My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

This isn't just about you though is it!?

It's about the OP being pressured into accepting a sex offender into her children's lives.

And others saying she's right to make that decision and how Fear Obligation and Guilt are being used to try and abuse her and manipulate her into accepting her father into their lives again.

Which puts her children at worst at risk or at a very best exposed to poor attitudes toward sexual boundaries. Neither of which is ok.

If that upsets you to hear and for you to be challenged over your own decision making, perhaps consider why it's hitting that nerve. Deep down I'm sure you know you are subject to FOG and are trying to ignore it because you want to pretend you can just carry on as before.

And equally this needs to be said for the benefit of anyone else in a similar situation.

It's really not ok to fail to safeguard children first. It's about them. Not you.

If its not about me why are you bringing up my personal life. Have you ever had to watch your daughter stood in court uncontrollably shaking. Sat through multiple police interviews listening to every detail of what that monster did. How many times have you sat in a&e with your child after they've tried to kill themselves. This is my reality. So to question how I reacted to my daughters rape is disgusting and then when I've explained you are going to far and repeatedly saying please stop you are still carry on.
Can you not see what a nasty vile bully you are being. All just because you disagreed with me. You really need a long hard look in the mirror of how you treat others this isnt ok

It's not me who needs to step back here. That's a highly manipulative post and whilst appreciate it's a sensitive manner for you, equally we should not be told what we should and shouldn't say on this matter.

This is about safeguarding. I will not be told by anyone regardless of their situation to stop talking about the safeguarding of children.

It's about how families manipulate others to allow them back in, at risk to their children.

Honestly this isn't your thread.

This is about the OP asking something important.

You haven't even read my posts have you. You've twisted what ive said and created a different version in your head.

If you want to believe that, then anything I say isn't going to change that is it?

You think I'm somehow out to 'get' you. You've called me a bully. That's not what I'm doing.

You're being a nasty bully and you can't even see it. Who repeatedly goes at someone who tells you to please stop and how much your hurting them

Presumably then you also sympathise with OP’s father’s victim, who will have been through the exact same experience as your daughter. And do not want OP to be in your place in five years’ time when her daughters are her dad’s “target” age.

But instead you are in here telling her to give him a chance, and saying convicted sex offenders aren’t that bad and maybe he will only forcibly grope her children and not full on rape them which would be absolutely fine to risk.

You are the one coming onto OP’s thread telling her to give a convicted sex offender unrestricted access to her kids! You can’t then complain when people tell you to fuck off.

Your like obsessed and no i never once said that which is the point i made about how you twisted what I'm saying a created a different version in your head.

Yes, being sexually assaulted will do that to you. I have PTSD. Ask your daughter about it, you clearly have no understanding of it yourself.

Well like you said to me then this thread isnt for you

I’m more than happy to carry on posting. You are the one crying about it

Of course i am because your a bully and thats what bully's thrive off

👍

My intention isn't to hurt you. My intention was from the start to point out how emotive stuff is used to try and guilt others and force them into accepting sex offenders back into their lives because they are related. You are actually actively doing this right now and trying to make others shut up when they say 'no this isn't ok'.

You can do whatever you like. You can call me names if you wish. Calling anyone who disagrees with you a bully isn't really much of an argument.

This is about the OP. The OP needs to hear she is doing the right thing.

You don't like it, because of what that conversely implies.

If you need to step away from the thread, feel free to do so.

So you think that because your daughter experienced something, you understand it better than @Tigerbalmshark or me who have both experienced it, and have the sheer arrogance to tell us that we are wrong in our opinions?

How fucking dare you!

Do you know why I wasnt in court shaking and crying? Because I was bullied (actually really bullied, not called out for talking shite which is what is happening to you right now) into not pressing charges. Dont you fucking DARE suggest that there are any extenuating circumstances AT ALL that mean I or anyone else should accept someone using rape or sexual assault as a weapon against another person should be allowed "back into the fold".

Well your intention failed this is the first time in months I've had to call the crisis team i said stop and you was going to far and you just wouldn't stop. One thing I missed out is I have eupd from years of csa. I've tried so hard to turn my life around for my children but after a recent traumatic brain injury things have been more difficult. All I said was id want to know the truth of what he had done I also said there would be a 99% chance I would cut him off after I found out the truth. Im normally ok with randoms online i don't normally let them effect me but that comment about my daughter was to far.

You know nothing about my childhood

Perhaps you should discuss your tendencies towards manipulation and victimhood when you are called out and dont like it.

Funny how you can be very aggressive until you are losing an argument.

No I know nothing about your childhood, you know nothing about mine. So why did that only just get mentioned when your according to your earlier posts, your knowledge of SA/rape is from what happened to your DD.

Nope, not buying it.

Do you want me to post a photo of my medical records or my cmht records because I will

I think perhaps if you feel like this, you should take time out from the internet then.

This isn't about me.

Im trying but you and that other poster keep posting to me

I'd not have him around my kids again. Sorry you're going through this op it must be so hard. I imagine your dB is struggling to match up the person he knew your dad to be and what he's done , that can take time but I think you're right to trust your instinct to protect your kids as a priority.

Are you getting any support with this? It's an awful thing to have a close family member do. If he were to hurt himself op it would be on his own back- he's deliberately done something awful and is now living out the natural consequences to that. If he decides not to accept those consequences then that's up to him. It's not guilt for you to take on in any way. There's support available to him if his mental health takes a turn. Many men who are convicted of such offences talk or threaten it but don't follow through on it. So you cannot live your life worrying about that. He is accountable for himself.

Not a chance in HELLLLLLLLL would he see my DC and neither would I stay in contact with him! Why on earth are you speaking to him? He’s a sex offender ffs

You can leave a thread without having to reply to every post. You are not obliged to reply.

You can just leave.

You are trying to 'win the thread' here. That's not a happy or healthy place to be in.

Sometimes understanding when to walk away for your own sake is better.