Friend being overprotective over baby nobody has seen them!

[Jennalovescats]

Hi there everyone just a strange situation happening with my close friend. She had her baby 18 weeks ago and barely anyone has met her. She won’t share photos and declines people asking to meet up just sort of ignores the question. We live in the same village and have known each other 10+ years she isn’t single she has a partner but when he works away she has her brother stay we are unsure why as he lives close. We are all concerned for her that she needs support but are at a loss how to support/ don’t want to keep asking/offering and surely don’t wish to upset her. We did the baby shower, sent gifts, cards etc. just wondering if anyone has had anything similar. We are a close set of uni friends who holiday together yearly. As selfish as it sounds we are so sad to have been left out and everyone has been so excited for her to arrive her family have met the baby but that is all. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I had a friend who did very similar. She refused to meet up with anyone. No one saw the baby and she sent quite bizarre responses to messages. She met up with people outside our friendship group and her parents were there every day even though they didn’t live close. We eventually discovered that she had post natal psychosis. Obviously not saying that your friend has that but she may be struggling in other ways. Try not to take offence and just be there for her when she’s ready.

This sounds worrying to me. I would be concerned about severe mental health issues (which she can mask/ignore with a colleague, but that close friends could spot/would ask about) or more significantly an abusive partner making sure she is isolated from good friends. A new baby is a common time for abuse to start. How much do you know about the DH?

Please consider that your friend maybe be in an abusive relationship.
It’s proven that domestic abuse rises significantly after pregnancy and birth.
Do some research for yourself, assess it and act accordingly.

You say the partner has turned other friends away and you’re all a big supportive group from uni days that go on girly holidays. If this is domestic abuse, you won’t be “acceptable friends”. Breaking a support network is a key part of an abusive relationship.

You say the partner is new, you can phone the police and ask for Claire’s Law. They will disclose any intelligence if it’s relevant and signpost to agencies to help your friend if needed.

Consider that the friend maybe hesitant to disclose anything out of fear and may defend their relationship. Perhaps ask something like “have you ever wanted to tell me anything but felt like you couldn’t” - this will usually open a conversation for a victim. Listen and validate.

If you go round to the house consider ring doorbells and drop in Alexa’s that might be monitoring her contact.

Just like safeguarding children is everyone’s job, safeguarding any adult (vulnerable or not) against domestic abuse is a role for everyone.

Please don’t “let them get on with it” as some have suggested. You can do that once you know your friend and the baby are safe and not suffering in an abusive environment.

If it’s happening you could potentially save your friend and baby from years of emotional/physical trauma or even worse death. You won’t regret acting on it.
At the moment you’ve got nothing to lose!

Postnatal depression, I’m the same even now and it’s been nearly 9 months since I gave birth

Also my partner works shifts sometimes nights , when he does my mum or brother stay at my house to look after me and baby

Can't you go round when her brother is there?

Just what I think. Why would he let his family see the baby in the first week yet keep his wife’s family/friends away?

sounds very worrying.

Did you have any concerns about him before?

I agree it's probably something like this, or maybe the baby has Downs Syndrome and she is coming to terms with it in her own way.

I'd be very surprised if this isn't a mental health thing- it sounds like perhaps she's suffering with severe anxiety post baby- not wanting visitors in case they bring illness, not wanting to send photos in case they end up online etc. If this is completely unexpected I think there's more to it than your friend just being a hermit. Maybe just let her know you're there for her whenever she's ready and keep checking in with her.

But it's been 4 and a half months, that isn't a newborn. It's not about holding the baby, it's about checking up on a friend.

She may well be struggling but doesn't want you to know she is struggling.

Yes! I think maybe the Uni friends sound very full on. I could not have coped with all she seems expected to do with them when I had a new baby. After a few weeks maybe it seemed easier to be with less overbearing people. She has been seen with a work friend, her brothers partners family have met the baby that seems normal. It seems like maybe it is this set of friends she does not wish to see.

It seems to be your group of friends she is trying to cut out, but it is not obvious why. It’s sad and strange. It sounds like an important friendship to you, so I’d give a final attempt and go round to see her to see if you can find out what’s going on.

Are they medical? Some medical people I know refuse to let 'dirty people' aka anyone, apart from them, anywhere near their newborn children until 3 or 4 months.
Another possibility is a birth defect - a friend did not show a hairlip child to anyone until an operation fixed the problem.

She may have some post natal anxiety. I’ve had a couple of friends be very concerned about their baby picking up illnesses from adults and children outside their family. There is that expectation for friends to see and hold the baby and I think sometimes it can be easier to avoid the situation altogether than explain that they don’t want visitors or people holding the baby. Could be something like that maybe?

I did this, I had severe PND. I couldn’t open the front door to people, answer the phone or go out on my own.

Do you expect, or could she feel that you expect, your older children to be interacting a lot with the baby? You say they are excited and want the baby to come to parties etc, and your choice of the word ‘overprotective’ also suggests that maybe she is worried you would be pushing her boundaries uncomfortably. It’s reasonable not to want older children from another family giving all their autumn germs to a new baby. I hope it’s just that and that as the baby gets older she emerges back into your social circle, rather than something more worrying.

There could be a number of reasons why OP's friend isn't being responsive but this one chimes with my experience.

OP sounds quite full on (especially the part about her children being disappointed the baby wasn't at their parties) and tbh when I was a very new mum I would have found this completely overwhelming.

I could be projecting but if OP's friend has family and other friendship groups in close proximity it's possible she's gravitating more towards the ones that aren't applying pressure to visit and attend social events.

You sound very intrusive and self entitled and perhaps she just wants to be left alone. I would get the impression that there is something afoot and she is just not yet ready to share it yet. Please back off and wait for the right time for her and stop contacting and pushing for news. They say if you do not hear from someone after two tries, leave it.

This could be so many things. Do all of the friend group already have children? She could perceive herself as not having snapped back as fast and be insecure about her appearance, she could be finding some things hard about parenting and not want to share those concerns with people she thinks sailed through early parenthood. It might be easier for her to meet up with people she's less close to who wouldn't ask a personal question like how was the birth if it was traumatic for her. The baby might not sleep well or could have health concerns she's not comfortable sharing.

I would keep the lines of communication open but not hound her in case that makes her distance herself even more. This holds true for an abusive relationship as well, if you push too hard she may not want to open up to you.

Give her a bit of space - she might be really struggling with PND or just had a rough birth and trying to establish feeding etc. Not everyone bounces back quickly and first babies are the hardest generally. It's a big adjustment. She may also be having problems in her relationship. As long as you've messaged saying you're there if she needs you and would love to see her and baby, all you can do is wait.

You never know what people are going through! I had a similar experience, the baby had serious health issues and sadly died 19 months later!

Just leave it, now and see if she gets back in touch. You've tried.

I dont mean to worry anyone but having been in a very abusive relationship, the partners attitude and actions here sound quite concerning. I'm not sure what the best course of action is but keep it in mind that this might not be your friend pulling away here.

Yes I would be concerned and have all kinds of thoughts along the lines already expressed here. She may also just feel she's outgrown your uni friendship group and this is what she is doing about it (her loss if she doesn't value those friendships which are not easily replaced later in life). I do agree that you just have to wait it out and try not to feel too hurt. At least you have the others to mull it all over with.