Kid left out of party - why?!

[Partypooper101]

DD9 is in a small very boy heavy class. A girl in the class who she considers a friend, not a bestie, but definitely a friend, is having a party and has invited all the girls in the class bar DD and one other girl. Before everyone comes for me, yes of course I know nobody is obligated to invite anyone to their party, and no there have 100% not been any fallouts etc. There’s definitely no issues between them, DD was surprised not to be invited and although she’s not said anything about it at school, at home she’s admitted to me she’s hurt at being left out and doesn’t understand “what she’s done wrong to be left out”. The parents of the girl whose party it is are known to be wealthy; it’s not a money issue of having to be strict on numbers, and it’s being held at their massive house so not a space issue either! DD has invited this girl to every party she’s ever had (& we’re definitely not wealthy! 😂)
I know I’m probably being pathetic but it stings. DD is lovely. I’m not saying that blindly either, she really is. Why’s she been left out?! ☹️

I set up a WhatsApp for a night out recently, did it on the trot and missed a couple of people out which I then felt terrible for. These things can happen.

alternatively - are you sure your child isn’t mean to the birthday girl ?

Your DD considers this girl a friend but not a bestie, they spend a bit of time together but in a group. You’ve literally written the answer there. Just because one person thinks they’re more friends than they perhaps are it doesn’t mean the other one thinks the same. They’re 9, it’s WAY past inviting everyone rather than who the birthday girl actually wants there.

Not everyone gets invited to every party.

It's a small party so it's not like everyone in the class was invited but 1.
It's not even like all the girls were invited but 1.

Just one of those things. Support your DD to shrug it off.

I really doubt it's any deeper than the birthday girl's parents saying ok, small party this year, you can invite 6 friends.

It was mean.

Your feelings are totally justified.

Has your daughter asked rhe girl why she hasn't been invited?

Id be teaching confident, clear communication.

Mum probably told her daughter that she can have eg 10 friends over for a party.

She picked 6 friends from her class, 2 cousins and 2 friends she knows from clubs. Her 10 favourite people she wanted there.

There is no snub. The Mum and the birthday girl haven’t done anything wrong.

You are way over thinking things.

I suspect the logic is because 2 have been left out not just 1 it makes it ok and it probably is simply a numbers thing. You’ll drive yourself mad wondering though OP so I’d try and avoid giving it too much head space. If you’re worried about how things are playing out at school maybe have a quiet word with the class teacher to check there aren’t any issues.

As they get older and the list gets a lot smaller it does get tricky when they decide to invite a child you don’t think is particularly nice but they’ve been playing with and you say oh but what about Olivia (who you’ve been friends with since you were 4, is lovely and always invites you) and they say oh yes she’s nice but I haven’t really played with her much this week.You have to balance letting them invite who they want whilst also making sure they aren’t making daft decisions. Some kids are also really good at working out whose party is coming up next and sucking up to birthday girl - I remember that from primary school.

You said the mum has set up a WhatsApp group - is it possible that she's made a list for the WhatsApp group and the invites and simply missed you and your DD by mistake? Have you asked the mum? Someone has obviously told you about the WhatsApp group - could they mention it on your behalf?

You say it's definitely not a numbers thing, but if they're doing food, entertainment etc then there has to be a cap on invites, and you have no idea how many people from outside DDs class have been invited. It could just be unfortunate in that there were 30 places and your DD would have been picked as number 31.

How many people in the class in total? It could be that she’s asked half the class and not thought about the split if girls and boys (some kids don’t like parties too big).
Also, there is a time limit for someone to accept a WhatsApp invitation, which I was oblivious about until recently.

