Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

Has your daughter invited her to a party in the last year?

Maybe the other girl doesn't consider your daughter as a close friend, or maybe your daughter has been mean to her?
Or maybe the mum has created the list without giving it much thought, which would be unkind.

It really isn’t complicated to understand that some children are hurt by being excluded and that some parents (clearly not all) feel for their kids when this happens.

It might be due to an activity and they have non school friends.
Or they may be going somewhere and they need to fit in 2 cars

Or.... You might never know.

I would message the other mum and see about organising something or go and do something else.

Really? So if you set a limit and then find out a couple of kids are left out you either add them on (at extra cost to yourself for what could already be an expensive event) or change the event to something more children can go to? Even at home there is a difference in having 7 children to then having 9 or 10.
Sorry but that isn't possible on every occasion to accommodate everyone. Even in work we have the same social dilemma over who to invite to the team meal and how venues might only have a table for X amount of people, meaning that if everyone is invited then the team are divided up anyway across tables and people stick with who they know.

At 9 I think it is ok for children to invite who they want. This isn't a whole class invite and it was done discretely. The girl didn't go into school waving invites around so it is possible the parents are aware they have left the two children out and are trying to manage it as best as possible.

Do all the other children always invite all other girls? Is this the norm? I am guessing this might potentially be the first party of this school year so maybe this parent is trying to set new boundaries where not all girls need to attend everyones birthday.

So is the purpose of the post to gain empathy from a load of strangers? It specifically asks why has she been left out. We don’t know. For all we know the OP’s daughter has done or said something hurtful to the birthday girl. Or the birthday girl’s mother dislikes the OP (justifiably or otherwise). In those circumstances would there be so much empathy?

And my own daughter?

She really suffered in Y5 and Y6 from being excluded. We’re still seeing the effects now in her late 20s (MH issues). She was born on 30 August, so nearly a year younger than some classmates, and due to her ND, was eventually seen as too childish and uncool to be invited to parties or to be part of the group. At this age girls tend to become aware of what’s cool and fashionable (in a ridiculous way from an adult perspective, but hey) and start to look around them at their old friends. Some will not make the cut in coolness terms.

I speak from long observation, and dealing with the painful fallout as both a parent and a teacher.

My guess would be that she invited some boys (because she isn't obliged to invite girls just because she's a girl) and/or invited some friends from outside of school and your daughter just didn't make the cut this time.

DC can't be invited to everything.

I think you will never know unless you felt like you could ask the parents who organised the party (which I could never do!). My DD was the only girl in her class left out of a party aged 10. I didn't know anything about it but we walked past the pizza restaurant in town one weekend and saw them all sitting in the window. My DD then told me that the birthday girl had handed out invitations to all the girls in class during class except her. Although she wasn't great friends with the girl, they got on ok and I can never understand the mindset of leaving only one person out.

The Mum had always been nice whenever I encountered her and my DD is kind and gentle so would not have been left out because she had been mean or nasty to the birthday girl. I assumed it had just been an oversight as my DD is pretty quiet. I made sure not to make a big deal out of it with her. She's at secondary school now and has made new friends. She doesn't keep in contact with any of the girls from primary school and I'm sure never dwells on missing out on the party.

Quite. And it’s very painful. Lucky you if you’ve never experienced it, but the effects are long-lasting. I once read an article which said that this age( 9/10) is a pivotal one and what happens to children socially at that age is highly influential in their future social and psychological health.

(And no, I can’t remember the details or source - it was a while ago.)

I accidentally left out a child from the class a few months ago. I set up a WhatsApp group for my child’s birthday and added the wrong mum (same name!) who never responded. It crossed my mind that it was weird I hadn’t heard from them but I was so busy I didn’t follow it up. I absolutely mortified. The wee girl was so upset to have been left out. I had her over a few days later for a play date (and made the nicest lunch ever!) to make up for it. I really, really wish the mum or someone would have asked me for clarification. Better to know if there’s a reason for not being invited.

My experience was that by this age most girls in dad's class had a firm best friend, and then these combinations would get together, and the girls who were not in a "couple" were often left out. Partly this was because these were the girls with less advanced social skills (asd in some cases, like my daughter), special needs, serious illness etc. But also a spare girl is a threat to a couple. So the couples won't invite them, and the mums of these girls can be very focused on helping their daughters maintain their status - that means supporting the best friend thing and only inviting other sets of best friends. They don't want a random girl to suddenly take their daughter's bestie away. And this is a real issue at around age 9 where some of the younger girls haven't cottoned on yet that they need a best friend, and "poaching" will happen as they realise it, and the mums are often heavily involved.

