My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

@youalright

You're looking at it to black and white context is everything

I am totally cool with doing that when it comes to access to my children and someone imprisoned due to a sexual offence.

Sod the “detail”

This is such good advice.

I think you should cut contact. But is your father old now? Could the offensive behaviour be the result of any form of dementia or brain damage? Im not suggesting that you should have any contact with him if this is the case, but it might make you feel better about your childhood.

@youalright

You say you’d want to know more detail behind why a judge had made a guilty verdict and imprisoned someone for a sexual crime before making the decision whether to allow access to your children.

So if you teen daughter ever came to you with an accusation, would you say that you won’t take any action until you’ve explored more detail from the other side too?

So he went to her house, when he knew she would be alone and he sexually assaulted her? So non-consensual sex, rape, assault all of that. Yeah, keep your children away. He should understand that when you assault a child, people keep children away from you.

If he was having a consensual sexual relationship with the 17yo that somehow through the course systems/parents made him end up in jail, then maybe i could understand the gray area (a big maybe).

I agree. The fact that a mother would even consider this makes me feel so angry.

Rape apologists and dismissers are facilitators and enablers who let the rape culture continue to grow and flourish. Sick.

And what “detail” do you think you could possibly uncover that would make you think “you know what, even though that judge decided to send this person to PRISON, I don’t think it’s bad enough to stop access to my children” @youalright

No and I have been in that situation she was raped we don't know what this was as we have no details. But can you understand why I get annoyed when people don't differentiate between rape and sexual assualt

Some posters suggesting Claires Law. Unless your children have contact with your father they don't disclose charge details, only the offence he's been charged with. When I was made aware of family members upcoming trial nobody would tell me nothing about it. Police, social work, Claires law. I went to court to hear for myself. Police told me they couldn't / wouldn't disclose the details of the case because i'd already stopped contact when I found out what he was charged with that me and DC werent at risk as NC they couldnt disclose information. I had to call courts for details and attend or i'd have never found out the details

The “detail” is someone with far far superior legal knowledge decided the crime was so serious that this person would be imprisoned.

and when it comes to my children, that’s all the detail I’d need to know.

it is concerning that you would seek to put your own perspective on the “detail” of a case that has already been presided over by a professional.

But can you understand why I get annoyed when people don't differentiate between rape and sexual assualt

my response to that person having ANY access to my children would be the same whether rape OR sexual assault.

None. Zero. Nada. Zilch contact

If op is still speaking to her father she is still seeing him as family and I would never blame anyone for that. Families and love is complicated. I know on here everyone cuts there Families off over every little thing (and no im not saying this is a little thing) but not everyone is like that. I don't think i could ever cut my children of no matter what they did. Parents not so sure as I've thankfully never been in that situation and hopefully never will be.

Sweet Jesus
this is concerning
thankfully this thread demonstrates your stance is very very very much the minority

No I can’t understand how the difference between imprisonment for SA or imprisonment for rape would impact your decision re contact with your children @youalright

unfathomable actually

For all we know he was imprisoned for 30 days we haven't been told anything

Oh be your age!

No man was ever sentenced for SA for 30 days! 30 days is what you get for non payment of a speeding fine, not for a sexual assault charge tried in a full court.

And the way the OP describes it, its clear that it was a lot longer as "he is about to be released" so it sounds like its been several months (one hopes its been a couple of years at least, but thats a vain hope).

And as for "we havent been told anything" wtf?!

YOu have been told everything you need to know. He has been convicted of sexual assault and sent to prison. Clearly you have no idea a) how rare it is that woman who have been sexually assaulted report their assault because.....b) how hard it is to get a man like this convicted (SPOILER....almost impossible.) and c) how few of that vanishingly small number of men get custodial sentances.

So this suggests that what he did was not only undisputable but also so serious that he warranted a significant custodial sentence.

So bearing all that in mind....educate yourself.

ETA that you do have some knowledge of this, which makes your comments worse. A sex offender is a sex offender. End of. And should be kept away from anyone who could be a potential victim if possible.

You understand that being raped with an implement is legally “sexual assault”?

The name of the offence really does not tell you anything about the seriousness of the assault. The poor girl raped with a tire iron on a bus in India was technically “sexually assaulted” to death rather than raped.

I don't need to educate myself my daughters rapist is in prison it was explained to us repeatedly the process and how hard it was going to be. You are not understanding what I'm saying and thinking I'm sticking up for him which I am absolutely not. Im trying to see it from op side as someone who has thankfully never been in this situation with a close relative

And you realise kissing someone who didn't want to be is also sexual assault

I get annoyed when people don't differentiate between rape and sexual assualt

The person who sexually assaulted me got a life sentence. I nearly died. I hope that isn’t too annoying for you.

Well clearly you do if you think that what your DD went through is somehow worse than what this other young woman went through. I am sorry for what your DD went throug and I am glad that her rapist is in prison, but that doesnt mean that you understand this very complicated issue.

I have survived both and I can tell you that the difference is negligible. Thats why so many women are pissed off at the difference in sentencing because it implies that one is "not as bad" as the other, simply because in a SA case a penis was not forced into a vagina. That a penis could be forced into a mouth or an anus? Nope, not rape. That a bottle or remote control or (in the awful case of the poor woman in India) a tyre iron was forced into her vagina against her will? Nope, not rape.

I work with victims I'm usually in receipt of the information of the offender, for many, it's not usually the first time an qllegation has been made.

They will happily play the long game. Not only working on the boundaries of those who would protect the child/vulnerable adult as they will on their target themselves.

This man was manipulative then, in his actions to obtain access to his victim, as he is now, threatening suicide. Its also questionable if he has started to manipulate his own son.

Yes I think rape is worse then sexual assualt in 99% of cases considering what can be classed as sexual assualt. If someone tried to kiss me or stroked my arm or grabbed my arse which would all be classed as sexual assualt I wouldn't compare myself to the trauma a rape victim went through

And that would be your choice to make. Op has every right to make her own choices.