Husband giving me an ultimatum

[confusedwife847]

Dh and I have been married for 3 years.
Recently we’ve been having challenges with his dc. Sc is at the age they’ve realised parents aren’t together and is starting to want them back.
I normally give dh lifts to get his son as the buses take quite a while.
Today I’m not feeling well mentally, recovering from a breakdown so I asked dh to catch the bus.
First of all he gave me the silent treatment.
Then he said if he catches the bus he won’t be coming home.
When I challenged this he tried to change the wording.
Then he said if he catches the bus he won’t be talking to me when he gets home and he’ll he sleeping on the sofa.
Again I confronted this and then he said I don’t look unwell. I said how on earth do you want me to look unwell; harm myself 🤷‍♀️
I refused to give in and said I am not well enough to drive. Then he did his usual of becoming all mega apologetic, puppy dog eyes and saying sorry etc.

chat GPT said this is emotional blackmail. My friend thinks it’s bordering on emotional abuse. It’s not the first time he’s done this.
I just don’t know if I can come back from this hurt.

I would tell him his behavior is abusive and from now on you wont drive him anywhere tell him you are not his mother or personal assistant and stick to it, whats next that he refuses to wash and then says thats your job too

This! His child is only 7, yet you’ve been married for three years. How long were you together before you got married? What is he like with your children? I think he saw you as an easy target. He doesn’t care about you.

And you didnt see that as a red flag that he left his child as his partner wasnt keeping him happy because she didnt put him first and now hes expecting you to put him first and no his child is not your problem dont take them home,

Too nervous to drive is such an Ick from a man. How on earth can you bear to sleep with him.
And yes he's awful
Ltb

I say this if I was your best friend and over 25*years experience of being with someone like this.
Leave.
This is just the beginning. It’s will get worse - more often, over more silly things and the silent treatment will be for longer periods.
and don’t give him an ultimatum or believe he will or can change because he will go back to his usual ways.

What an awful thing to say when someone is un well.
I don't blame you for not feeling you can come back from this .
I'd feel the same.
You are worth so much more don't stay with somebody like this if they can't give basic love and support what is the point in him being there.
Say bye bye x

I know I should phrase this politely, but god what a loser he is. Bullying manipulating you, too scared to drive, doesn’t want to get the bus. How have you not got the right ick?

The ick has been building recently tbh.
He made a threat 10 days ago that he was leaving a not coming back and I said next time he says that he’s out. This is the first time he’s ever given me an ultimatum like this.
Even worse it was 2 ultimatums backed up with a ‘you don’t look unwell’

List the reasons you want to stay with him, outline the benefits for you.

Then list the benefits of splitting up, and the benefits of that for you and your children.

Decide truthfully and instinctively without the emotional stuff in your head. Which will give you most happiness? Do it .

It's your husband's responsibility to collect his child. If he hasn't learnt to drive due to being 'too nervous', then that's on him not you. If him having to take the bus (even multiple ones) to collect his son, is a hassle, then he needs to step up and start looking into taking driving lessons. Unless there's some big backstory here, then there's no reason why he can't learn to drive, he's making weak excuses. If you're not well, you're not well, and it's too bad, if he has to take the bus. Telling you he's not coming back and saying he won't talk to you, is emotional blackmail but it's also abusive behaviour.

It's fine to choose not to drive. It's absolutely not fine though to make your transport anyone else's problem!

Does he work?
Whose name is your rental in? Can you pay the rent/bills alone?

Drop this bastard!
Your problems will be greatly reduced.
"Puppy eyes" can't drive?
Ick.🙄

I recognise you, this has been building for sometime.

What kind of father leaves the area his child lives in at that young age? A loser, you were convenient op, you had a home, and a car, he doesn't have to work outside the house with you, he has been using you the whole time.

The rental is in joint names but I can afford it all on my own.

Even better.

@confusedwife847

I'm sorry about your breakdown but so happy that you're coming out of it with more knowledge about the causes.

You state a major cause was stress from having to be 'Do It All Debbie' and ferrying everyone about. So, if you take him out of that equation, how much less stress would you have then? I'd say probably a whole lot less and that your life would be much more manageable. And don't discount the stress and damage that emotional abuse and manipulation cause, because it can be HUGE and soul destroying. It can make you doubt yourself, your abilities, and your belief in your own 'reality'.

I'd suggest you see a solicitor to find out what a divorce may mean for you. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' right now it's just educating yourself about one possible choice. Then, when you think about choices and what you'd like your future to be you'll be doing so from a position of knowledge rather than 'fear of the unknown'.

You could say that about mumsnet!

@confusedwife847 when I see posts like these, it makes my heart ache that so many women seem to conflate their unhappiness with a completely different issue.

"Recently we’ve been having challenges with his dc"

Your problem is not his child, it's your husband @confusedwife847

How does he treat your children and what do they think of him?

The ‘you don’t look unwell’ really grinds my gears. I never want to be in a relationship again with someone who questions a partner like this. If my ex ever said this to me I responded by asking him if he wanted to change any plans, could I do anything as to me that’s just basic - not a churlish begrudging pushback implying you’re lying. That’s just a huge red flag to me.

You arent doing something he wants so he's threatening to be nasty to you if you don't do it? Yes this is abusive.

get him the fuck away from your children.

If he leaves you’ll have 2 less people to please, tidy up after, respond to emotional blackmail, and less driving.

What are you waiting for?

So, he’s too nervous to drive, but when your MH means you don’t feel safe or well enough to drive, that’s not ok.

He is an energy sucking absorbathon.

Oh man, why bother with such a relationship? All it seems to do for you is in the negative column.

If my DH said if he went out the door he wasn’t coming back, I’d shrug neutrally and say, “Ok, you may want to pack an overnight bag then.” and continue on about my business. I don’t tolerate emotional manipulation.

Counselling is the very best gift you can give yourself. You will find that you are a totally new person with strength and aims that have never had before. It’s hard but so worth it.

Bin him, he’s not going to support you with that