I remember several of these best friend couples, where the girls were clearly drifting apart, but the mums were doing all they could to keep it going. They eould never have allowed spare girls to come to a party.

There are all sorts of reasons really.No one can say why without knowing the dynamics .Kindly ,in a couple of years she will be going to senior school and meet lots of new kids there .You can rack your brains but never come to an answer . Just say to DD that you have something special in mind for that day anyway.Then treat her to swimming /shopping/whatever /lunch out .Im sure your girl is lovely ,but girls have a habit of splintering off as they come towards the end of primary school .Does she have other friends from activities outside school? Maybe widen her friendship group a little

I would find it embarrassing to ask. Plus what if the answer is one you didn't want to hear. No my daughter didn't want yours at her party as she has been laughing at her/making fun of her at school with the other girl who isn't invited. No your DD isn't invited as last year she misbehaved and we had to tell her off.
No your DD isn't invited. We didn't have the space to invite an extra child.
No DD isn't invited as my daughter isn't really friends with her and I said to invite close friends only.
No your DD isn't invited as our children don't really play together anymore/aren't interested in the same things.

Will hearing the reason make it any better? People seem to assume that maybe the mum will suddenly change the guest list on knowing that two girls weren't invited, when if they have been in school the whole time together she is very likely to know.

Even if the mum or daughter did ask the parent or child might just lie about it anyway e.g. the child could easily just blame her mum for not allowing everyone to come.

I agree. My DD would invite the whole class if she could, but 7 small children running around is too much, I can’t handle more. Also, I don’t really keep track of how many girls vs boys there are in her class

Exactly, I agree. Having a big house and lots of money doesn't necessarily mean you should always have big parties.
OP, saying they could afford it isn't a valid point. Some kids prefer smaller parties (my DC certainly did) that are more personal, and this is more common as kids get older.
Some parents give their child the autonomy to choose who comes, and don't interfere at all with their child's choices... this can lead to issues like your situation where the birthday child chooses on a whim and it might not always be the most thoughtful process.
I'm sorry you and your DD are feeling hurt. Try to let it go and not take it personally.
x

There is something called common courtesy and manners. If you aren’t going to return the invite, decline the invite!

It's a tough one. It's expensive having parties so maybe it was a limit on numbers. I think it's important to help our kids manage disapointment and unfortunately we can't be invited to everything all the time. My son is nearly 7 and has had no invites from school only family and it can be difficult but that's life!

Reading your responses, it could be that one of the other girls, perhaps jealous in some way of your daughter or wanting to exert her power over the party girl, or within the group (adults do this as well as children in friendship groups) has asked the party girl not to include her. Its like an extension of the child who exludes another from a group in the playground. The other children might want the excluded child to play but are afraid to stand up for them in case they become the excluded one.

Oh gosh, the drama on this thread!
It must be very stressful to live like this, always looking for the worst motives and analysing every aspect of something as simple as a party invite... must be hard for the children to be wound up by their mothers over nothing too.

Not being invited to every party isn't being excluded. Patents need to stop framing it that way.

I’d assume parent hasn’t thought about it/realised/thought they wouldn’t find out.

Id tell dd she gets invited to lots of parties/does nice things it’s no big deal . But I wouldn’t invite the girl to your DDs next party.

Birthday girl and her parents don't sound very nice imo

Where money isn't an issue, and OP says it isn't, I just don't see how they can be to invite 7 out of 9 girls in the class when there are no reported issues and the girls all get on and spend breaktimes together generally.

Excluded or not being invited to everything/part of everything?
They're two different things.
People are allowed to spend time with who they choose - the general rule for me is not to exclude someone just because they're ND, but also not to include them just because they're ND either. Also, some people (not necessarily you) think everyone sees their child in the same 'lovely' way they do, when in reality some kids can be quite horrible at times. Specifically with ND, it's also much harder to have a party if you're constantly wondering if one child (not your own) is ok, or if it's too much. Other people don't know your child as well as you do.

It stings. I remember having the same thing with my daughter and my heart broke for her. My advice is to plan a fun day with her. Take her out shopping, to get her nails done or for an afternoon tea. Do silly things like photos in a photo booth. Treat her to a jellycat or whatever she is in to. Honestly in years to come she won't remember being left out of the party but will remember having a fun day out with mum.