For not wanting to spend another Christmas Day with his batshit family?

[MsCrowly]

When I first met DP’s family they seemed absolutely lovely, really really nice people. Charity work at the church, voluntary work at the local primary school, his dad cut the elderly neighbours grass throughout summer - I could go on but honestly they seemed like amazing people. So when Dp told me his mum had invited us around for Christmas dinner I happily accepted. On the run up to Christmas Day he told me his family were a bit wild at Christmas so be prepared but with what I knew about them I assumed he meant his dad had a few too many sherrys and tended to start singing Elvis or something!

No.

It was fucking awful. They were all drunk by time we got there at 12. His mother was ffing, blinding and cunting all over the place, his dad was watching world war 2 documentaries and screaming about how the kids of today would be too pussy to fight - when we first arrived his sister launched into a verbal attack saying it was just like him to turn up like a vulture when someone else was cooking 🫤 DP said we were invited so she screamed “so was fucking Judas”

over the course of the day his mother threw a glass of wine over his dads head, his sister continued picking arguments with everyone until she ultimately launched a tub of quality street across the room in rage, his dad started throwing up to which his mum got handfuls of it in kitchen roll and tried to smear it across his face - by the end of the day his mum was sat drunk in tears saying she wished she’d joined the army?!? His dad was passed out upstairs, his sister was sat furiously watching Grease screaming at everyone to stop talking and DP was drunk and going around squashing chocolates into the walls.

Couldn’t wait to get out - anyway he’s now asked if we can go this year considering how everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I was like “you joking? Everyone was arguing!!” and he got defensive saying it’s Christmas, people drink and get silly - all families do that. Mine don’t!!! A few drinks yeah but fighting and arguining? Nope

Thing is if I don’t go I’ll be alone Christmas Day - do I go or have a quiet (lonely?) one by myself? And AIBu to think this isn’t how normal families celebrate Christmas?

Sounds like a nightmare - volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day.

I wouldn't be spending another christmas with the Batshit family.
In fact I wouldn't be spending another day with your p if he thinks this is normal behaviour of people drinking and getting a bit silly at christmas.
They sound totally mental, no matter how you found them when you first met them.

Can you volunteer somewhere? Im sure loads of places would be grateful

💯 this.

Don't marry him.
Don't have DC with him.
He's not a keeper.

If you stay with him, all your Christmas Days will be marred by arguing even if you don't go, because he wants to be with his arsehole family and you don't.

Your future DC will be exposed to this and led to believe it's normal, not a message you want them to receive.

You'll also be in a position of either going so you can take care of them or DP taking them anyway and none of the drunk fuckers being able to care for a child and keep it safe, never mind the fact you really don't want DC around such abusive people anyway.

It's absolutely bizarre that DP even wants to see them at all, never mind in that state - and to describe it as "enjoyable" is next level bat-shittery. Take it as a sign of how psychologically damaged by his upbringing he is and run for the hills.

You're best off staying single forever than getting involved with someone like this. You'll be opening yourself up to abuse and neglect by him in the future. Why the heck would you accept Christmas Day alone because he chooses his shitty family over nice and lovely YOU, the person he's supposed to love and cherish and who is supposed to be his number one person?

If you're not his number one priority on Christmas Day, you also won't be his number one at any other time. Like the birth of your future children or when the baby and toddler years get hard. He'll be inviting people round when you've not yet recovered from the birth because their desire to celebrate will come before your need for rest. He'll be down the pub or the gym whilst you're child-wrangling, doing all the laundry and trying to fill in that form from the school.

He's demonstrating that he'll never be wholly in the relationship, never cut the apron strings, he'll always have one foot in the camp of his family of origin. You can't form a solid relationship that way, you'll never be you two united against all others, solid in the face of adversity, because he'll allow his family to pull him in another direction away from what's best for you and his DC. He'll go along with it because he'll want to appease them for an easy life. Look how he behaves when his sister is nasty. No standing up to her, no calling her out on her behaviour, no removing himself and his girlfriend from the shit-show. Nope, he just tolerates it.

Also, if you ever get divorced, this is the type of reaction you'll face from him - because getting drunk, screaming, shouting, swearing, picking fights and being unreasonable is apparently all just fine and dandy.

Unfortunately you now have to go OP. We'll all be here, hiding from our own inlaws, waiting for your update.

But seriously, I'd rather be on my own than put up with that.

Thanks for all the replies - for those thinking it’s made up - lucky you although to be fair I wouldn’t have believed it up until last Christmas either. Funny thing is the account I’ve given is actually watered down, there was so much more I could have retold.

Unfortunately i don’t have long enough left on my passport to go to the states for Christmas and even if I did I’m not really sure I’d want to go for various reasons.

Since last Christmas the family have gone back to being perfectly lovely, the mother is back at church and her school job, the dad is back to his little hobbies and collecting shopping for the elderly neighbours and the sister is back to her dog rescue work. I’ve seen them multiple times over the year, one was for the dads birthday, they popped over for my birthday in May, we’ve been over for a few Sunday dinners - completely back to being lovely normal people. No mention of last Christmas other than his mum asking if I could make use of the alcohol they had bought in for Christmas as they don’t drink much through the year.

