I want him to have a vasectomy

[AtomicSugababe]

Been with my partner 15 years, 2 kids. I’m late 30s and he’s 3 years younger.

I’m pretty sure all my sexually active life that contraception has caused anxiety and depression issues. I also had PND with our youngest. I was so poorly last year mentally and I’m sure the coil contributed. I’ve had it over a year now and I feel myself again, no moods, no depression, just normal me. He says he doesn’t want any more kids, and I don’t. Currently not on any contraception, he won’t use condoms so each month I’m anxious as hell until my period comes.

Ive been nagging and nagging him to get the snip. He replies with it’s a life changing decision, it’s painful and in a sensitive area! It’s not like a haircut.

I’m that fucking pissed off with him I’ve taken the kids and gone to my mums. Told him I’ll be back if he books a GP appointment. If he doesn’t then he’s putting himself first. It’s him who wants sex I wouldn’t be arsed if I didn’t have it again most of the time!

AIBU?

He's as good as said that contraception isn't his problem. He is obviously expecting the OP to take charge again. How is that fair?

Absolutely stupid that you are having unprotected sex every month when you both agree you don’t want kids! Have neither of you any sense at all? He’s being selfish but it’s his body and his choice. If he won’t wear condoms then don’t have sex with him!

You are being massively unreasonable to risk an unwanted pregnancy every month.

If you have a regular cycle then natural family planning could be a good solution for you. I used it for four years before deciding to start a family (at which point I kept taking my temperature just changed when we had sex). It’s a lot more straightforward than people would have you believe. You just have to take your temperature at the same time every morning before you get out of bed. I had a chart to fill in, but these days there’s apps that do it for you so it’s even easier.

Female sterilisation is a lot more straightforward than it used to be. They can just put plugs in your tubes, or clips on the outside via keyhole surgery. I had it done when I had my second caesarean.

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to refuse sex unless he wears a condom, but you are massively out of order to demand he gets a vasectomy. It’s his body.

I was in similar boat to you and he eventually caved/agreed. He’s been on the waiting list for a year now (and was told at the time of going onto it, wait time was 18 months - I’ve seen the emails), we’re in Scotland though. Just to flag, it’s not an immediate resolution these days.

The no condoms thing is outrageously immature though and he’d have no grounds to complain if you took sex off the table.

Message "shit and now my period is late!". Let him freak out and then confirm it was a false alarm. That should help him make a choice!

Are you actually planning on leaving him of he doesn't get one? If not, take your kids home and stop using them as leverage. He doesn't get sex without taking responsibility but he shouldn't lose the children he has for not.

This is a real possibility. Unfortunately it's OP who would bear the biggest consequences.

Half a man? No, a whole man that a woman can have worry-free contraception-free sex with. That’s attractive and a turn on. No pregnancy risk, no artificial hormones, no condoms, just sex without a second thought.

Up to him what he does with his body. Im not in favour of forced vasectomies. But then you would be within your rights to refuse sex if you fear an unwanted pregnancy.

No protection from him then no sex. As what will you do when you do get pregnant? Abortion isn't plain sailing either so you could end up raising a kid you resent.

He is absolutely within his rights to say no to a vasectomy, its his body and nobody should be able to put demands on him to have any procedures.

But you're also absolutely within your rights to say no to hormonal contraception, and to saying no to sex without condoms.

This. It’s absolutely fine for him not to want a procedure and it’s absolutely fine for you to say you don’t want to use hormonal contraception anymore and you’ll only use condoms from now on.

I dont believe he should be forced into a vasectomy. He has a choice about that, in the same way you have a choice not to be sterilised or take hormonal contraception. Neither party should be forced

I do believe you should agree on a form of contraception, currently the situation is ridiculous and likely to result in pregnancy.

yet another "man" who won't use condoms.

It is abusive to bully and coerce someone else into surgery of any kind, worse still that this an elective surgery which would alter the healthy functioning of his body and render him infertile.

If you cannot agree on a temporary and non-invasive method of contraception, then don't have sex. It sounds like you don't want to anyway.

Work on your personal and relationship problems, and if you cannot resolve them, separate, and focus on co-parenting amicably.

Making someone else infertile will not cure your anxiety and depression nor fix your relationship.

Jeez, don’t have unprotected sex, that’s just nuts and a choice you would end up paying for, not him. A vasectomy is of course his choice. However he can’t have it both ways, so if he won’t use a condom then it’s an easy one, no sex. I would struggle with an attitude that selfish given what women go through tbh, so unattractive.

At his age I'm not surprised he doesn't want a V. He's still young and may want more kids if you split up. There are no guarantees in life.

He shouldn't be forced or coerced into it, or he'll just be resentful and that will lead to more issues in the relationship.

You could use alternative contraception..like condoms.

It’s so sad that there’s the thought of “he might leave you and want children with someone else”.

My DH had a vasectomy when I asked him. I’d had enough of the various contraceptives I’d been on and neither of us was keen on condoms.

I don't think that OP is particularly willing. She says that he is the one that wants sex and she wouldn't be bothered if they didn't have sex again and that she is anxious every month after they have unprotected sex because he won't use condoms. I think her husband sounds awful because:

• OP has had two children and suffered from postnatal depression
• She has tried other forms of contraception but the coil badly impacted her mental health so she had to have it removed
• Her husband is the one that wants regular sex
• He won't use condoms
• He won't have a vasectomy

OP obviously left home with the kids as she had reached the end of her tether with him.

OP never answered if he was coercive about sex.

ALL of the middle-aged men in my family and friendship circles have had the snip. It’s so normal and what good men do. I just can’t understand the fuss men make when their wife had gone through the mill having babies and yet they quake at the surgical equivalent of having a tooth taken out at the dentist.

The selfishness and cowardliness would act as a big enough ick to cover the contraception gap for me. 🙄

This is one of the biggest piles of shite I’ve read on this fair site, and that really is saying something.

Ops partner is only mid 30's. Not a 50 year old man. I wouldn't have sacrificed my fertility permanently for anyone when I was in my 30's. Wouldn't have done it at 40+ either.

There's non-hormonal coil, I have one as I don't get on with hormones. Would you be willing to try that?

It’s not unreasonable to say “no more kids”.

it’s not unreasonable to refuse hormonal contraception.

it isn’t unreasonable to say that after 15 years of taking responsibility for contraception, putting your body through 3 pregnancies and births and all that that entails, including the mental health effects as Well as the physical- it’s someone else’s turn to be the person to bear that contraceptive responsibility.

What is unreasonable is to refuse the options available to you but still insist on having sex, whenever you want, despite knowing you and your partner don’t want more kids, and knowing that if pregnancy results because of your refusal, that you drop the responsibility and the whole burden back onto your partner.

@AtomicSugababe your OH is bang out of order and unless he is seriously impressive elsewhere in your relationship, his intransigence would have me thinking I’d be better off without him. How on earth can he justify his behaviour?

@thepariscrimefiles OP has been with this man 15 years. Are both kids his @AtomicSugababe. I have to be honest I would not be having my tubes tied in my 30s because you never know equally I wouldn't be risking pregnancy every month. These do sound like excuses from OP also. Lots of us manage contraception!