My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

[Lordvampire3]

Hi Everyone,

This is extremely hard to post and I am looking for other insight of whether I am being unreasonable.

My Father was convicted and due to be let out of prison for sexual assault of a 17 year old (in the UK this is over consent age so wasnt charged as child offense)

My DP and I made the decision that he would not see our 4 kids when he leaves prison due to what he has done. I was talking to my brother today and they exploded saying I was being out of order to not let him see his grandkids because of what he did

Am I being unreasonable? For context 3 of my children are girls, 11 9 and 4 and out little boy is 3.

I have been talking to him once a week and havent found the courage to say he wont see them as I worried about the fallout, plus selfishly I didnt want to be the cause if he didnt something stupid inside (like off himself etc)

Any help would be appericated

It’s unforgivable either way. It’s sometimes the case that rapists plead guilty to a lesser offence in order to get a lighter sentence.

Did he plead guilty or not guilty? If the latter then we know he does not wish to be accountable for his behaviour and has lied about what he did - causing further trauma to a young victim.
He is a violent sex offender.
Keep your kids safe. No people pleasing with young children in the mix.

Im not excusing his behaviour at all but there is a massive difference between rape and grapping someones bum or stroking their shoulder which both could be classed as sexual assualt without this information you can't call him a rapist.

Are men really sent to prison for grabbing someone’s bum?

I’ll have to check the OP - I thought that there had been a prison sentence.

You don't go to prison for grabbing someone's bum or stroking their shoulder!

Have checked. He’s in prison. No way way was that for a bum grab or the like.

Absolutely the right decision OP. Age is one thing but it’s also a violent and dangerous crime and means your dad is unpredictable- not something you want around your children.

Round my way, Richard Sneddon pled guilty to the lesser offence of sexual assault. He’d raped a 6 yr old.

Lennon/Katie Dolatowski was convicted of sexual assault and merely tagged. He’d tried to rape a 10 yr old.

The OP’s father was in prison. It was definitely a serious assault.

NRTFT but it must have been pretty serious for him to receive a custodial sentence.
What is also troubling is it sounds pre-meditated as he changed meeting time to be alone with the minor.
You are not responsible for his mental health but you are responsible for your children’s safety and wellbeing.
I wouldn’t want to be in his company frankly.
I am not minimising any sexual
assault where a court does not decide on a custodial sentence or an apparently less planned assault but we know that many assaults don’t even make it to court.

Try this - you won’t be eligible for a free copy https://www.gov.uk/apply-transcript-court-tribunal-hearing

Someone suggested Bailii.org but I don’t think you get sentencing remarks on there.

you could also try here https://www.judiciary.uk/judgments/

Is your father on probation?

you can also make a Clare’s law request

I would have nothing to do with him ever again and I’d be taking a big step back from your brother

Unlikely not impossible id want to know what had actually happened before I made a decision and id want that in formal court records not his say so. We don't even know how long he was in prison for was it 7 years or 7 days.

It’s a bit disturbing the op felt the need to ask mumsnet

in fact a lot disturbing

So you might actually allow contact with your children depending on what detail you found out around the prison sentence? Despite knowing the conviction? @youalright

before the pandemic OP my brother seriously assaulted my father- it was just one act after years of alcohol, problems- with good bouts of behaviour in between. I stopped all contact for him with my children, faced years of backlash from him and my parents, to the extent my children’s school had to be aware to contact the police if he approached there, and him arriving at my house. I stuck to my decision (even DH made noises about supervised visits to reward good behaviour) but I refused, and now all family members have seen I was right and the children had to be protected. So while it’s different I get the pressure you may face. I had the threats of ‘he needs something to live for etc’. Stick to your guns on this- your duty is to your children, and teaching them to love and trust someone who hasn’t even fully admitted to what he did won’t end well. Good luck

Supervised possibly but unlikely depending on what actually happened

If he went to prison this was very serious (although any sexual assault is serious) so he doesn’t deserve your contact let alone that of your kids. I’m assuming he’s in his 50s at least and when it comes to sexual assault, I guess child assault would be considered worse but no sexual assault is acceptable. Seems your brother has some strange thoughts - I’d be keeping my kids under close supervision round him too if he can’t see the issue here!

Wow
You and I parent very differently @youalright
Quite simply, where someone has been given a prison sentence for a sexual crime, the “detail” is irrelevant.
They wouldn’t have access to my children. The end. No navel gazing. No quandary. No me wasting my time delving in to the detail to make sure I was being “fair” to the imprisoned person.
Nope.

But the detail is relevant so say you have a 16 year old son and he gets his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant and her parents press charges you would cut your son out of yours and your other children's lives. What if someone was placed on the sexual offenders register for pissing to close to school would you cut them out your life and never let them see your children. You're looking at it to black and white context is everything

You are absolutely right.

He manipulated and tricked and committed sexual assault on a young girl (still legally a child) severe enough for prison. He will not change.

Your relatives are also his victims in that he has groomed them into supporting him and so are advocating you allowing a predator access.

Paedophiles are people sexually attracted to pre pubescent children.

Hebephiles are sexually attracted to children 11-14 going through puberty and adolescence.

Ephebophiles are sexually attracted to those in late adolescence, 15-19.

A person can be more than one of these - Whatever he is, that is not your job to assess. He's a nonce and that's it.

Your children come first. It's a hard road, stay clear, stay strong, stay on it.

But in this case, he wouldn’t be IMPRISONED

we are talking about someone convicted and imprisoned

AND in your example, the 15 year old would have also had to have provided a report against him

Nope. Not a chance

Again im absolutely not sticking up for the op father all im saying is id want the full story as nothing is ever that black and white. The chances are to get a prison sentence whatever op father did is unforgivable and I wouldn't be allowing him acess to my children but I'd want to know the truth first before making that decision

You’re pretty much on your own then with that. As the rest of us who have children wouldn’t need to know the detail to make a decision.

I would presume the judge had a pretty decent grasp of the “detail” when he decided to IMPRISON this man

In Scotland, I can assure you that prison would not be the sentence for those offences.