Husband giving me an ultimatum

[confusedwife847]

Dh and I have been married for 3 years.
Recently we’ve been having challenges with his dc. Sc is at the age they’ve realised parents aren’t together and is starting to want them back.
I normally give dh lifts to get his son as the buses take quite a while.
Today I’m not feeling well mentally, recovering from a breakdown so I asked dh to catch the bus.
First of all he gave me the silent treatment.
Then he said if he catches the bus he won’t be coming home.
When I challenged this he tried to change the wording.
Then he said if he catches the bus he won’t be talking to me when he gets home and he’ll he sleeping on the sofa.
Again I confronted this and then he said I don’t look unwell. I said how on earth do you want me to look unwell; harm myself 🤷‍♀️
I refused to give in and said I am not well enough to drive. Then he did his usual of becoming all mega apologetic, puppy dog eyes and saying sorry etc.

chat GPT said this is emotional blackmail. My friend thinks it’s bordering on emotional abuse. It’s not the first time he’s done this.
I just don’t know if I can come back from this hurt.

There’s already six pages of people telling you he’s an arsehole, but…

chat gpt? Seriously?
it’s really hard to take anyone serious who lays out something like this and then says “chat gpt says.”

@confusedwife847

You need to get out as soon as possible- for your own mental health but also, for the sake of your children- you can't let them think this is normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship. You just can't.

Start making plans. Even if you have to downsize or move in with family/friends in the short term.

Kick him out & stay strong - he's abusing you. It's as simple as that.

Kick him out, I bet your mental health will massively improve once he's gone. You deserve much better.

what sort of 'emotional breakdown'? You write about it as recovering from a cold.... it's just odd.

And yes, he sounds abusive.

wonder how many times he did that to his ex over ridiculous things, if he wants a lift he learns to drive. Sounds like you are his free taxi. Id be getting divorced.

What a pathetic, lazy weasel he is! Can’t sort visitation with his own child without a woman facilitating it all then sulking and manipulating her with a man tantrum. Absolute ick. Learn to drive or download Uber plonker!

I’ve spoken to him this morning. Apparently the reason he’s struggling as he doesn’t see his often enough and blamed me. I said I’ve encouraged him to go and see him more often! We life half away by car but it takes longer by bus/train.
I feel it’s just a cover for all the shit he’s put me through. He admits he hasn’t treated me well and that I haven’t done anything wrong.
He's going to stay away for a few nights and get his head together. I don’t think we will be making it through this.
My head knows what to do but my heart is hanging on to the good bits.

Sunk cost fallacy @confusedwife847 . It will get worse not better.
He sounds like someone who would never admit that anything was his fault.
He'll blame you, his ex, anyone.

Firstly, it’s up to him and his ex to arrange how they manage pick ups and drop offs. It’s nice if you offer but you certainly shouldn’t be expected to do it.
Let him go off and sulk. Make sure you use the time to realise how less complicated and stressful your life will be with him not in it.

He's struggling because he doesn't see his DC enough, well if there's a bus service he could go and see them more often, they don't have to come back to your place every time. It's easier to blame you then admit he doesn't want to make the journey I'm afraid

@Daleksatemyshed I 100% agree with you. When he’s mentioned before about missing him I suggested going down more often in the week to have some time with him. He misses living in the same town but that’s a decision he made.

@confusedwife847

If he really does take 'a few nights away', please use that time to 'feel' the difference in your home without him there. The lack of demands, the watching him sit on his arse whilst you do it all, the time you have to devote to yourself and/or your DC, just the extra time you have not being his taxi service. Then picture that 24/7. And take into account the weight that will drop from your shoulders when all that resentment and gaslighting is gone. I doubt very much that any 'contribution' he may make to your household will equal the peace and calm you experience with him gone.

Hold on for longer than a few days OP. He is still playing you because him wishing to see his DC more is an excuse to cover his abusive behaviour and not acceptable. He needs to be held accountable for his abusive behaviour and get some help from a perpetrator programme. Wish you well

@disturbia do you have any suggestions of where he can get that support?

He needs to want and seek it out himself. It’s not something you should do for him, OP.

I’ve just never heard of a programme like that. He has booked an appointment with the mental health nurse today.

The fact that his go to response was to blame you is very telling.

I hope these few days without his mind games and emotional blackmail help you see things more clearly.

If you are in UK try
https://www.respect.org.uk They run Perpetrator Programmes. They have a phoneline 0808 8024040

@confusedwife847 just don't allow him to put all the blame for his behaviour on his mental health x

Thanks @disturbia

@confusedwife847 some men who are living apart from their DC expect their next partner to recreate for them the family they've lost, they expect the DSM to treat their DC as their own in every way even though they have their real DM in their lives. He blames you for not seeing his DC everyday even though he willingly moved away because admitting it's his own fault is too much for him. I'm afraid your marriage is being wrecked by his Dad guilt

I told him very clearly that when he chose to leave his last marriage he stepped away from being able to see his dc as much. That’s the sad truth. Both parents can’t still be with the child 24/7.