Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

Who cares? Probably the people who care about their children’s feelings and don’t like them being hurt or left out. Just a thought 🙄

I had to make some ruthless decisions at DDs last birthday when she wanted a party at home. We agree we could manage her 5 closest school friends, which left 3 girls in her class out (boy heavy class) and several out of school friends.

You might think it's not a space issues but it was hard having that many children around, all excited and screaming, and in fact some of DDs toys got ruined because a few went absolutely feral the moment they walked through the door. You have make decisions, it can't be everyone or no one. There is an age when the whole class stuff has to stop

No-one should have to justify why they have or have not invited someone to their party. Their party, their choice.

Bottom line, nobody gets an automatic invite to any party.
Children do need to realise this quite early on, and parents need to stop framing it as 'being left out', when it's unrealistic to expect one child to be invited to every single party.

By comparison to other threads about similar issues from the pov of the parents of the party kid: my guess is that the other girl who has been left out is a bully or has quarrelled unpleasantly with the birthday kid and the child wants to leave out that child, but it's too nasty to invite the whole class except one child so the party kid has instrad been given a number of kids she can invite and your daughter is the token "see it's not about singling out nastykid"
or the party is at a venue where you can book for 10 kids or 20 kids but 12 costs the same as 20 and is unaffordable.

Regardless of if the parents are wealthy and have a big house they are still entitled to give a maximum amount of numbers to a party. The parents have obviously said 6 children can be invited and unfortunately your DD didn’t make the cut

I think it’s likely that they only wanted a certain amount of kids in their house and made their dd choose. As they get older they tend to do smaller birthday celebrations with friends anyway. My child was the only one not invited to someone’s house party. My child has sen but is quiet not misbehaving. My child did not care. Hates parties. It felt shitty but the birthday child wasn’t nice most of the time. My child was relieved. I still thought it was rude. Rise above it op and least there was 2 of them not invited maybe they could do something together instead?

There's a huge difference between friend and friendly.

Your DD might get on well with this girl, but that doesn't mean the girl sees her as a friend.

The parents' wealth and property size has nothing to do with it.

Oh, grow up. The people who bang on endlessly about ‘exclusions’ on here are the sane ones who see ‘cliques’ everywhere they look on the school run, and who clearly struggled socially during their own school days, and are projecting.

It really isn’t complicated to explain that not everyone gets invited to everything.

Is it possible that it is a snobbery thing? Theyre wealthy, you not so much and the parent is discouraging her child from fraternising with she percieves as the 'less fortunate'.

From my perspective this is appalling behaviour but ive definitely seen and heard of this kind of snobbery.

If thats the case keep your child away from this little girl as much as possible, she will become an extension of her parents hideous behaviour especially as they get older.

What ages? Running around feral is grim.

Ive got boys and boys dont seen to get fussed about this sort of thing it seems (and they always include everyone and are included themselves) . But I would be really put out if I have been excluded like that unless there was a reason. I'd be slightly sneakier and ask one of the other mothers to casually find out what the score was as they could perfectly reasonably mention two girls aren't on the list and is that what's intended? I wouldn't approach the mother themselves and I would make sure my DD didn't give a shit.

To invite 7/9 isn’t great. If there were bullying issues it would be different.

Your DD seems to be taking the right approach by rising above it.

Tell your daughter to innocently ask the girl why she isn't invited to her party, you know 'out of the mouth of bsbes etc'
It won't be as bad if it comes from your daughter as 'why have me and x not been invited to your birthday I thought we were friends '
But definitely take your daughter and X on a nice day out,at same time as party they'll have something nice to talk about when everyone is going on about little spoilt overindulged princeses party!
Ffs arnt kids and parents vile I wouldn't dream of leaving a kid out

This exact scenario happened when my daughter was 9, the 2 girls not invited were due to one being mean to my daughter. The mum appeared oblivious to this, she was mean in a sneaky way. The second was outwardly a nice girl but spoiled every get together she went to by crying, “hurting herself”, wanting everything her own way. It was draining. She was never left out for class park trips, Halloween Parties the like but she wasn’t always invited to birthday parties as it was generally spoilt by her. My daughter just wanted a party not about “Lily”.

This happened to me at school age 9/10 and I still remember it! There were only 9 girls in the class and 2 of us weren’t invited. I like to think i was a nice, fairly quiet kid. We became friends as teenagers and the girl then told me it was because the other uninvited girl wouldve taken all my attention 🤷🏼‍♀️
In retrospect , now i am a parent, I cannot understand how this girl’s parents allowed her to do that- its so MEAN!

I would probably try to plan a really nice treat day out with your DD on the day of the party, then after the event have a quiet word with the mum and ask if there had been any issue with your daughter’s behaviour towards her daughter. I yhink if you phrase it like that and wait til after, it seems more reasonable and less desperate!

I mean, cliques definitely did and still do exist, especially in schools and with school parents (mostly, but not exclusively, the women). Clique behaviour can be downright cruel and nasty. It's a separate issue from the party one though, and it's quite frankly ridiculous to assume your child will be invited to every party and to tie yourself up in knots wondering what has happened when they're not invited.

Sounds like it’s not a big party, she’s been told she can have 5 friends or whatever, another girl wasn’t invited you say anyway

We have been in similar situations and it stings! I know how you and your daughter feel.
Nothing you can do... Hope she is ok xx

Easy to say!

in these circumstances I’d be concerned too. This happened to my (mildly ND) daughter at this age.

OP, it’s a dodgy age when girls especially are starting to ‘review’ old friendships and behaving like horrible mini-teenagers.

As a teacher and a parent I’d honestly say that upper primary girls are a bit of a ‘mare’ in my experience.

OPs daughter will be included in your generalisation too right?

How old is your daughter? For my dd’s birthday she told us she wants six friends because she will be six. Being a girl she naturally just wants other girls. Could it be related to that?

maybe the day of the party you and the other girls parents organise something fun for your dd’s?

Just because it seems like they have cash doesn’t mean they don’t have to consider numbers for a party due to costs; or something else happening where numbers are an issue.
I had a princess over to our house and she had a child limit which was surprisingly low, plus I didn’t just have school friends.

Any chance she can meet up with the other uninvited girl that weekend for a play date?

Yeah this will be the case. They will have said you can invite x number of friends and the child will have said ok, and picked that number of people. I'm sure if she'd actually said to her parents that it would leave 2 girls out, they'd have allowed everyone to come, but that's not how the minds of children work!