Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

So every single child in the class has to be invited to every single party otherwise they are being ostracised? Other classes as well as no one should be left out

And we have also learnt if your child is not invited just turn up and join in it's all fine

My child was not invited to every party and they knew very well they would not be invited to every single evebt and we did not invite every single child in the school, nor all the kids in town, it is not normal too in the real world

Around that age ( or even a bit younger) they start to just invite their friends and the ones they play with the most. It's not like when they're 5 with whole class parties or every boy or every girl is invited. Maybe your DD and this other girl are not that close. It's not that big a deal but I think it's causing more of an issue because there are not that many girls in the class.

It could be a bit mean but as pp says, you can't guess why. It could be for so many reasons. Or just an accidental omission. It's more likely that they've got room and beds for a certain number for a sleepover or that's the number they have car space for. She's picked the people she likes best at the moment. But that might be different from last week or next week. And it might be about whether they're into teddies or skincare. For your dd's mental health, i'd make light of it.

As other people have pointed out there are a whole number of reasons why she wasn't invited, all valid.

But no according to Mumsnet the parents are clearly rude, unkind arseholes... For simply having a birthday party for their daughter and not inviting every child she talks to 🙄

I bet that the girl has 6 really close friends in the class that regularly stay over or have stayed over or parents know each other. Then could it be that your daughter is just on the outside of this group or being used as the other girl going is definitely not invited and they can say not everyone was invited?

I’ve absolutely no idea how many girls are in DD’s class. So is it possible these parents don’t know either, and have said to their child “you can invite 6 friends” thinking that that’s such a small number there are no issues with singling anyone out not to come, because most children aren’t going?

I know there may be a lot of other possibilities, but this really could be as simple as the mother (maybe the father, but let's face it...) said to her daughter:

You can invite 6 friends and that's it.

This is the most sensible way of framing it unless and until you have a good reason for thinking it's something else.

No. Absolutely do not teach your daughter that it’s ok to hint, wheedle, guilt or importune for an invitation. How crass and tacky that would be!!

There's a low level of emotional intelligence in this reply.

Poster has immediately exaggerated the situation. Rather than acknowledging that inviting 6 out of 8 could cause upset, they've decided to suggest inviting 8 out of 8 is akin to inviting everyone in the school across all classes, or indeed the whole town.

This is what I meant by thoughtless OP rather than malicious. People struggle to consider or acknowledge the emotional effect of these small but significant choices on others. When you're dealing with children particularly, it's upsetting. I know teachers have to deal with the fallout of this all the time.

who cares just move on

The OP's daughter cares obviously, therefore OP will care and wonder why?
That's just normal.

Of course, they will have to "move on" but "to care" in the meantime is absolutely normal.

What do you do? Just shut your feelings out?

That’s not on in my opinion. With those kind of numbers you should invite all the girls.

she’s too nice to tell them to piss off when needed
You really need to work on this with her. So many adult women are like this.

My child decided that he didn’t want his bully at his party! That meant said child was left out. If my child just wants one child left out I’m not going to give care about another child’s feelings.

Her parents have probably told her, you can only have 10 guests. She's picked 10 from the girls. She didn't invite all of the girls bar yours. Or she's not really good friends with yours.

Once I invited a large group of girls over for my daughter's birthday, because I didn't want to leave anyone out. Even though my daughter said these 2 girls weren't really her friends. Halfway through one of these girls asked me, why did you invite me and x? We're not even friends with your daughter?! I realised that I should have listened to my daughter and only invited who she'd said.

Of course they can’t. However, it takes little effort to express some empathy when a child feels left out, especially by someone they think of as a friend. I’m in my 70s, with grandchildren, and I can still remember feelings of disappointment and hurt in my childhood. As we become adults we learn not to care, but this is a child, who is puzzled by her exclusion. Helping them navigate these feelings is what parents do.

The lack of basic social awareness that this post displays is not a badge of honour...

I am wondering if the op has been told to report the major crisis to the head teacher

You asked WHY. clearly!
no one here is going to know WHY. for that answer you need to ask the party girl/mum, which you’ve said you won’t do
so end of story.

So, you have a party next year and don't invite the birthday girl. Simple. Also, teach your daughter that not everyone gets invited and to take it on the chin and move on. She will have a lot more disappointments to come in life. She needs to learn to walk away.

Your daughter doesn’t have to have been unkind to her, this girl just might not view your daughter as a friend and that’s life.

Not everyone gels with everyone and that’s ok.

There doesn’t need to my anything malicious behind it, she was probably asked who would you like to come to your party from school and naked XYZ and not your daughter.

She could have friends she went to nursery with coming, family children, outside school friends. These numbers all add up and it doesn’t matter how wealthy someone is, the fact is if you don’t want someone coming to your party, you don’t want them there.

It’s just one of life’s lessons that your daughter needs to learn unfortunately. You’re not going to be friends with everyone but that also doesn’t mean there’s an issue between the two people.

I have to say, I do judge parents who encourage little kids to get into skin care and social media.

Childhood is so fleeting. There's plenty of time to be a grown up..

Omg this reminds me of a time I accidentally did this to a child in my sons class only found out when I asked the mum if her son was coming as hadn’t had a response. I was absolutely mortified!!!!

But there is a reason for you leaving out a bully.

That's not the scenario OP or the previous poster are describing .

It probably is a bit mean. But by 9, they are making those friendship decisions for themselves. I don’t think I work expect wide ranging invites beyond Year 1. It’s more likely your daughter just doesn’t fit in the girls current view of her friendship circle and I’ll be honest, better that she doesn’t go rather than go to the party, not fit in. Feel left out. And not enjoy herself. The whole thing will be forgotten about a couple of says after. It’s sometimes a little bit of a warning shot that all is not what it seems in the class though, so I would ask your child’s teacher for a chat about her social circle and interactions when you get chance for a quiet, productive chat.

This! Dont get too over involved. It’s their friendships to learn and navigate. It’s a good lesson in figuring it all out

I think at 9 they invite who they want and not all the girls or whole class parties. I think the set up in your school of a small number of girls is what makes it seem more unfair, as if there were more girls then you wouldn't notice so much.
As others said despite what you believe about their financial status they might have set a limit on numbers. Additionally it may be that this limit includes the total number of children so they have invited friends or family from outside of school.

How did you and DD find out about this party anyway? Clearly they were trying to be discrete by setting up a WhatsApp group which actually to me suggests they are trying to be considerate.

I would brush it over with DD rather than make a fuss and arrange something special with the other girl, as will you want to do that every time in life she misses out on something?
I would use the points given here. We don't know why you haven't been invited. Maybe 6 friends was all she could choose. Maybe their mum is friendly with other mums so has to invite them. Anyway what do you want to watch on TV tonight?