 13/11/2025 06:29

Just let her know that you are there for her, when she’s ready.

It could be a number of things, speculating won’t help.

Phoenixfire1988 · 13/11/2025 07:47

PS5Gamer · 11/11/2025 21:58

I did this, I had severe PND. I couldn’t open the front door to people, answer the phone or go out on my own.

I've been here with ppa and pnd however since the relationship is so new and he's allowing all his family and mates round but has turned her friends away I would still be concerned about abuse . I'd be at the door demanding I see my friends ok I dont want to see or touch the baby just check on my friend and making it very clear we won't be going away .

Justtoodamneasy · 13/11/2025 08:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

MID50s · 14/11/2025 18:03

Simplestars · 13/11/2025 06:17

Put a welfare concern in with social services.
They will visit and check all is ok.

Edited

Midwives visit you at home for a couple of weeks when you have a baby so im sure if there were any concerns it would have been flagged up?
also, what’s their background as I know some religions don’t recommend women leave the home for a certain amount of time afterwards and the husbands even Registers the baby without the mother present, etc
sorry if this has already been mentioned but there are so many posts!

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