Honestly they’re so nice normally I’ve even questioned myself whether I’m making it up! It seems so out of character. If they were rough as a box of arseholes normally that would be one thing but they’re really well to do people, it’s baffling

Go with your family to the states?

Go with them OP. Get yourself as far away from this shitshow as possible and rethink the relationship. If you end up getting married can you imagine their behaviour at your wedding !!

I’m relieved to hear they’ve been normal through the year- at least you don’t have to put up with this behaviour every week! Are they not…embarassed? Have they ever mentioned it? I mean I doubt they have, but bloody hell!

Sorry to use your awful day for entertainment but please can you give us more detail from the day, as you’ve said there’s more to it and you’ve given us a watered down version? I’d love to know what else happened!!!!

Sounds hilarious, like something out of a play. This picture-perfect family all going crazy for one day only. Are they terribly middle-class?

Think twice before having children with this guy. Would you want them to experience a Christmas Day with his family?

Why are you still with him?!?!?!?

Girl

Give us the unwatered down version 😭😭

Blimey. If this is accurate, you could get a sit com out of it. Stay home with a glass of sherry and start scribbling.

Yes, they shop at Waitrose and M&S and vote conservative 😁 I can see the funny side now not not enough that I want to do it again, for one thing I’m frightened of getting hit by one of the various Christmas themed missiles flying around the house

Is there any talk of ye getting married OP? I'd be planning an elopement if ye do!
Choosing to spend a safe quiet Christmas by yourself is not sad, but putting yourself through that again would show lack of self-respect imo. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in with toxic people or relationships sneak up on us and we are emeshed before we realise it, but this red flag is right in your face v early in the and around a situation you can easily set your boundaries around now

I've been in similar circumstances ONCE and once only. The following Christmas invited again, we declined dinner and went around to them at 10am and had tea and whatever, exchanged presents, stayed for an hour or so and legged it back to our own nest.

The drinking started at 11am last time, or at least we figured that out by the cut of them at midday when we arrived!

It's just what some people do I suppose, go a little nuts and go to hell and back with it for one day.

Well them not drinking throughout the year explains a lot.

All it would have taken was a couple of glasses of prosecco each to be bladdered if they dont normally drink.

But that doesnt take away from the fact that on Xmas day they get totally out of control. As a PP said imagine your wedding day, another day were it is socially acceptable to go a bit OTT. And I said above, imagine taking your kids to see them on Xmas day.

Not a good image is it?

If your BF was feeling the same as you then that would be different because you could come up with a plan to avoid the worst of it, but the fact that he is totally fine with it all says that its normal and that all families are like that, suggests that he would accuse you of over reacting (sounds like he already has tbh) and of trying to keep his kids from his parents.

You see what it has done to him with his skewed version of "normal", would you want that for your kids too?

This doesn't sound far off from my family Christmases. The year i decided I would never do them again my brother squared up to my sister and I had to clear my mum's vomit out of the plughole

Holy crap and that's watered down?

I would never ever have Christmas with them again op. I would have left on the day actually, even if I had to book a cheap hotel to get out!

Stay home, get some nice snacks in, a nice ready meal and watch movies cosy under a blanket all day.

I can’t stop thinking about your DP smearing chocolates into the wall. What did he say about that in the cold light of day? I don’t know how is react if my boyfriend did this 🤣

This sounds a bit like my extended family OP. Most of them do a great impression of being pillars of the community but at many family gatherings the unpleasantness and fighting starts. Even those who don't act like animals excuse it. For many years I just assumed this was perfectly normal and it was only after I moved away and experienced Xmas/weddings etc outside my own family that I realised it was not. I clearly remember challenging my Mum on why she put up with it (she herself didn't cause any trouble and spent her time trying to calm everyone down) and her response was 'Every family is the same, it's just that most people are loyal enough not to discuss it with people outside the family'.
OP-it could be that our DP has been brought up to think the same as I was. It took me a long time to realise that it was not normal and that if my parents were upset about me not joining family gatherings the blame lies with those who are revolting to be around, not with me. I think you probably need to have a sensible discussion with your DP about how his family's behaviour made you feel and establish some new traditions for just the 2 of you, particularly if you are planning to have DC. Maybe you could invite his family to you (so you have more control and hopefully they are more careful) on Xmas eve/boxing day instead of seeing them on Xmas day. Then have a lovely Xmas day with just your DP doing things you enjoy (watching films, going for a long walk, cooking food you love etc).

"So was Judas" is a brilliant line in fairness!

The ILs behaviour, while awful, is that important.

However, how on earth do you find a grown man who squashes chocolates into a wall attractive? That's really weird behaviour.

They vote Conservative, you say! Well, that should nail it for you-what horrible people. I thought as much when you wrote that his mum said that she wished she had joined the army.

As for rubbing chocolate in to the wall...is your boyfriend three or was it some awful far right version of pinning a tail on the donkey but using chocolate to show their hatred of brown people,

Next time, make sure you pick a boyfriend whose family votes Labour.

This is the Christmas episode from The Bear - look it up on Disney + it’s called Fishes I think.