Allowing college kids to deal with cold showers for 2 days

[Randicrawfordcoaching]

A mom posted in a group that her college kids had to deal with cold showers for two days and she asked if she should go get her and bring her home. Mom lives an hour away. I made a post and said absolutely not! They are in college and can figure it out! Parents came out of the woodwork freaking out on me and said if they could help with something small like this, they absolutely would do it. I’m horrified that we coddle our college kids the way we do. AIBU🤷‍♀️😂

Before university I'd spent six months backpacking around Asia and had many cold showers, you just make do. This would be annoying obviously but I'd have sink washed or found another option nearby. I don't think I'd even have thought to mention it to my parents unless we were already catching up on other things!

That though is a very weird answer for me.

Yes theyre adult but why shouldn’t they ask fir advice and/or help from family but it’s ok to do it with friends???

As I said my dcs would (and have) figured it out. It doesn’t mean they haven’t ask for help for stuff they didn’t know about (eg cold radiators when heating is working).
And I’d never refuse to help them or expect them to not come and see me if they have a problem. Quite the opposite actually.

Who funded your backpacking was there support if it went wrong ?

When I was at Uni I would've just gone to the swimming pool or Uni gym and probably not even told my dm. I'm pretty sure my own kids would do similar... or based on their current attitudes to hygiene they just wouldn't shower.

I’d be pleased my son had started showering so frequently

Surely they can head to a mates house or halls of residence?

I'd probably try problem solving first before going to collect them and drop them back after a shower. Such as suggesting they try the uni gym, or external gym first.

But would probably collect them if they couldn't find somewhere to shower.

In the unlikely event of my first year son even bothering to mention such a non event, it would be more in the spirit of me saying 'that sucks' rather than solving the problem for him. Jesus Christ almighty.

If this had happened to me at uni, it would never have occurred to me to go to my parents (who were very supportive). They had lives; I wouldn’t have expected them to drop what they were doing and drive an hour to get me, an hour home, and then the same to drop me back. Not for the sake of a couple of days of washing in the sink or going to the gym. I’d probably have mentioned it when I was talking to them, but not expected them to do anything when it was firstly not that big a deal, and secondly, easy to sort myself.

I worked two jobs for eight months to save up and my trip was entirely self funded. The main job had been in a mental health care facility with individuals who had violent tendencies so it paid quite well as it was not an easy environment to work in. I'd budgeted emergency money and had taken out a credit card with a few thousand limit on it which was my emergency back up if I needed to put something down for medical care or a flight home. I had bought quite comprehensive insurance and was travelling with a female friend. I kept copies of my passport and numbers of the British embassies for the countries I'd be travelling in. Kept my emergency credit card in a separate place to my day to day money etc. I was quite a sensible teen and I have always been a planner! Luckily nothing serious went wrong. This was twenty years ago and it was hard to get in contact at times, particularly in China, we sometimes couldn't email home for a week or two and the internet was so bad at times we couldn't even get our emails to load.

My parents would have supported as much as they could in an emergency but they didn't have much themselves- when I went to university I was eligible for the extra funding given to those with low income parents. There was also no easy way to get in contact with them quickly... this was before the iphone and wi fi in all the hostels so we were quite cut off. I don't usually feel so old at 39 but writing this now I wonder if I am! I guess even backpacking is a very different experience these days with translation apps rather than thumbing through phrasebooks! :)

MN has this weird fetish with letting our kids 'tough it out' the second they are 18 as 'it's character building'. It's bollocks. I wouldn't take a cold shower for several days - I would find a way of having a proper shower, whether that means going to the gym, a friend's house or, shock horror, my mum's house.
I would of course return the favour - indeed we did when my elderly gran was having her bathroom adapted and she wouldn't have water for a few days. Should we have left her 'tough it out' and cope with cold water from the sink 'as it's character building'. Or shall we show some common kindness?

The OP is taking about mum dropping everything to go and collect her child (and presumably deliver said child back). That’s not the same as working out a solution for yourself including getting yourself to your mum’s for a shower.

Another poster has suggested booking a hotel room!!! More money than sense there.

I thought it was 2 days?

2 days without a hot shower is hardly "toughing it out". More of a minor inconvenience for a young adult. I'm not sure what character they'd be building by coping with that 😅

Presumably the elderly gran doesn’t have that many options, though. Given that she’s getting her bathroom adapted, I’m assuming she’s not that mobile, and maybe not able to get to a friend’s house or local leisure centre very easily. And for an older person, something like having no bathroom can seem like a much bigger deal, precisely because they may well have fewer ways to deal with it.

i just think that having no working shower for 2 days shouldn’t be that big a deal to an 18+ year old, especially to the extent of expecting a parent to take 4 hours out of their day to fix it for them.

I would absolutely just wash at the sink for a couple of days if I had to; it’s not that big a hardship assuming that the rest of the house is reasonably warm, and I’d fully expect my kids to do the same.

Oh the irony...

So much drama when you have to post on MN to figure this out when you really should be able to do it on your own😂

(and so you know, driving only 1 hour to go to a relative for a hot shower, and invite yourself for diner or something like a normal human being
IS literally figuring it out)

To be fair the dd might have just mentioned it in passing as a moan and not actually be expecting her mother to do anything about it.

I think people on here are focusing in the wrong thing - of course if the dd wanted to make the effort herself come home to use her parents shower it would be mean to say no - but the mum wasting her time and effort to make four hour long journeys to pick her up and (presumably) drop her back is what is ridiculous - the cost of petrol would completely override the dd just buying a gym pass or whatever.

Plus, assuming from "mom" and "college" it's america - US college are huge, i doubt there's no hot water on the entire campus.

I come from a family that wound happily go out of their way to help each other out - if it meant I had to drive far then so be it. The more sensible solution however is to get a cheap hotel room or gym pass with shower access, rather than driving all the way home.

It won't kill them to strip wash for two days if cold showers do not appeal. Tell them to warm water in the kettle and use a wash cloth. Or go to the gym.

My eldest son starts his day with a cold shower.

I only had access to a bath in a shared bathroom for a whole year when I was an undergraduate. Unless I was washing my hair I did my morning ablutions standing at an old sink in the corner of my bedroom. Dated accommodation, but it did the job. I didn’t complain. Indeed, I think my parents only put a shower in their house when I was in my early teens, so showers seemed like a modern luxury.

If my DD had no hot water and wanted to use my shower she’d be welcome - but I wouldn’t be driving an hour each way to fetch her then another hour each way to take her back. That’s a 4 hour journey!

You said I would find a way. That’s the point isn’t it, you find a way. Whether that’s saying I’ll go home for a couple of days, or going to the gym or whatever you are working it out and problem solving. OP is saying the mum (mom) is asking around as to whether she should go and bring her back home. Before rushing off to pick her up (sounds like the student hasn’t even requested that) the mum should at least ask what have the students done about it (contacted campus facilities or landlord).

I come from a family that also helps each other out, but they also are reasonable and would not expect a parent to drive four miles, for a shower. They’d say “no mum, that’s too much”, I can manage for 48 hours.

Four hours, not miles…. 4 miles is not an issue!

That’s not what the OP said, though - the OP said the mum was going to drive to collect her child. Not the same.