Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

I know the feeling, i was usually one of the last people to be picked for football in P.E in the opposing teams. I think the child should take it on the chin, its good to just stay friendly where we can. We cannot force someone to accept us and want us around. But we can encourage and ask and be attentive.

Out of the few not invited, most had not invited her or maybe didn't have parties themselves. One girl who wasn't invited always had whole class parties including DD. DD invited a couple who hadn't invited her to their parties.

In an ideal world, I'd have preferred DD to invite the girl who always included her rather than a girl who didn't include her. DD would have been happy to invite three girls only but as I had to pay for a minimum number, I encouraged her to invite the minimum number of girls.

At some point, the kids have to be the ones to choose. Quite a few kids didn't have parties at all or at least never invited DD.

I had whole class parties for a few years, then parties with half the class but always invited all the girls, even though she really didn't like or want all of them there.

As a parent organising these parties, I've stopped worrying about them so much. I explained to DD that she wouldn't be invited in return. She was ok with that.

I'm sorry your dd feels left out. Can she and one of her friends have a day of fun together and a sleepover?

How could anyone on here possibly know why she has been left off the invite list?

I'd be really curious to know the ages of the mums posting here.
This thread feels very similar to the "not everything can be all inclusive all the time."
I don't think of birthday parties as all-inclusive events, not at nine. And I'm certainly not on-the-ball enough to know what's going on for each and every classmate - have I excluded someone who should be included? Or vice versa? I'm not great at organising and I just couldn't be sure, I bumble along and try to do nice things for my child without driving myself up the wall.

Personalities and preferences change as kids get older and sometimes the party child just wants a smaller party. After having a big, chaotic party last year, which he found quite stressful, my DS actively chose a small party of close friends and quieter children. It was noticeable that he didn’t want to invite some of the bigger characters from his class even though one boy in particular was someone he played with fairly regularly in school and had done play dates/parties with before. Based on previous experience he just felt this friend would dominate a bit and he didn’t want that. I felt bad for the boy and parents, and made DS aware that not inviting him would cause some upset -and it did. There were lots of comments/questions and DS was left out of this child’s party (fair enough). Next year he wants an even smaller party- just one or two friends- he can’t cope with the party drama!

Exactly.

'Who cares?'
Obviously the OP and her daughter both care.

It is hurtful to be excluded like this, and everyone knows that.

That’s different to OP’s situation then, her dd has always invited this girl to her parties and yet dd has been excluded from this girl’s party.

Just because they have a big house doesn’t mean they have to invite everyone, sure there was a limit and I guess your DD and other girl were the children she got on with the least. I remember the whole upset from party invites when mine were little and it does feel a bit mean, but your child won’t be best pals with everyone and not every parent is thoughtful around not leaving just 2 girls out. Sure it wasn’t intentional to upset anyone.

In this case I'd suggest to DD that if her friend really is a friend she could ask her herself why she wasn't invited.

Ive been surprised at the number of people who are really blind/blinkered to the fact that children really notice this.

I remember talking to a mum who was cheerily planning a party entertainment that was a max of 14 kids, there were 16 girls in the class. She literally hadn't thought at all about how the two might feel, she just took a view of "but there's only space for 14 that's life".

I think these parents are often the confident popular types who have never been left out in their life, have similar children, and simply don't get it.

A lot of parents are desperate to move to smaller parties which i understand - are they doing something where they've offered to drive kids somewhere so can only fit as many kids as they have seats spare in the car? 7 is often 4 kids per car - with space for a sibling of the birthday kid.

We have similar with DD. She seems to genuinely be friends with X, but X’s parents don’t invite her to birthday parties and also pointedly ignore us, the parents, I’m not quite sure why. When we invited X to DD’s party they RSVP’d but then didn’t show up. DD was gutted. I eventually had a chat with her to the effect that some people do things we don’t always understand, there’s nothing we can do about that but carry on being our lovely selves, and what about doing this or that fun thing on the party day?

In this situation I'd plan a fun activity and invite the other child not included.

Unfortunately it’s as simple as the birthday girl just doesn’t like your DD enough to invite her.