My daughter had a birthday last year and she just wanted girls. We invited all the girls she plays with but there were maybe 5 girls not invited. 10 girls from the class were invited plus some younger siblings who are in the same class as my younger daughter. So had about 15 in our house. One mum starts ignoring me at the start of the school year and I wondered was it because I didn’t invite her daughter. This girl has been mean to my daughter for the last few years ( as well as other children in the class) so my daughter didn’t want her to come. Why would I invite a child that is specifically mean to my child? Fast forward to this year and we had a smaller mixed party of her closest boy and girl friends and again some siblings. Mother completely ignores me again anytime I say hello. I ended up finding out through someone else that she was extremely upset at her child not being invited. Seemingly totally unaware of her child being mean to mine. I tried to talk to her but she didn’t want to speak to me. There are parties my child hasn’t been invited to and i don’t mind at all, it’s just life. I could understand if her child was singled out but she wasn’t. There were also other girls not invited, as my daughter just doesn’t mention them and she’s not invited to their parties either- no hard feelings there from me and I still talk to their mums at the school gates!

Well, it’s a good lesson in boundaries.

None of us will be popular with everyone we encounter.

When I was 9 years old party invitations were printed and came in packs of 6, so 6 guests at a party was standard. Maybe the parents said invite the 6 girls you are closest to, not thinking how many would be left out. Doesn't mean your DD has done anything wrong, though naturally it stings. Any reason you can think why the other girl would be left out?

I would feel the same, op. Unfortunately it’s just one of those things. Perhaps her parents said only x amount of people, perhaps the child is simply not as close to your DD or the other girl. Either way, I would also feel so sad for my DD in those circumstances. I think the best thing you could do is arrange something nice for her to get excited about on the day the party is on, maybe even invite the other excluded girl to do something nice together?

I wonder what the relationship is with the other girl not invited? Perhaps their relationship is really bad and the mum is trying not to single them out by only leaving one girl out. After all they're not close. Also sometime if it's a very posh party it's as much about the adults socialising as the children and sometimes networking

It could be that x number from school are invited along with x number from extra curricular/clubs? We have had this issue recently whereby some of my child’s ‘close’ friends were left out as he wanted to choose a mixture of friends from different settings. It wasn’t anything personal just to keep the numbers down for wanting a small group rather than because of cost.

so birthday girl has invited 7 classmates to her birthday but not your DD? Seriously, get a grip. She wasn't left out, she just was not invited.

I was expecting a whole class party of 30 with your DC not being invited...

Your feelings are completely valid. It’s utter shit to leave out just two girls on the parents part.

I’ve been there, with my introverted older child, she was quite often left out like this. As a result I’m super sensitive to this with my other kids and always make sure we never leave a minority out. They have different personalities, lots of friends.

It’s hard. If your child seems to fit in and this comes as a complete surprise, I’d have a word with the teacher to check that she seems ok in class. In my case I knew why she was left out; but it still hits you like a punch in the gut.

This is so horrid, I feel for you and your daughter OP (and the other little girl) so sad.
I couldn't do it but people are mean and unkind, as evidenced by some of the reactions to your post.
I think it was good advice to arrange something really fun for the two girls to do together on the day of the party.
Sorry your daughter has learnt a hard life lesson at such a young age, people can be horrible for no good reason x

My kid was in a boy heavy class as well.
I always invited all the girls and a few boys to mix it up.
When DD got older, she didn't want all the girls there. I invited five or six only which meant that more were invited than were not invited.

Tended to invite a few DD was friendly with and a couple of others to meet the minimum number required for the venue.
Those kids could have been chosen or not chosen. It wasn't anything personal.
But I know its hard to be left out.

Aw bless

Your poor dd. Make sure your dd knows that she doesn’t have to invite this girl to her parties again if she doesn’t want to.

Why is it if you receive an invitation not enough, why do parents need to make it a competition, if parents can't cope with rejection and taking it as a personal insult what hope do the children have?

Quoted wrong post.

Did your dd attend their parties and then not invite them to her own? That’s mean.

I understand how you feel, OP.

A pp has touched on this, but I think sometimes we ONLY think about the kids in the classroom. There will be cousins, friends at ballet/scouts/swimming, etc as well.

We've got a big house, but I always limited parties at that age to around 10 - 12 kids. Parents drop and run at that age, and I wanted to make sure I could confidently be responsible for the children present. Some had food issues/allergies, other's couldn't cope with too much noise and so on. More than that would have felt like too much.

It might not be about your DD at all, just that she didn't make the cut this time.