Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

This happened to my DD

When I thought about it, I realised the party mum probably felt obliged to invite kid A and B because she’s friends with their mums, kid C because party child’s dad plays football and drinks with Kid C’s dad, Kid D because they live on the same road, and kid E because kid E’s family are hugely sociable and host lots of parties themselves.

Whereas they didn’t have a “reason” to invite my DD

That doesn't seem too unreasonable. I get they talk to each other but that's quite common when there aren't many children to socialise with and doesn't mean they are too close.

My daughter was incredibly popular in Reception but by year 4 things were very different - she inadvertently upset just about everyone and only the most patient, kind mothers were still making an effort with her. I was completely beside myself, not understanding what was going on. She turned out to be diagnosed with neuro diversity. Basically her social skills weren't keeping up with the other girls, whose friendship skills were becoming increasingly sophisticated, whereas she was still wanting to play horses! Her party invitations dried up too and attempts to invite girls over for activities didn't get us very far either, sadly.

She said the mum set up the WhatsApp group but fair enough they are both dicks.

If the two children were mean enough to her dd that she would not be invited to a party (absolutely no evidence she was) then would op not have known via the school. I would presume an adult brave enough to leave a child out of a party would have the balls to talk to the OP also.

I am dealing with something similar in my own class at the moment. One girl is being left out and it's bloody heartbreaking to watch. The others talk about parties and play dates while she sits silently. She is never mean just a little bit more awkward and innocent than the others .

That’s negligent parenting. They should teach the child basic manners. Eg small part with up to 3 female friends or include all 8 girls in the class.

It might be that she's allowed a certain number and is also inviting a few from outside school. They've been thoughtless. Sometimes people get it wrong.

It's likely to be a numbers thing. What's the activity at the party? My daughter is 10 and we can only really afford to invite 5 or 6 when they do activities that are about £15 a head

Some parents are such twats and do a lot to contribute to playground exclusion/ bullying.

I’d care. I’d personally fall out with parents over this. All the girls bar one. That’s awful.

Girls of this age can be quite brutal. They play each other of against others, and can pretty mean. It unfortunately appears to be that your dd is the scapegoat this time around.

'DD is lovely'

Maybe not to this kid?

We have no real info about who has chosen to invite or not invite, or why. Certainly i'd never do this but i know many who have. It's impossible to comment or second guess without knowing the facts.

Hi OP

We have found when they get to this age, parties at home become absolute carnage (much worse than when they were little and you could direct/ distract a group of them). I'd assume that parents have restricted numbers because at this age, despite being perfectly pleasant individually, or in groups of one or two, when they get together in larger groups they morph into a hysterical hyperactive shrieking mob which is impossible to control. Just my experience but its not about space, it's about trying to keep control and stop your house getting wrecked etc (particularly if it's a winter party and they can't be shoved in the garden)

I know that it feels unfair, but these are a few possible reasons, to not take it personally…

At the age of 9, Birthday celebrations do get smaller. I know that we did a couple of whole class parties, but at that age it really did decrease to her besties, even though there were other nice, uninvited girls in the class. Sometimes other out of school friends may be invited, from extra curricular activities. It is not only money that influences parents putting a limit on numbers.

‘Besties’ may include children and their families that the hosting party knew pre school - so the adults may have know each other sometimes since the birth of their children, (NCT) etc.

I know it seems a slight, and that is magnified due to the gender ratio in her class, but it really might not be as you think. Best that you and your daughter continue to be outwardly pleasant, but don’t have any expectations going forward of future invitations.

I expect it was one of those occasions where the parents just gave her a number and told her to pick that number of friends.

Or maybe they said “you can’t just leave one out, it has to be at least two” and she hadn’t wanted to invite the final girl because perhaps they had fallen out?

I know. I was saying that thr suggestion I was replying to is negligent parenting. Negligent, but quite common. We’ve all seen different iterations of the same issue during our time as parents. I remember having to explain to my daughter’s friend that, no, I wasn’t going to leave a little girl out of a Halloween party simply because she didn’t like the girl. The girl in question is autistic and highly anxious, but ever so sweet and really just needs to be given a chance. Inviting he to a party didn’t mean I’d insisted she comes over every week. It’s simply good manners to be inclusive.

7/9 from a class is really really poor. And you say that there is no bad feeling falling out?

who know. But I would be upset too. Your feelings are valid.

try not to give too much attention but you’re not wrong to be miffed.

Whereas I think it’s good manners not to compel my child to invite someone they don’t want around them to their parties. Certainly not ‘negligent parenting’. Children are allowed to decide who they want to have at their parties, just as adults are.

At 9, they do start having their own ideas about who they want at their parties or don’t.
Maybe it’s as simple as she just finds your DD a bit boring, or just not as fun as others?
Horses for courses.
This is the start; teach your DD to take it in the chin, and get some resilience training in early!

Some adults are arseholes. Just that. I never excluded other kids from my dc parties, even if they had fights in the past. Horrid thing to do. But some parents are arseholes.

We live in a small community. When my children were at primary school we had children round to play almost every day. It was very fluid. Lots of kids would go to the playground on their way home from school. Most evenings I’d have at least one extra child for tea. Parties are different. Teaching a child to manage a guest list carefully not to cause upset is very important. Small parties naturally exclude people, but inviting the majority and leaving out one or two children is just wrong. My daughter is a sociable, popular teenager now and certainly agrees with me.

Or some parents respect their child’s decisions about who they want to have at their parties.

No. I’ll go with the arseholes who don’t teach their kids manners. It’s negligent because it doesn’t instil the right dispositions for being a responsible adult.

So in percentage terms there are 8 other girls the birthday girl could have invited and she's not invited 25% of them.

I can see how that would happen by accident, although I do agree it's a little poor form to leave out 2.

However, has she invited boys as well?

9 is about the age where parties tend to be more streamlined. Perhaps she is inviting other kids from activities, cousins etc, so she just chose her 4/5 closest school friends to invite.