I bet it’s a simple number thing. They’re wealthy sure but perhaps it’s at a venue where they can only have a certain amount or something and they have relatives/ family friends attending too. This girl isn’t as close to your DD and the other girl as she is those 6…

It’s hard not to take it personally but perhaps in future, your DD can start just inviting her closest friends. They’re getting a bit older now anyway so whole class invitations are rare. My DS is only year 2 but only wanted to spend his birthday with his best friend and same vice versa.

totally validate your own feelings. Honestly, some people on here are not only wankers, but just so ignorant.

ostracism is an incredibly harsh thing to go through

No matter how people are left out, their response is swift and powerful, inducing a social agony that the brain registers as physical pain. Even brief episodes involving strangers or people we dislike activate pain centers, incite sadness and anger, increase stress, lower self-esteem and rob us of a sense of control.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/

I guess your response needs to be about privately acknowledging your own feeling, building up her self-esteem, encouraging her not to take it personally, and perhaps framing it as probably a mistake. I wouldn’t respond by being hostile to the other girl or competitive in any way. If you know the other parents, well enough, you could just ask is everything okay between the girls?

it’s awful when people hurt our kids and we have to watch it happen. She’ll be ok but of course you’re done in about it

Oh I wouldn’t dream of making a knob of myself by marching up to her parents at the school gate and asking where DD’s invite was etc 😂 similarly DD has already said she wouldn’t embarrass herself by asking for answers from the other girl.
I totally know whole class parties don’t happen at this age, and I’m not entitled enough to believe DD should get invited to every party every single time, just as mentioned both DD and I were surprised she wasn’t invited to the party of a girl who she does get on with and who she has always invited to parties herself. Just looking for other people’s take on it and if they too would feel this was a bit mean.

If they are good friends at school and talk together a lot, your DD might be mature enough to mention the party. Eg. I bet you are looking forward to your party, I’m really sad I’m not invited.

Maybe the good friend thinks so much of your DD, that she took it for granted her mum would include her on the invite list.
Maybe the good friend is jealous of DD in some small way and wanted to be mean.
Maybe the good friend wanted to strengthen her friendships with the other girls without your DD getting in the way.
Maybe the good friend’s mum has taken against you for some obscure reason or simply prefers the parents of the other girls

Either ask, or let it go. Please don’t let your DD know you think it’s a big deal.

Party girl might have been given a limit. She could be including cousins or neighbours; you don't exactly know the number invited.

Tell your daughter that it is a great lesson because she will definitely not be invited to everything her whole life. Ask your daughter to choose something nice to do with the other girl who is left out.
If she is, in fact, a good friend of party girl then DD should still remember to say Happy Birthday. Help her learn to not be a sore looser.

id be hurt for my DD as well, OP. Do you ever see the parents on the school run? In the circumstances I think I’d ask them, really politely, if there might have been some falling out for DD not to be invited

Yep, mean. Some people are just thoughtless though rather than malicious, you see it a lot on here.

I remember a post from a woman who just turned up the party with her DD and joined her in. It really got the posters here frothing with rage but I thought it was brilliant 😆

It happened to my DD. I sent a message to ask the mum why they had excluded her. Resulted in an apology for the mistake and an invite. I never felt I was the knob! 😉

9 is when dd's friendships went to shit at school. Year 5 was a hard one..lots of catty moves and comments between groups. Friendship groups that had been solid for the whole of primary suddenly switched and changed. A lot was around mobile phones - the havers and have nots. Some girls were into skincare while others still wanted to play with sylvanians.

I would assume there is more going on than you or even your dd realise.

There will be a reason, you just don’t know it and it could be anything but obviously something they feel valid
forget about it and move on

My DD joined a new school in Y3 and became friends with a girl who was in a very established network of 3 girls. The mothers of the 3 were also best friends and had gone to the primary school, and my dd's presence in this circle was not welcome at all. She only got invited by her close friend and the other 2 would try to rub it in her face that they'd all really enjoyed themselves at a party together and only she was excluded. It was horrible to hear, but I tried to teach my DD that her worth was not in anyway attached to what others felt about her. The other 2 were jealous that the no 3 in the group liked her and I made her aware that this can often cause people to act badly. I always made sure to do something nice on those days, I would never have dreamed of speaking to the parents (they barely responded when I said hello anyway) as I wouldn't have wanted to give them more fodder for their WhatsApp groups.